AIBU to not agree to 50/50 custody?

He is the child father, and is entitled to make decisions about their life the same way you do. Why would you get to decide and he's just "stubborn"?

If you feel 50/50 isn't the best for your baby, why don't you leave him be the resident parent and you can see your little on on Mondays and Saturdays?

I don't think 5050 is good for children. DS is 3 and has been 5050 around a year. It is just so unsettling. But ex has "rights". Don't start it if you can help it, it's practically impossible to stop it and it's heartbreaking seeing it affect your child.

Fair to the parents isn't necessarily best for the child. I wish court's put children first.

As is mine, but they still need their milk!

She said exclusively breastfed. Op’s child sill be eating food as well as milk

Why would you assume a 9-12 month old is not breastfed?

The norm is Mum as primary carer, upto 12 months, then a build up. It's best practice to follow the baby's needs, which is to continue with the primary parent until there's a level of understanding that parents come back. Attachment needs to be built.

But why is the assumption the mother is primary carer?

Err, because nature?!

My DC were much older than yours when I separated from their dad, OP, so it's not really comparable. However, my solicitor advised me that if XH was in a position to provide 50% of the care, then a court would grant 50/50 and it was a waste of money fighting it unless I could prove abuse.

It is my understanding that 50/50 is the starting point for all negotiations.

9 months sounds very young to me for a 50/50 arrangement. However, it might be a good idea to look at the options for schedules. XH suggested week on/week off, which I felt was too much time apart and also a major headache in terms of wraparound care. DC were in upper stages of primary school at the time.

We settled on a 5-5-2-2 schedule, which (for us) means Mon & Tues night at one home, Weds & Thurs night at the other, and then alternate weekends (Fri, Sat & Sun night). There are apps and websites that let you look at possible schedules based on your % share of care.

I would probably be more open to week on/off now DC are both at secondary but, at the moment, everyone is happy with the current schedule. It's important to DC to feel that they get equal time with both parents. DC1 grumbles about XH a bit, but not enough to want to change the schedule.

"owed more"

I don't think it's a case of a parent being owed more or less. It's about the child and what is right for the child.

But why is the assumption the mother is primary carer?

As long as a child is loved and cared for attaché,ent needs can be met under any circumstance.

That's why children can be adopted by single parents and same sex parents.

The idea that only a mother will do went out ages ago.

When you say main carer, you mean mother, don't you?

If a baby can only be cared for by it's mother how does that work with putting them into childcare? Just curious.

All those saying that 50/50 is NEVER good for the child, regardless of age - what are you basing that on exactly? And what should be the alternative?

If you have two parents who are equally giving care, equally good parents, who get on and live close by and stick to a routine, what would be better than that for the child?? Living solely with mom and not getting a relationship with their dad whom they may absolutely adore? Or should people just not split up, not matter how nasty their living conditions may have been? Should you instead muddle through and demonstrate dysfunctional relationships to your child?

Not at 9 months old no.
Increasing time with the other parent to achieve 50:50 is absolutely something that needs to revised occasionally but a 9 month olds best interests are served ultimately by spending more time with it's main carer.
I would find it cruel to inflict that on an infant this young.

For someone that says you have a great father and DH, you’re getting very aggressive. You have good relationships with them but adamant that men can’t be trusted with their kids….

If your DH had an affair and left you, are you saying you wouldn’t agree to shared care despite saying he’s great dad? If he is a good dad, you wouldn’t have a
problem with it surely?

No one said feckless fathers should get shared custody and I specifically said that.

PP have mentioned 50/50 not being ideal for children but surely in this instance it's better than the current arrangement?

DC at OP Monday, ex Tues/Wed, grandmother Thurs, ex Fri/Sat, and finally OP Sat/Tue.

How is that any less disruptive than Mon/Wed ex, Thu/Sun OP alternating? I can see how frustrating it would be for ex as he never gets a day with DC where he's not collecting or dropping DC from your house?

She has been on maternity leave so she would have been doing most of it.

Exactly!

Like I said previously, if op has had 9 months of caring for her baby and it wasn't shared leave with her ex then the reality is that she is currently the main carer.
What are you struggling to understand about that?

Because the fucking twats they are divorcing on here are most definitely not into sex equality and that's usually why they are getting divorced, because they do absolutely fuck all as fathers and they are just going for 50/50 to avoid maintenance.

My dad was great. DH is great.

Most women get a divorce because their exH is a fucking useless father and a fucking useless husband. A clue: they are not going to start being great after divorce.

All this OH KIDS TURN OUT GREAT WHEN PARENTS ARE AMICABLE AND DO 50/50 LALALALALA Try being amicable with a FUCKING ARSEHOLE.

Are you unable to grasp that being a main carer now doesn’t mean the op always has to be the main carer?it feels you are struggling.

Sigh all this anecdotal nonsense,

I understand this is mumsnet, and I’m a mother myself. But posting shite isn’t going to help the op.

whats important is can the father provide care for the child to a required standard , how much does their work impact, do they have the living arrangements etc.

if the answer is yes he can produce the right level of care, can house, can manage round his job then a court will say he can have fifty fifty.

all the well the kids I knew, or she’s the mum, or babies need their mums in the world won’t change it. He is as a starting point entitled to 50 percent of the parenting and the op doesn’t get to take it off him.

if she can prove it is detrimental, then she stands a chance. Maybe some of the posters with their anecdotes can help her with that.

It's not about mums or dad's rights It's about what's best for the child, the child in this case is only 9 months old and being away from his main carer 50% of the week is arguably not in his best interests.

If we has a system like Sweden and both parents had equal time off together I would be more agreeable to 50:50 split so long as it wasn't as disruptive as what ops ex has asked for.

I'm not interested in what mum or dad wants, it's the child that this needs to work for.