AIBU to not agree to 50/50 custody?

This. It’s the double standards.

Because she's his mother. It's nonsense to suggest that a baby's primary need isn't for its mother in the vast majority of cases. I would bet my house he either wants to avoid paying maintenance or is doing it out of spite, and that if he does get 50/50 it won't be him doing the actual care.

I think if 50/50 is what the dad wants, there’s no reason to delay it. I presume you wouldn’t want to only see your child once or twice a week. Neither does he.

Courts don’t see it like that and 50:50 is a rough starting point. Thankfully we don’t live in the 1950’s where dads had less rights.

Op can I ask gently, is there any financial drive here for either of you? Obviously he doesn’t pay child maintenance if it’s 50 50. Is he trying to avoid that, or do you need the money?

Interesting. What would you consider best for children? Every other weekend? Would you still feel the same if the EOW was with mum and dad was the main carer?

I would have loved it if my ex wanted 50/50 however I understand not wanting that at 9m but no reason not to once child is a bit older.

I agree, I think if it is a rigid half the week each a child can settle very easily, the fragmented stuff is not good at all. For the child what is best is two parents who love them and a strong routine.

i understand people are answering as the op is female and wants more than 50 50 , and they would want that, as would I. But the fact is he is the father and does have equal rights, and it would be wrong to tell the op a court won’t take that line, they will. It will be very very hard for her to argue it is not in the child’s interests to habe equal time with the father in a strong routine.

9 months is still really young and the fact that baby is pretty clingy to you atm I think suggests that 50/50 won't be in his interests. People are saying he is the parent too but it is different if you've grown this human inside your body then been full time carer on maternity leave for 9 months - the baby needs majority time with you for now and time to get used to new arrangements. Even just you going back to work and baby going to nursery is a change in itself.

I'd itemise your points in a list and suggest mediation before court. Is he proposing he'd pay for half the nursery fees to facilitate the 50/50 split or does he want more weekend time? Could this be about maintenance/money?

I split from ex when DS was 9 months and ex didn't have him overnight till nearly 2 yo (both of our choice) and I think it was the right thing for DS. By 8 or 9 ish I think, DS had moved to nearly 50/50 (5 overnights out of 14 plus an evening/dinner).

I think the current proposed split sounds quite unsettling - ex having him then nursery then having him a bit then dropping home for a day then having him again - it’s very bitty!

I really don’t think 50/50 is best for children either, but it does seem to be increasingly the way courts want to go, I do think you’d have a good argument as your child is so young though for starting smaller and working your way up to that.

If you really can’t agree between you, the next step isn’t court but to try mediation - maybe suggest that?

I knew someone once who split from her ex and told him he couldn’t have the children more than 3 nights a week (presume cause she wanted the maintenance) but each week, she would decide which three nights they would be to suit her social calendar. The children were 3 and 6 and didn’t know where they were going to be from one day to another. I felt so sorry for them.

Likewise; I know a couple who split who have rigidly stuck to half the week each - one drops the boy off at school on a Wednesday morning and the other picks him up and handover is done on the weekend. He is 7 and has been doing this for 4 years and is a very happy and settled boy.

I think the constant to-ing and fro-ing is the disruptive part IMO

I personally think that your ex having him on a Tues night and then a bit more Wednesday afternoon and then dropping him to you and then having him again Friday night and dropping him back is too much ferrying back and fourth for him. Whatever you decide to, I think it would be less unsettling for your child if your ex had him for a block of time and you for another block of time.
I also don’t think a 50/50 split is unreasonable at all unless there is a back story you aren’t telling us.

What do you think is best for your child?

And what if he argues that he then wants full custody? She can have the weekends?

I think your child is too young for 50:50. Personally I would let it go to court.

Would you think the same if you were the non resident parent and wanted to see your children more than every other weekend?

I think you need to think through what you're saying.

You're calling a parent who wants to be a parent 50% of the working week stubborn.

Because you don't want it.

There's no reason a 9mo who isn't ebf can't do that any more than a child of 2/3 etc. the younger it starts the more of a norm it is for them.

Also be aware that as you have moved 30 minutes away a court isn't likely to direct him to be doing the dropping off and picking up either. Minimum is likely to be 50/50 drop offs but usually the parent who moves away has to facilitate - but as it's not too far away it's likely to be equal expectation.

You have to ask yourself honestly why you don't want the arrangement. Many families who aren't split have a parent working away a few days a week or a SAHD.

Unless the child really really wants it, I don't think 50:50 is in their best interests. Never being settled on one place, always having to think about what books/kit to take to school for the next few days, always needing to plan where you are to make plans. I don't think it's healthy.

OP with 50/50 what is he actually proposing in terms of days etc? Does he know?

I know your upset and as a mum I totally understand that but personally I would be asking that question in writing to ensure he has thought about it and for evidence if I need it.

If he wants more time with the baby that's absolutely understandable but I would be going back to him and suggesting he tries to compress his work days to have a Thurs of and he can have the baby in the day instead of your mum. It shows you are more than willing to accommodate him but ensuring your baby is still getting plenty of time with both of you. The ball is then in his court. If not the next stage I would suggest is you offer mediation again this evidences to a court willing.

I personally don't think overnights is good for children until they're old enough to understand their mum/dad is coming back. I went for an evening out when my baby was about 9 months and my husband called me to come home early because she was distraught. I wouldn't have wanted to be away from her overnight at that age. In my experience most babies have one preferred carer. And, in my experience, that is usually the mum. I would be encouraging dad to come and see the baby for a few hours a few times a week but not to have them overnight.

I think the problem is that there are two issues in question. What is fair for the parents and more importantly, what is in the child's best interest. Personally I feel like it is highly likely that the answer to each of these questions is different and that's where the rub is.

I really struggle to accept that 50:50 is in the child's best interest. Very few adults choose to split their time between homes like this because we know that it would be hugely destabilising and a logistical nightmare. Children aren't immune to these things but are just less experienced and not in a position to fight for a better setup.

The other issue with answers like this op. Is you run the risk of him saying right I will go for full time, you have weekends, giving rise to even more likely a court will go for equal.

Hmmm, think you’re being biased, very few are able to do 50 50 during new born due ti mat leave and I’m sure you know that,

and can you link to where courts refuse equal shared custody ?

Your comment doesn't tally with the post you quoted. They were saying its not in the child's best interests to have 50/50.

This.

We as woman are always screaming for things to be equal, for men to do their bit and pull their weight, yet when it comes to custody we seem to think we're owed more? Nope.

Did he do 50/50 parenting during the newborn stage and while you were on maternity leave? Courts generally agree, because of evidence based research that Mum's are the primary parent, under 12 months old and often up to 18 months. I'd let it go to court to build up to a even split. However it is better for a child to have a primary home and parent. Constant, unchanging access/routine is needed while the child is under 5. It sounds as though you will need the court to sort this out. You can get holidays written into the agreement, so Birthdays/Christmas/Mother's/F day and holidays away are clearly set out.