In-laws arrange events knowing my eldest will be at her dad’s

The reality is that you can’t force feelings. They don’t see her as family and you will play a dangerous game if you try to make them treat their sons step child the same as their biological grandchildren. You risk alienating your other children if you withhold them from their grandparents, a fallout with DH if you limit involvement with his family - especially if they are currently close.

They aren’t inviting her to things that happen on weekends that you don’t even have custody.
Your daughter clearly has an involved father so that means she has maternal family involvement and paternal family involvement - her life won’t be adversely affected by understanding that these are her siblings paternal relatives.

So long as she is treated kindly when present, it is far more detrimental to everyone involved to demand equal treatment when if you dropped dead tomorrow or divorced, they’d likely never see her again.

I don't think it's a big deal.

They are being discreet about it, to the point you haven't even noticed until now.

As long as they treat her well when you're all together.

Your DD is having time with her family, while your other dc are having time with theirs.

What does your husband think, as I don't see that you've said?

How do they know your DD's schedule? Is it possible that he's the one informing them, and is complicit in this?

I think you are being a but ridiculous. Of course it would be nice if they included her but ultimately they are not her family so they are not obliged to.

Do you expect her dad's family to include your younger 2 bevause they are siblings of your eldest? I'm betting not.

I am a step mum of many years and a mum so I can see both sides here but ultimately at 10 she is old enough for you explain that they have different families as well as people who are the same family and that sometime that means her siblings get invited to things and sometimes she will get to go to things that they can't.

I see both sides of this.

Of course you find it upsetting that your DD is excluded but you can't force your in-laws to treat her the same as their grandchildren.

I personally can't see the issue with your DD seeing her family while the other children see theirs.

It’s not very nice to exclude the 10 year old little sibling of your nieces/nephews, but there’s not much you can do, it’s their home and their rules.

It can be difficult to look after 3 children versus 2, especially if the third child is a particular handful or their is a space problem in the home.

There could be many legitimate reasons why they’ve made this decision.

Still, how awful for your young daughter. Make sure she also gets extra special treatment from both her parents on those days.

It’s a bit of a minefield dealing with in-laws and you might have to exercise extreme patience and tolerance until the children are old in enough and this won’t be as big an issue.

Life doesn’t revolve around a child’s contact arrangements.

I do things with my stepchildren when my child is with their dad, I do things with my child when my step children are with their mum.

We do things altogether of course, but it is fine for life to not standstill in their absence too.

It would be the last time I gave mil a second thought..... Someone who isn't nice to your dd isn't nice. You don't need that negativity in your life.. I hope you stay home.

You are unreasonable to an extent. In the fact you want your child somewhere she’s clearly not wanted. That’s not fair on the child.

They are clearly and maybe failing though it was working till now making the events planned on weekends they know she is not there until this last invite you hadn’t realised she was unwanted there and they hadn’t had to basically admit it.

Sad sure but, again time and time again. Just because your dh sees her as family doesn’t mean his extended family have to see her as such as long as they are polite and kind when they do see her you cannot expect more. More maybe nice but it’s not a given.

That’s not what the OP is saying if you read properly. For this event OP has told SIL that the eldest Dd could go and SIL has basically said no! OP is saying is very apparent they are purposefully leaving the DD out as she’s not blood related. Not that she’s asking for them to arrange events based her availability.
I think it’s truly disgusting behaviour, how can people be so cruel to children. I would be taking a big step back from the in-laws.

Of course she can do something. She could not go!

If you were posting as the Stepmum everyone would tell you that you don't have to accommodate stepchildren and your parents don't have to see them as GC, or DNs. You get different responses as the mother. Your DD shouldn't miss out on parties and your DH should have addressed this. They don't have to see her as family, but she shouldn't miss out on every family event.

Yes it's a pain, not much you can do

I agree that it sounds like they don’t see your oldest as family and arrange events for when she’s not there. Just because she’s considered family to your h, it doesn’t mean that MIL has to accept her as family. It’s a massive shame that your oldest can’t be included in big family gatherings but I guess that when she looks at the photos of the event, she’d rather pretend that she doesn’t have step grandchildren.

Can your DH have a word with MIL/BIL/SIL? Maybe better coming from him than you.

Hard not to see the deliberate snub isn't it? Does mil usually bother with dd? Regardless of who's dna your dd carries being meam to a dc in your family is cuntish behaviour.

It’s not cool, but what can you do? “Force” in-laws to hold events on the days when you have custody?