Husband didn’t get promotion and blames me

Hey OP. It’s not fault your fault he didn’t get promoted. It was his choice to get married, have kids etc. that has obligations - you can’t wish that shit away.

He just needs to accept he didn’t get a promotion because someone was better than him. Working long hours doesn’t make you suitable to step up.

Work smarter - not harder, mate. Be a better human to your family, you know…the important people in your life.

I find men that only care about their career extremely unattractive.
Driven is fine, but when they think that its more important than family life and relationships, I'd be out the door.
This should be a wake up call for him that despite all the work he's put in, his company doesn't care about him!
Whereas the effort he could put into his relationship with you and his children will provide him with a loving family environment as he ages and eventually retires.
I imagine this is why some men struggle when they retire, they build so much of their self worth around their careers and when its gone, they don't really know what to do with themselves.
I also have a sneaking suspicion that some men really don't care about the opinion of women, even those in their family that they chose to marry, they only care about the opinion and praise from other men, so they throw themselves into work to get that validation.

I would leave this dickhead now. You need to find anger OP. He is an appalling husband. You have subjugated yourself long enough to his need for validation from his peers FFS.

Lots to unpack here but:

1. No fucking way is you being stressed for a couple of days going to have derailed a 2.5 year process. The decision not to promote him will have been made before this.
2. You don’t know for a fact he blames you. In all likelihood he’s just pissed off at the world at large and lashing out. If he actually does blame you he’s a dick and you have larger problems.
3. Long term, jobs like this can be extremely damaging for a person’s mental health and that has a msssive impact on their family but there is no excuse for treating you and your kids like this. I have a job a bit like this and sometimes it really gets to me but I see it as my job to put a protective ring around my DD and make sure the toxicity doesn’t become her problem too. It’s not OK for him to marginalise his family I’ve this.

He sounds typical of lots of men with “big” jobs (banking/corporate law/accountancy) who treat their families like an afterthought.

It sounds as if you have put up with this for far too long and you have to ask yourself what are you and your kids getting out of it?

If he’s been rejected the smart move would be for him to take a step back and reassess what he wants to do and potentially apply for other jobs or retrain and do something completely new as opposed to banging his head against a brick wall out of misplaced corporate loyalty.

I think it’s ultimatum time: job or family.

Has he factored in that if he continues like this he's at high risk of stroke, high blood pressure and other conditions? Ask any nurse who deals with end of life patients, people usually regret not spending time with loved ones, not career related absurdity.

I am so sorry you're going through this. Your concerns are not inconsequential or non-important, you and the kids deserve better. What support do YOU have?

Would he be happier if you and the kids moved out or kicked him out and then he can career to his heart's content, as long as he pays for you

He'll be a lonely old man at this rate and it'll serve him right.

OP is he rigid with his behaviours and routines? No novelty, no spontaneity?

If he is, then look up MN aspergers thread where a number of us hang out and try to gain some comfort.

My DH is a workaholic and also on the spectrum. His work is everything. Might not be the same but as partners we all do everything by ourselves and yes it’s depressing!

Whatever the case it’s not right to measure your self worth via a promotion.

a lot of us have an external yardstick we are constantly measuring ourselves against external goals.

it would be good for him to have some therapy to understand why he’s so attached to work outcomes and where that fear of not being good enough comes from. Who taught it to him? Usually it’s your mum or dad.

Promotion is a mirage for a lot of employees; most of us aren't ever going to be rising any higher than we are, but we have things called lives and families which are ultimately more important and more satisfying than climbing the corporate ladder. Maybe your husband needs to get his head around that.

Why do you assume your problems are less important than your husband's? People in relationships are supposed to support each other, it should not be all one way.

He is behaving like a dick yes. But sounds like he has had a massive blow in not getting this and he hasn’t suggested he blames you. So I would give him a few days to lick his wounds. Then time to decide what he does next and how he needs to commit to family too.

He's ignoring his innocent children?
Too late now but why on earth did he get married and have children?
What positives does the bore bring to your life?

