In-laws arrange events knowing my eldest will be at her dad’s

It really very simply comes down to this. It's not just that the in-laws are arranging events to coincide with the stepdaughter being away at her dad's, but they are not inviting her at all. OP has said that the dad is reasonable about switching contact.

If the child did happen to be with OP when one of these events occurred, would the in-laws expect OP to get a babysitter and leave the 10-year-old at home while her sisters, the OP, and her husband go to the event? It sounds to me that that's exactly what they would expect. How can anyone justify this?

YANBU!! That’s really not nice. I’d probably be distancing if I’m honest. I absolutely hate the way so many people treat step children. My eldest is not my DH’s son and he is treated like this by certain family members and it’s just so shit.

No, you invite all the children and if they can't come then fine but can't not include. Xx

I can see your point to an extent. I was referring re “2 families” to her 2 nuclear families ie Mum, Step-Dad and siblings family 1;Dad, step Mum if any and associate siblings /step siblings Family 2. That’s quite a navigation on its own without the extended family on either side being so excluding.

Our families, nuclear/extended, blended or not, don’t differentiate between full siblings, half siblings, first cousins, close family friends, etc. We celebrate with each other regardless.

Doing otherwise to a child/ teen might not be poorly intended, but it risks causing hurt that doesn’t need to be felt.

@mumindoghouse
I think your reference to the 2 families actually sheds light on the difference in views between people on this issue....

I would have thought that if you're referring to the extended families, the DDs 2 families are her mum's family and her dad's family. (And not her stepdad's family.)

(And conversely if you're referring to the close / immediate families rather than the extended families, for DD they would be (1) her mum, sisters and stepdad, and (2) her dad and any partner and other children he may have. So again here not referring to extended families - so stepdad's extended family not coming into this.)

If it was the odd occassion I wouldn’t care, just put it down to coincidence but this sounds like they plan things to deliberately exclude your daughter . I wouldn’t stand for that and would reject some invitations on purpose just saying sorry it’s not convenient we have plans for a family outing on that date. Your MIL sounds spiteful treating a ten year old child like this and SIL just as bad

I think your in-laws have a strangely rigid narrow view of family. They are deliberately choosing dates which exclude DD1 for big family events. So DD1 is not only navigating her 2 families, but will grow to know she’s not quite part of your new extended family particularly as she hits her teens.

I wouldn’t go nuclear straight away, but I do think a conversation is required, perhaps with DH, MIL and OP (given SIL appears to suggest this is coming from MIL) where DH 100% supports you raising clearly and calmly the potential harm these exclusionary invitations could have on DD1. That may be all it takes.

However if the situation doesn’t change, and you have been clear, then it is deliberate. In that case, you might need to be less available as a family, including younger DC, for the family events. Not never available, but less so.

But you and DH will need to be on same page or it may start to come between you.

Shocking how so many posters subscribe to the ‘blood’ kinship uber alles. Blood is a symbol. That’s it. There is nothing ‘natural’ about only loving genetically related kin. In many cultures relatives are reckoned in far different ways, having nothing to do with ‘blood’. Furthermore, what about adopted children? Would these despicable in-laws not accept an adopted child? FWIW, my cousin, like a sister to me, is actually only related via a step- relative. We present publicly as cousins and get a kick out of being told often that we resemble each other. Kinship is about how people relate to each other and the bonds they privilege. We all know siblings/families who have fallen out…as well as ‘she’s like an aunt to me..’

I’m shocked at the number of cold hearted responses on here. Nobody is saying the ILs have to feel the same bond and connection with their step daughter, but there’s absolutely no need to exclude her either. She’s 10 for goodness sake!

My DBs partner has a child from a previous relationship and in our family he’s invited to all the events and receives birthday/christmas presents like everyone else. It’s not the child’s fault their parents separated and went on to start new families. Why should they be punished?

I’ve also been the stepchild and as others have said, it’s not not nice to feel unwanted and excluded. Anyone who would think it’s ok to do this to a child is heartless.

You need to talk this out with your husband.

You also have the option to invite extended family to your home, when your daughter is present, for family occasions.

You also have the option to plan days out or your youngest children's birthdays to include extended family and your eldest daughter, if you can't for some reason host family events at your home.

Instead of being offended - you need to work out how to get your in-laws to spend time with eldest daughter and get to know her.

Because if they get to know her, they will probably bond with her. But only if you organise family active events - like picnics, parks, games in parks, halloween, Easter egg hunting, making cup cakes, going to a National Trust park or museum or petting zoo.

And if there are cousins of a similar age to eldest daughter, you should invite them to yours at weekends, so they develop a friendship.

And if your eldest is the only 10 year old, and there are no other children of her age group in the family, then that is absolutely why she is not included. They expect the youngest two children to play together ...

