In-laws arrange events knowing my eldest will be at her dad’s

This. It is mean to exclude a child.

Why would there be photos of her up in their houses. Yet again you’re thinking people should view your child as you do through your eyes.

Don’t forget the resentment this behavior could create in OP house. No child should be feeling second class in family.

I continue to be stunned at the people who are defending OP's in laws. The child is being excluded, and it's pretty obvious based on the SIL and BIL's responses. The in-laws don't have to accept her as a grandchild, but they can at least avoid taking actions that intentionally exclude a child, especially from a family event where her sisters are invited.

Why would photos of her be up at your MIL's or BIL's houses? Unless it was a groups shot with her sisters and cousins, obviously.

She's your daughter and you love her, which is as it should be. Your DH chose to become her stepfather, and should also love her. But that's as far as it goes with his family.

She's not your MIL's grandchild, not your BIL and SIL's niece. As long as they are nice to her, not unkind, isn't that fine? They are scheduling things for when she isn't around rather than being unkind and excluding her when she could attend.

Your eldest has a paternal family that has nothing to do with her half-sisters, and they have a paternal extended family that has little to do with her. That's the nature of blended families.

She’s 10. Of course she couldn’t be on someone’s knee. She’s not a baby or a toddler. Unless your trying to imply you’d bump one of your younger children’s places for the older one… which would be rude when they where actually invited.

No photos of who your eldest? At whose house? Mils? Have you ever given her a picture to put up. I mean again could be way out there but I wouldn’t take a random photo of my sons wife’s child and put it on my fridge or mantle unless I was expressively given it, or it also had the siblings in.

I don’t understand the extremity of some of these responses. OP your daughter is not being deliberately excluded from an event. In laws have just chosen a date that works for the people directly involved. It’s very entitled to expect them to develop their choice of dates around a step child’s contact schedule with their other parent.

You are minimising the value her father has in her life. If you dd sees him regularly then it is fair for your in laws to assume that her paternal family are fulfilling the role for her that they are providing for your younger children. They’d be overstepping if they thought their events were as important to your daughter as seeing her father is.

Your sil and bil wedding speaks volumes about this family dynamic. They view anyone not blood as outsiders

Dorsnt mean you have to play along. I’d not even bother going. Let your DH take the kids and you plan something else

I'm not surprised they didn't attend the communion. Firstly they are not catholic and secondly they probably thought that it's not really their place to attend - it's a religious event for the OP's family and the OP's XH's family to come together and enjoy, not the new husband's relatives. I'm surprised the XH agreed to invite them all actually.

I guess you'll know for sure about the communion, if they make the effort to attend your other dc's.

I don't think anyone expects step grandparents to love a child in the same way they love their biological grandchildren - so much of that is about personalities, length and type of relationship etc. But deliberately planning family events for when the step grandchild is elsewhere , is just awful. It's not at all comparable to the normal step family stuff where a kid may miss something because they happen to be elsewhere , it's the purposeful excluding. Hideous people!

What does it matter FGS? I recently attended a stepchild’s Bar Mitzvah and I’m as Jewish as the Pope.

It depends on the individual child.

If the child has half-siblings they have lived with all their life and the step-parent treats them well then they can prefer to remain living with them. I know children, now adults, who have. Otherwise they have to live with their parent and their parent's partner plus children they don't know as well.

I really think most children would prefer to live with their dad than their step dad if their mother died.

And the inheritance thing can happen both ways - what if the stepdaughter inherited more from her dad?

It's just life with a blended family, not everything is going to be the same

Adults should think of all of this before they decide to mix families.

These are all issues adults choose to overlook when deciding to pick a new partner once they have children.

I think there's a lot of middle ground between loving a child like your own child/niece/granddaughter and being horrible/treating them badly.

It's lovely if stepparents and step families genuinely do love them as their own. But I think it's also fine if they are kind and inclusive when they interact with the kids but don't see them as their own.

Of course but imagine two of your kids buying a home and one not able to. How would that help the sibling relationship?

And her dad might live miles away and mean moving schools, away from siblings etc if there was a tragedy. Imagine being ripped away from your family home because you're no longer family.

My exact point is that OP needs to think about this stuff and make those plans, precisely as you have done. Everyone has different expectations. My stepparents have always been heavily involved and as an adult I often text and meet them each seperately. Coffees or shopping trips with stepparents when mum or dad are working etc, going to birthdays on each stepparents side of the family, going to their kids parties. No one way is right.

And thats OK.

My point is just that OP needs to make plans Now she knows this info.

She visits a her dad that’s the whole point of this thread. The in-laws arrange stuff for when she’s with her dad. How many children would pick to live just with their step over their mum/dad. Not many.

By leaving unevenly you can do more harm than good to the sibling relationship. It’s not just about the cash but it’s the emotions within it. That mum loved her/him more because they got more. I expect nothing from my father (step) I do expect my mother to treat me and my siblings equally though because we are all hers.

Why would he love her like her mother, though? This little girl has two parents actively involved in her life. The most continuously good step-parenting relationships I know in my circle are the ones where the step parent is very much not a parent-figure, just a kind, interested, benign presence that’s not trying to pretend a parent role when the child already has parents.

She would presumably live with the other parent if one died, unless different arrangements had been made? She’s almost of of an age to be consulted about this, surely. I’ve certainly talked to my 12 year old about who he’d want to live with if Dah and I died.

Away from her siblings and family home? Is dad on the scene?

If I had 3 I'd want them all to have the same and would consider splitting my estate unevenly to make sure that happens e.g. approx 70k to eldest, 15k each to other 2. Dh can then split his 100k 50/50 so all siblings get around 65-70k.

My point is OP needs to consider this and make some serious decisions.

Google is your friend here.

But in fact you’re demonstrating my point. Some people don’t know what a first communion is, or wouldn’t attend one.

Surely she would live with her dad? Her actual father who she sees and spends time with.

Inheritance ops stuff split three ways and honestly the dh’s two ways. She has three children. He has two that’s life.

“ He most definitely doesn’t see why they should see her as family. “

Well there you go. They take their lead from him basically. He treats her at home and in front of you the same as his children.

OP this is the crux. And sadly it means he likely doesn't love your daughter, certainly not the way you do. I'm so sorry to say that. You need to do some serious thinking about wills and what would happen if you died. Would she stay there? Inherit more because he won't split his death benefits between all 3? Where would she live? What would her life look like. Sorry to stay that youv unvcovered a significant problem.