Husband didn’t get promotion and blames me

It’s not your fault he couldn’t leave his problems at the door and raise his game.

Presumably, if the promotion has been going on for 2.5 years he’s not moving into dead man’s shoes or competing for it. So, he needs to negotiate next steps with his employer and get this promotion back on the table, not sit around sulking like a child.

Op he is giving the children silent treatment too, so clearly this isn’t just you. He hasn’t said it’s your fault, you are assuming he feels that way because he isn’t speaking.

He sounds crushed beyond words and bottling it up. All of his sacrifices, every time he missed his child's play or saw you hanging by your fingernails he thought it will all be worth it one day, and now it hasn’t paid off at all - it was all for nothing. He sounds devastated op.

In your position I would run him a bath, hug him close and allow him to talk to you about it. If he has shut down it’s because of the promotion, not you.

When he has worked through his feelings maybe he will start to look for other jobs or correct his work/life balance.

Op you need start looking after your own health and mental week being, you both sound neglected and broken and maybe this lack of promotion will be the making of you.

Leave him! He might come to recognise that, far from it being ‘your fault’ when he fails, much of ‘his success’ is down to your support.

Lets see how he likes it when he has to pay support, manage the kids on his own on his days, think about getting them to school, their sick days etc etc.

Fuckers like this make me soooooo angry.

YANBU.

A 2 and half year process isn't going to hinge on an employee having a rough night at home.

BTW - was this in academia? I struggle to imagine a job that would entail such a process.

@2024Mu He is a workaholic. This is not going to change, probably ever. My DH is the same and we've been together since 2004. I think when the children are very small / primary aged it is probably the hardest time because there's more hands-on parenting required and you feel their absence. I did think about leaving when mine were tiny, due to a similar work situation for him arising, but ultimately stayed, for them. I don't have direct advice for you, just wanted to say you're not alone and hang in there, whatever direction you choose.

How is that fair on you OP? Sounds like you're the one who has done all the sacrificing.

He hasn't actually blamed you though has he? You are assuming he is blaming you. He doesn't sound like a catch tbh but you are projecting all sorts of thoughts and feelings onto him which he might not actually be having. He could be be quiet because he's upset and/or ashamed he hasn't got the job - or he could be a complete dick and blaming you. He hasn't said so we don't know. Do you often assume everything is your fault OP?

No wonder your mental health isn’t great with such an unsupportive DH. His priorities are all wrong and I hope when your children are all grown up he’s happy with the choices he’s made not putting them and you first.

This is so messed up. You two need to talk-I would suggest counselling. I think you also need individual therapy to deal with your issues separately before that. Work is work-not life and shouldn’t take over. What do you regret as you get older?…the missed opportunities just to be with the people you love and spend time making memories. You certainly don’t regret that late email or missing that work meeting!

He has no reason to blame anyone but himself and it is childish to do otherwise. Be sympathetic, but it's not anything to do with you. Perhaps he should put family before job - that he invests totally in the job may be his problem and if he comes over as being over-earnest or pressurizing at work this will not do him any favours among colleagues. Ex-husband blamed me for his non-progression at work and it was entirely his fault, his poor decisions and his inability to get on with other people - nothing to do with being married. Don't be gaslit.

If it's for a partner role sounds like he's more focussed on input rather than output and needs to be seen to be validated.
He's probably never been rejected. Just tell him you'll give him a few days to sort through his grump and then you expect him to cheer up. No one has died.
He needs to get feedback, I would imagine his workaholic tendencies have been noted. My dh is a partner at a big 4 and often worries about the workaholics as they can't cope with the added responsibilities they'll get.
Partnership is also not guaranteed, as well as being goos enough there are business cases to consider etc.
To put it into perspective my DH has never missed a birth, is very strict on holiday about what work he does, happy to take sick leave, listens to my stresses, helps with childcare when needed even though I'm a SAHM (health issues etc), walks the dog most nights when he comes in, cooks when he can.

What’s his job, OP? It doesn’t sound like he is actually managing it very well. If he’s unable to switch off and can’t keep up without that level of personally investment then he’s probably not capable of stepping up promotion-wise.
He’s also got a maturity issue clearly. I expect this rears its head at work too. If someone who worked for me came across like this then I wouldn’t promote them either.
In no way is it your fault. He needs to spend some time reflecting on his own actions and behaviours to understand that those are most likely the reason for no promotion. If he can’t do that then he doesn’t deserve one in the future either.

Maybe he didn't get promoted because he's not able to handle his workload within reasonable hours.

Well if he still doesn’t have a promotion despite devoting his life to ‘his work’ then he is a bit useless isn’t he.

How is that anything to do with you?

Maybe he is as good at work as he is at home, and that’s why he didn’t get promoted. Would you promote him at home?

God I’m so sorry and hope you get help for your mental help, did your depression happen to coincide with you living with your husband I wonder?