But who is going to be supervising/entertaining the solo 10 year old, who has no aunties, uncles or grandparents at all the events? Is that why you didn't notice for so long, because it was convenient not to make extra effort for entertaining/supervising dd?

DD can't force in-laws to take an interest in her. Only mum can do all that behind-the-scenes organisation to make sure daughter is included and interacting with in-laws. But mum also needs dad on board.

@ThoroughlyDisgruntled I've not read the full thread, only your posts, but do you think there might be cultural differences at play?

I'm from a Catholic background and extra children would always be welcome in the family. For example we invited the stepdaughter of my first cousin once removed to our wedding so not inviting the stepchild of a sibling would be unheard of. There are also longstanding friends who are mistaken for family because they are so close.

This doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but if the belief that blood relationships are the most important is something the family has all grown up with and never challenged that would explain why they can't see why you would be upset by this view.

I can also see a huge difference between asking a child if they have any cousins or if they have any other cousins, the first is something you could say to any random child admiring a baby and the second would acknowledge the cousin relationship between the children present.

You probably should take your new information and consider if you need to take any actions based on it - for example do you want to reconsider your will to ensure dd1 directly gets a third of your estate rather than your husband getting it all? Obviously hoping that the will is not needed for a large number of years yet.

It never ceases to amaze me on MN the lengths some family members will go to, to exclude an innocent child caught up in family dynamics that they have neither choice nor control over.

I think women need to really consider this before they go and have a second family.
It seems a real issue for a lot of familys which should be established before any wedding or second family is planned.

Finding out how a prospective family will view you and your child joining them seems an obvious move.
If it is negative then the outcome is likely to be the exclusion of the child and a woman has zero business remarrying.

If she does go ahead and marry into this family, she can't be surprised when they really don't want her child at their family gatherings.

I think you should have known before NOW that your husband feels the same and understands his familys position.
I wouldn't have wanted to be around a man who held that view, much less have a family with him and put my eldest child in such an awful position.

Another reason not to have a step family this is what you sign up for. Surely she’d want to spend time with her biological father rather than one of MIL events

Thing is that’s lovely, you all love and embrace her. But it doesn’t mean everyone just opens up their hearts and arms to every child that’s announced as a new family member. Hell lots of husbands and wives are not either.

I'm surprised by some of these replies. We have a step niece who also spends loads of time with her dad - she's invited to everything along with the others, if she can't come, we are disappointed but understand. If it's something big, her dad never minds her choosing not to be with him that night (she's 13 now so has more of an input into which home she's at when).

I'd be really hurt if they were intentionally excluding one of the children for any reason.

Well, that's the flip side isn't it.

There are lots of threads on here from people who don't want their children becoming step-parents.

Look at it from MIL's pov. Her son married someone who already had a child. Really, I'm not sure that she's obliged to be the loving step-grandmother, while your husband (who had agency) is obliged to be the loving step-father.

Decline the invitation everytime your DD not invited. Your husband should support you with this x

I think you need to speak to your DH about it.

I was the step child that never got invited to family events and it had a real impact on me that has taken years to get over.

It’s such a horrible feeling to grow up feeling unwanted and excluded, even as an adult and having my own child we were excluded from family events. It really did have a big impact on my relationship with my “step family”. I felt awkward seeing them over Christmas for example and used to get annoyed when my parents would invite them to my birthday meal etc. it was like I had to include them despite them always excluding me. I just always felt so uncomfortable.

It’s a really horrible position to be in. Yes families don’t have to “accept” step children but they shouldn’t be actively excluded. It’s cruel!

I really don’t think so. That is overthinking to the extreme.

The question about cousins was not do you have "other cousins" on your dad's side, as at least one poster suggested. The question was do you have cousins on your dad's side. I think that's a big difference.

I'd be more concerned as to why your DD found a simple question about cousins so upsetting that she felt the need to go quiet and withdraw.

Are you absolutely certain you're not letting your emotions colour things here?

The presence of a paternal family is immaterial. That does not absolve the OP's in-laws from treating her daughter with kindness and consideration.

No you are still misinterpreting her question. She wasn't saying that the new baby wasn't a cousin, she was asking if your DD had any other cousins on her Dad's side, maybe to ask if she had held any other babies or had contact with any other young children. She was trying to connect with your DD. And there was no reason for your DD to withdraw or take a simple question in a sinister way at age 10.

OP, does your ex have other children? Your daughter will have a relationship with her father's family which will be closer than with your DH's family. It's only natural. If she didn't have a paternal family that knew and loved her maybe it would be more unfair, but I think as long as DH's family are kind to her I don't think you can expect his parents to consider her a grandchild-she has grandparents she will see with her father.