AIBU to not agree to 50/50 custody?

Please evidence this.

I agree with you. I've worked with children and families for many years and I can think of very few situations where 50/50 was genuinely in the child's best interests. IME it tends to be more about adults perceptions of what's 'fair' to them rather than what the child needs.

For the first 9 months when she was on mat? Yes they will talk about evenings and weekends, but not much to see past that.

honestly unless he’s abusive or something, then as a starting point the court will go for 50 50, they don’t perceive she has more rights than him. It is equal parenting as the starting point. And as long as he’s able then for a young child that’s a positive.

A Child Arrangement Order costs £230 plus a mediation session. You don’t need a solicitor.

He is extremely unlikely to get 50/50, there is a general consensus on mumsnet that this is norm now but it really isn't, I'm saying this as someone who has recently been through the court system and works in a related area. Most couples who do 50/50 do so because they are at least reasonably amicable and agree to it without going through the courts. My barrister told me there was no chance my ex would get anywhere near 50/50 of our child (I was terrified mainly because of what I'd read on Mumsnet!) He didn't. Nowhere near.

And they’ll also take in to account how capable he is as a parent. He might not get 50:50 initially but he will at some point so what’s the point in dragging it out. The baby won’t know any different of it starts sooner.

Do you have an age in mind where 50/50 is more acceptable ? Eg 12 months, 18 months … If he started the legal process now, I don’t know how old ds would be by the time that you got a Child Arrangement Order. It might be handy to get one anyway so that you can go on future holidays without the hassle of getting his permission and having to risk him saying no.

When you arrange 50/50, make sure that you arrange his time as whole days. For example if he has Tuesday and Wednesday overnight then he pays nursery for those days. Nursery calls him if ds is ill on those days and he takes time off to stay at home or collect him early from nursery. He can’t say Tuesday and Wednesday are his days and only be responsible from nursery pick up to drop off the next day. He can do that for child maintenance purposes but 50/50 means shouldering 50% of the cost and nursery is a big one.

I think 50/50 is correct if its workable. Its good that he wants to be so heavily involved

I have no idea who has previously cared for the baby but that’s neither here or there. The fact they’ve split up now means they’ll both have to care for their child. The child doesn’t belong to the mother so they’ll have to come to an agreement or the court will decide and being ‘mam’ won’t win hands down.

Posters like the op, and others on this thread, always say that 50/50 is not right but they only mean when the mum would be the majority carer.

It does matter to the court. They take into account things like how involved the father has been so far.

1000% agree

No one is saying that. She’s just off mat leave so clearly her, but that doesn’t mean he can’t share custody now.

I wouldn’t bet on that

Oh you think the father is the main care giver of a 9 month old?

I wonder how much time he has spent looking after the baby on his own so far.

He’s his dad. He has as much right to spend time with him as you do. That’s the end of the conversation really.

Her ex is baby’s father not a random fella off the street

Sigh, of course he will. Courts favour it now.

@Lampslights he absolutely won't get 50/50 of such a young baby!

I doubt that very much. If it goes to court, the judge will look very favourably on a dad wanting to pull his weight and have properly shared care.

This.

Given that you sound ok with 50-50 when he's a bit older and he's going to be doing some nights anyway, there's an argument that it better to start 50-50 early enough that he doesn't remember anything different, rather than a later transition.

The 'wait until he knows you are coming back' argument I don't think is persuasive. If he doesn't understand object permanence/that you'll be back, then he doesn't understand whether your absence is for dinner with his dad, the day at nursery or you popping to the loo whilst he's in his cot.

Equally, being away from your baby that much will be painful and I can see why it goes against your insists for it. On the other hand, that's probably exactly how he'd feel, and if you'd struggle to cope with the amount of contact he has then it's going to be a struggle for him also.

The must important thing is what's best for your little one. How involved is dad with baby? Has he had much solo care? With my bottle fed child, if we'd spoilt 50-50 at 9m would have been painful but fair because neither of us were the default parent. Child 2 would have been different as breastfed and so I took on all night care.

I suspect he will. No matter how much you over use exclamation marks,

And that’s the thing, the op is calling him stubborn for not agreeing, but she’s doing the exact same.

of he says sod it, I want primary custody, you habe weekends, what’s she going to do. I doubt she will like it any more than he does.

as hard as it is, a fixed 50 50 is likely best for the child.

He doesn't want to pay child support! Its not in a babies best interest to be away from their mother 50% of the time at such a young age! Tell him to go ahead and take you to court, he won't get what he wants!