Husband didn’t get promotion and blames me

Absolute sulking bastard. The children don't deserve this, and neither do you.

He needs some perspective PDQ about his job.

it sounds like he is very insecure and lacks perspective and good judgement. None of the qualities you'd expect to see in a leadership role. Where I work, people who habitually work during their approved annual leave do themselves no favours as regards their competence, because they aren't deemed to be "on top of their game".

Yes, this is what I thought as well.

Not your fault.
Perhaps the industry your husband works in sensed that he finds it hard to clock off.
Lateral thinking can be expanded and enhanced by taking time away from the job.

He will get over it.
If I were you I would mark off many more days per year for your husband to take off and attend important milestones of your children. I would insist and even make myself unavailable so that he needs to take them.

Your husband's reality is not in the real world.
Don't forget to make a happy life for yourself.

That makes more sense, thanks for clarifying that point @2024Mu

it sounds like he is very insecure and lacks perspective and good judgement. None of the qualities you'd expect to see in a leadership role.

Where I work, people who habitually work during their approved annual leave do themselves no favours as regards their competence, because they aren't deemed to be "on top of their game".

In the past I've had to "have words" with someone who reported me, for working during their leave, when I definitely hadn't expected them to, nor did their role require it. They were forced to start taking proper leave, because I wasn't willing to endorse that behaviour (and potentially be accused of giving them so much work to do that they had not option but to work on holiday - completely not true but some people like to play that game).

it sounds like he could be at risk health-wise if he ever had to give up work or if his employment had to end. He's so heavily reliant on work that it could have a serious impact on his MH.

He probably feels shit about himself but moping around and taking it out on your family is a luxury most of us don't have. The fact that he can't be nice to his own wife and kids is very telling about his character.

You need to figure out what you want. You can't change him. He won't become a different man overnight. It's not his fault you have chosen to stay and do everything for everyone. Prioritize yourself. What can YOU change? Divorce is probably on the cards because he sounds like an arsehole who is too important to be a husband and father. You have choices to make.

Sorry OP. You are not to blame. Your problems should be his problems especially if you are depressed.
No-one is indispensable. His company would replace him in a heartbeat so he’s deluded in thinking he’s important to them.
He needs to stop sulking like a baby and sit down with you and talk things. Hope things get better.

YANBU.
I write as a man. My career has scooted along far quicker when I am single, obviously. I had fewer responsibilities. Having a wife and perhaps also kids wil slow that. Grown ups should be aware of that.

I’m sorry but he is pathetic and incredibly selfish, I’d bin him .

This OP. Stop treating him like the Lord and master. He sounds like a complete pita.

Let's face it after that amount of time he's just not cut out for it

You’re not a mind reader. How could you know it was his grande finale interview if he didn’t talk to you about it?

I’m sorry that he’s wrongly talking this out on you - in no way is this your fault! Families should be loved and cherished - no use getting promotion if you’re absent from loved ones lives - what was the point in him committing to you and having a family? He doesn’t see what he truly has and he’d be an emotional pauper without you.

Is he in the legal profession? I only say this as someone who is in a LTR with a senior partner. It doesn’t get any better. It’s one of the reasons I have my ducks in a row and am counting down the days until we separate (hopefully August).

You are worth so much more 💐

I guess he's the exception to that quote about how nobody on their deathbed says 'I wish I would have worked more'. When he should be wishing he hadn't neglected his family.

I hope you have other support around you x

Hi OP. My dad was a workaholic too. I think his own dad had lost his job and the family were left with no money at all and this had left him with severe trauma. He ended up at the top of his profession having left school at 16. He would never take any annual leave etc.. and he would constantly talk about how we would be left penniless if he lost his job etc.. It left me with a huge anxiety about jobs and money. My own husband is also a workaholic - very driven etc... (have realised that I married my dad !). I think he is more emotionally intelligent and does not value his job above his family and friends however. What I have learnt is that the most important things in life are your relationships and not your job. From my own work experience and seeing how big corporations are run, the best person for the job does not always get that job. Also, it is very easy to be replaced. Never make your life your job or you will always be unhappy. I would also not want to make my children believe that their self worth is tied to their job. Also, I would want my partner to put the welfare of my children and myself above the demands of a job and I would think absolutely not want to be subjected to sulking about promotions. No one is guaranteed a promotion and sometimes it is just hard cheese. We all have to take disappointment in life, learn a lesson and move on.

He did once say if he hadn’t married me his life would have been exactly where he needed it to be (career wise)

So as if his behaviour didn't tell you, his words did. He isn't committed to this marriage.

Seriously OP I know LTB is thrown around a lot on MN but this is one where I think it's justified. if you left him I'd be surprised if your depression didn't lift almost immediately. Because he's the cause of it.

Is he the surgeon type who is having to move around to get niche positions and take locus roles to be in the right place for when a very rare role comes up?

As it all seems quite familiar.

He must be gutted if that's the case. (Doesn't mean he needs to be a dick but also doesn't mean he doesn't deserve a promotion to get an actual contract /security at some point.

Promotions are most often based on personality. His behaviour at home is likely how he behaves at work. People probably can’t stand him.

.He did once say if he hadn’t married me his life would have been exactly where he needed it to be (career wise)

How? He hasn't sacrificed anything at all. He's done exactly as he has wanted, thought of himself only and you just tagged along.

Stop blaming yourself. The way he's going on with you and his kids is outrageous. Give him both barrels, tell him to get the fuck over himself and to piss off elsewhere until he's over it. Poor kids being stuck in the middle of all that

It's outrageous of your husband to blame you for something that is his responsibility, and his treatment of you and the children is abusive. Your poor kids, trying to get his attention and being stonewalled.😢

I'm not at all surprised that you are depressed, carrying so much responsibility without proper support, and being ignored and deprioritised for so long.

Workaholism is as much of a problem as any other addiction. Imagine his addiction was drugs or alcohol, rather than work. Would you carry on as you are, or would you be starting to think about a life without him?

This is no way to live. I feel sorry for you and your kids.

I see a bit of this at my work, the totally inept ones who think they are destined for great things,pissed no one recognises it. And tells their partners all sorts of shite, who you then meet and it’s clear they think their husband is something special and you’re thinking, nope. He’s the office arsehole. And I bet he’s an arsehole at home too.

He sounds like a work addict from your follow up posts. His words and actions make it very clear that you and the children come second place to his BIG IMPORTANT JOB.
I am not surprised that you feel depressed and stressed out if you carry the home front all on your own. Addicts only care about their addiction and nothing else can compete.

Have you ever been able to have a calm, focused discussion with him about his lack of presence at home and how this impacts the you and the children?

His current behaviour of silent treatment and ignoring you all is awful, as is his blaming his problems on you. Issues at home are part and parcel of life, and we all need to learn to juggle multiple things as working adults.

In your position I'd have to say I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship. My suspicious is he is unlikely to change at this point. I couldn't live like this- come retirement he will probably find something else to obssess over.

Really? He would fit right in where I work. Add a bit of gaslighting too. SLT bingo.

From what you say about him it sounds like he doesn't want a family or value family life. Is his family just for show? Is it expected he would have a family?

The only way he can put these hours in is because you are doing ALL the care of your children. Honestly, what does he bring to this family?

Is he in a habit of blaming others at work, too? If so, clearly not leadership material then. 🤷‍♀️

You haven't talked about it but you already know he blames you? That he makes you think like that is on him and not you.

But this: "He did once say if he hadn’t married me his life would have been exactly where he needed it to be (career wise)." is something else. Prick. He's only where he is because you've allowed/enabled/supported him to be there. It'd be met with an "off you fuck then" here.