Husband didn’t get promotion and blames me

In my old job I knew someone who was totally committed to his job, always the last to leave the office, always available on holiday blah blah. not a bad person. But one day (I wasn't there by then) someone came into the office in the morning and he was there face down on his desk having had a stroke and died. It was a shock, people were vary sad of course (he was fairly well liked) and within a week his work was being covered by someone else. He was important as a human being but completely replaceable work wise so it makes you think what was the point of putting his all into a job where within a week of his passing it made no difference.

Your husband sounds like he sacrificed absolutely loads, family time etc etc etc in the hopes of getting a promotion/recognition for what he was doing. He didn't get that and no he's taking it out on his family without realising that his family is the one place where any efforts he puts in will make a difference and be remembered for the rest of his children's lifetime (and likewise the lack of effort). He sounds incredibly foolish.

I have seen people promoted for;

Being in the right place at the right time

Being part of an "old boys network"

Having a face that fits

Having ideas to progress the company forwards & or generate more money, better statistics, better share prices, new ways of working such as work smarter, not harder etc

Many more scenarios

Unless he requests feedback for his lack of promotion he will never know

He might not like or agree with the person who has been promoted

However, the Op is not responsible for his lack of promotion

This…

Yuk!

Fuck him and fuck his very important job OP!

Ignoring his small child because he didn’t get his promotion, being horrible to his wife, checked out of family life (did he ever check in?), making his wife feel like everything is her fault, not being present for his DCs or doing anything in terms of household/kids stuff either I bet.

Tell the awful man you’re finished and now he will have no distractions from his precious job. Men like this will never change. He’s made it clear his family is not his priority.

If your dh really does put in the work, does a good job, is well liked and suitable for the promotion and doesn't get it, then either competition is very tight and he just lost out or is being held back because company needs him in current role too much (latter happened to me). Other side is maybe your husband isn't as good as he appears to you. But, in the end OP, who cares? He is making home life miserable. It has caused you health issues. His relationship with dc is indifferent. They are suffering. He needs to change now or get out. You have to stand up for yourself and, fgs, stand up for your poor children. With dads like this is it any wonder there are countless posts in this forum from women chasing men who treat them badly? Your children are being set up to always seek attention and approval from men that ignore them and treat them badly and base their self-worth on it.

I'm currently going through a promotion process which involves interview panels and psychometric testing, interview with a psychologist/life coach etc to discuss personal style etc (to leadership and coaching etc and identify gaps and come up with plans for improvement etc). It's hideous (and similar to Big4 where I "grew up").

The thing is, this process lays bare a lot of awful management styles. I know one person - who did get through recently - but who practically had an argument with his panel about not taking proper breaks from work and fully disengaging when on A/L both in terms of this being a risk management red flag and setting a bad WLB example to staff. He and I are very alike and I know that I will need to errrrm... "fudge" some of my responses at my interview if I don't want to have the same issue with the panel (notwithstanding that my job actually needs me to be the way I am, certainly at the moment and the pressures are different to other areas of the firm which are a bit easier to plan, schedule and take a break from when A/L comes around - i.e. Audit/Compliance!!!).

So the things that he seems to feel entitle him to the job may well be the very things that have been held against him.

Either way, blaming you is shit.

Surprise, surprise,the Tory apologist thinks a wife exists to meet her man's needs and put up with his sulks.🙄

I immediately thought Big4 as well, I've worked in HR in one of them during promotion rounds and there is no way the final presentation would swing it based just on an 'off day'. Panels know when someone is nervous or tired or whatever and they know the person's track record. It's very rare that the decision isn't already pretty clear, unless he was really, really marginal on the criteria i.e. income generation/client list and there was maybe something in the pipeline they wanted to explore further. Even then I can't see him having a bad day would be the ONLY reason he failed. It just wouldn't be. I know one person who didn't make it, manly due to a lack of real substance in his proposals, but he was given very clear feedback on what to do to be successful in the following year. He took the knockback on the chin, did all that and made it.

As for you, your problems are important too. Stop making yourself small in comparison to him. Has it occurred to you that you are stressed and unwell because of how little help and support he gives you? Blaming you for his lack of career progression is a terrible thing to do. I hope the responses on this thread give you some food for thought on what to do next.

Not surprising he wasn't promoted, he's a maniac.