Irony is his work obsession is probably why he didn't get promoted... Not sure what industry he is in but once you get the more senior levels, they want someone with a life outside of work so they are more balanced leaders. It isn't setting a good example to his team if he never takes holiday and even blames his family for his lack of success - not sure he takes personal accountability the way a good leader should. No one wants that sort of old fashioned management style anymore - flexi working, remote working, younger generations entering the work place who value work-life balance etc. I think your DH is a dinosaur who needs to get a life, focus on his family and get some hobbies to really excel at work.

If he's a lawyer, I can also tell you this is their game. The system is a pyramid. Not everyone can rise to the top. They do a lot of carrot dangling to keep you chasing a promotion that may never come. New levels and barriers are invented at every turn, so if the promotion comes it's 5-10 years later than it should have been.

The trick is to get your own clients, move firms . Better still run your own business and take the time in life to do what you want to do rather than run yourself ragged paying for someone else's holiday home.

You feel overwhelmed by doing everything on your own? Then YOU go out and earn and he will stay at home and feel overwhelmed (with a washing machine, dishwasher and ready meals and a car, I presume). I am saying this as a sole breadwinner mum with a stay-at-home husband who can't work now after an operation. I demand respect, I do not allow to try and pick a fight with me, I remind them what it costs me physically and mentally to let him and my dc live in the style to which they became accustomed. It was not always like that - I used to come home from a work trip, with a suitcase, dog-tired and they used to 'dump' emotional stuff at me and other things before I even took my coat off. Problems and suchlike. In the end I just told them to appreciate and respect what they have, otherwise I stay at home and he returns to an office job after his op and dc goes to a local comp. To expect a breadwinner to come home to a fight? To sort problems which should have been sorted out by stay-at-home (work environment stress-free) parent? Seriously?

Tell him you've never had a day off due to sickness or a pay rise. That's life!

Remind him he's a number on a spreadsheet, working all that extra time for free to line the bosses pockets. How sad!

I was in the office today and saw an email from someone who was supposed to be on annual leave. It is a negative and annoyed the project manager.

No one ever sat on their death bed wishing they had spent more time in the office.

you might want to remind him of this, seeing as he sees you all as a burden to his work life.

Does he often blame you for his own failures, OP? (My ex was like that, which is why he's my ex, and your post resonated with me.)

Some people just seem to be delusional about their own capabilities, and can never accept that they have made mistakes. It always has to be someone else's fault.

If he's one of those, I'd say leave the bastard. He'll never change, and you'll be constantly on edge, dreading whatever thing is going to be your fault next. If this is a one-off, maybe some sort of relationship counselling might help, or maybe just counselling for him so that he can accept that some things will invariably not go in his favour.

Your DH needs to ask for honest feedback from his firm,, he needs to take on board what is said, and face up to whatever shortcomings come to light.

Like many PPs, his obsession with work would not recommend him to me as a positive quality. Sure, there are times in many jobs where everyone has to work like mad to meet a specific deadline, but not all the time. If someone has to work that hard it's an indication that they won't cope under the increased pressure of a more senior role.

I sympathise with his disappointment but he cannot blame you and his family for this, and neither should you.

@2024Mu So you are pretty much a single parent with someone that lives in your house. I'm surprised he did get married given what you've said about him. You need to put yourself first as he's clearly not supportive in any way. Sending you a hug :)

Sounds like he desperately tries to make up for lack of ability with diligence, at least as far as work is concerned.

In no way is it your fault that he isn’t the big swinging dick he wants to be. I know a lot of people in law and finance, not really in other corporate jobs, and their employers don’t seem put off by them going to nativities etc. People generally know about their colleagues’ children and spouses. Obviously court or deal deadline situations may sometimes make attendance at school events impossible but if an employee is good, employers are happy to offer a degree of flexibility.

This is all about him taking his disappointment out on you instead of either admitting it was a stretch too far or looking for ways he can improve to secure promotion. As he’s working all hours as it is, how on earth can he reason you are the reason he didn’t get promoted? He’s a dick, just not a big swinging one. Everyone at work has probably noticed.

I agree with a PP that perhaps his work have noticed he's not a very well rounded person. He sounds like a complete workaholic.

I get that it's embarrassing for him, but really he should be more embarrassed about being a rubbish dad and husband.

Would love to know the job / sector your DH is in - how is it a 2.5 year assessment period? Does he have to x amount of time in different departments? A bit like an old graduate scheme?

Your DH is a fool to think never taking time off, spending less time with family, working stupid hours will gain him promotion - he sounds like he has a 1950s mentality.

Leadership requires a different skillset and thought process - seeing the bigger picture, being able to motivate the team to be productive, delivering high quality output - working like a dog shows none of these attributes.

I am hoping he realises that working like this and blaming other people will get him nowhere.