There’s a reason he didn’t get the promotion and it’s not because of you. You’re just cannon fodder. If he hasn’t taken time off that means you haven’t had a break either.
He needs a wake up call. The only thing he is sacrificing is his marriage and family.

He sounds like an absolute bore. Well done to you for putting up with HIM.

How is you telling him about your problems on the "big meeting week" impacted his company's decision AFTER 15 years of not taking annual leave? Time for him to invest his time in what really matters (his family) and not on a job where he is not appreciated, and where he'd be replaced within days.

Never mind bloody men, WOMEN become partners these days in spite of having kids and maternity leave and taking all their annual leave and being really engaged at home and work and having partners who also have a good job and share things between them.

A man with a wife doing everything for him is extremely privileged.

I wouldn't promote him either. He hasn't been promoted because he is an ocean going wanker to never take a day off.

🤣 no surprise to see that was your username 🤣🤣🤣

So, you were to remain entirely in good health and without troubles so that you could remain entirely in the background of his life and then he could get this promotion? You cannot rely on a man who would make this trade.

15 years and your kids are primary age wow I'd have ditched him before they were a thought.

I suspect he might be a lawyer too. I chose to work in government because I enjoyed the work and it was a reasonable lifestyle choice. Yes, I earned less but I had much less stress and shorter hours.

Even by the standards of private practice, I think your husband is excessive. He may simply not be good enough and doesn't prioritise his work correctly. It is likely he has not brought work in as a rainmaker and his "chargeable hours" are not remarkable. Just sweating over current files does not make him a viable partnership prospect. I fail to see how you were responsible for this.

If he was all that great, he would be being wooed by other firms.

People do become partners when they have wives (usually stay at home ones it is true) and families.

I would give him some grace time to adjust but then I would want some changes.

I have absolutely zero sympathy for these men. Zero. Seen it time and time again and it's clear from the original post what is going on here. He believes he is superior to the op. And he has made her believe that too. That is obvious from the way she is blaming herself for his inadequacies and the way she puts herself at the bottom. He will have caused her depression by leaving all the grunt work to her. He has treated his family like absolute shit. As a man, he will have had every privilege and opportunity available. He will have been promoted beyond his capabilities. Yes, it is hard to realise you're not the billy big balls you thought you were, but you brought that all upon yourself. He has in no way earned or is deserving of the support the op has relentlessly given him.

What does he do as a career?

I know surgeons, lawyers and bankers (male and female)
NONE of them do these hours

And none of them were denied promotions for becoming a father thats reserved for mothers 👍😓

Disgusting to behaviour even if i was your fault - its not!
even more disgusting to do this post birth

If he is salaried / PAYE which i assume he is given the promotion and highly paid I'd be looking to separate.

Since when are your problems non-important? It sounds to me as if he's got delusions about bring the big Mister I Am. Well now he knows his employer doesn't rate him quite so highly.

And how can you be to blame?

He's the one who placed the job at a higher priority than family (?! and that's dangerous) and now he's had his ego-balloon popped with a bloody big pin.

Hard cheese. But if he's going to carry on playing the Blame Game he'd better watch out for Karma.

He is feeling serously rejected, pelase dont make it any worse - just give him space and remain polite - hope it all blows over soon

He will be considering his next moves ie move job but that is often hard for most people

If he keeps this sulky rubbish up I’d tell him clearly I’ve been supporting him every fucking day and every minute of our children’s life that he has ignored them which is most of every holiday you’ve been on as well as all the other time and it ends here. He cooks dinner one day a week, does his own washing, generally tidies and parents, and you are taking every second weekend as off as he usually takes it despite being a dad with a family and house to maintain and he can experience a bit of having to pull his own weight, and if he ever wants to take his childish sulking out on the kids again he’s out the door and if he’s really lucky I’d throw some clean underwear after him. I’d be furious.

This kind of obsessive behaviour is really frowned upon in the company I work for.

He needs to be demonstrating a good work/life balance these days. Yes that can involve long hours, but not to the extent that your DH does. It makes it look like he is incapable of coping with his workload. Probably one of the reasons why he wasn't promoted!