I don't think he blames you, I think he's just feeling very bruised and under-appreciated, certainly at work and possibly at home too, right now. That said, if you've had no support at home with the children and feel like you've held it all together forever by yourself while he concentrates solely on his career, then that's not good for you either. There should be a better work/life/relationship balance than this.

What I will say though, is if he genuinely hasn't taken any time off in 15 years, has been through a 2.5 year process, gives his job his all and still doesn't get a promotion then he's possibly in the wrong job, or at least the wrong company. It's not normal to give that much effort over that much time, and still not see any reward.

It reminds me of something I experienced in Japanese corporate culture where no employee ever feels he can leave the office before anyone senior, and then they are frightened to leave the office before any of their peers in case word gets back that they are lazier or not as committed as someone else might be. All that achieves is that you have a room full of people, all still shuffling paper at 10pm each night, all exhausted, not terribly productive and all paranoid.

Perhaps he's fundamentally unsuited to that specific role and no amount of hard work is going to change that, so he gets overlooked. Perhaps his company completely take him for granted, have pigeon holed him for years and have no intention of helping him advance.

Maybe for his own sanity it's time for a move and a fresh start.

I’m not surprised your depressed, I would be too if my DH took the raging piss constantly. Get your self to a therapist and work on your self esteem. This man needs a reality check. People get promoted because they are LIKED by senior management. It’s got nothing to do with hard work or being competent or dedicated. And it certainly has nothing to do with you. He should try not being a dick.

OP, with all my respect no wonder why you are struggling with a man like him by your side.
YANBU.

Sounds like big4 partnership. I am a CA trained in big 4 so have plenty of friends / colleagues / aquaintances who have been through this more than once

The decent ones get on with it without affecting everyone around them but one who is currently going through it for the second time makes her husbands life hell too. But this is because she is a Not Very Nice Person - not because her partner has affected her chances of getting the promotion

Is it at all possible that he is blaming you OP because he also is a Not Very Nice Person rather than because you hindered his chances in any way? As someone in the profession I would also say that one of the measures of ability / capability to make partner, is the ability to delegate and bring more junior staff along behind you. It doesn’t sound as though he has developed that ability at all if he is unable to even attend his DCs school events or take a proper holiday

IMHO he should maybe take a moment to take a hard look at himself, how he’s conducting his work life, and how he’s treating you and his little family

I find it difficult to imagine that what you described could have undone 15 years of high performance (which is not the same as hard work and presenteeism) and 2.5 years of prep.

It sounds to me like your H may be one of the many men who sadly have ambitions beyond their capabilities. Because it really shouldn't be necessary to devote yourself quite so single minded for so long in a job thats a good fit for your capabilities, and for that not to result in promotion.

The fact that he is acting like you're too blame suggests an element of denial, as a healthy approach would be to look at where he may have fallen short. I hope your H comes to terms with it and to realise that not everyone climbs to the top. There's too few jobs and too much competition, more important things in life, like his wife and children. Because if he doesn't he may end up a bitter older man who's missed out on his family for nothing.

What a selfish arsehole.

He's a bad partner and a bad father.

He can't even take responsibility for his own career issues, and wants to blame them on you.

Really pathetic. I can't imagine why you would want to stay with him.

Your husband needs a really fast reality check regarding loyalty with his employers....should the worst ever happen to him, and you had to call them to tell them, before they had finished saying how sorry they were they would be emailing HR and placing an advert for his role.

You cannot possibly be to blame for his failure to get promoted unless you did the interview for him !!!

He needs a kick up the arse and help you more, and create a lift work balance or his kids are not going to have a relationship with him when they are older.

I think he should take this as a sign from God that being focused on his career and work is just not his destiny. Even if he is a workaholic and puts all the extra effort in, he isn't going to get rewarded so why bother. He should focus on his family and keep his job more as a way to make money for his family and put his ambitions to the side as they clearly don't work out.

Well I have high standards. If my h ignored my kids when they wanted to play there would be words. They don't have to take the consequences of his stress. Parent then later have your sulk.

I reckon you'd be a lot less depressed if you left him.

Your kids would be happier too.

Not engaging with your kids during a time of stress is not abusive. Come off it.

Do you work?

So he's an abusive father as well as a shit human being and a useless husband.

My god, some of you are married to twats. Divorce the prick so that he actually has to take care of his kids occasionally

Yes to this.

He’s got some fucking cheek hasn’t he! You are facilitating his life by doing home stuff and child care. I concur with the wanker majority verdict. He should be kissing your feet not petulantly whining about.