Husband didn’t get promotion and blames me

1. As a manager, I would be very wary of someone who works like he does - rather than seeing him as a candidate for promotion, I would wonder if he cant really cope with the amount of work he has.
2. if they were going to promote him, they would have. You sounding off to him the week before would have not made the slightest difference.
3. It is very possible that if he had not met you and had his family, he would not be as far along as he is - it is well established that married men rate their happiness as higher than any other group, then single women, then single men, then married women. Being married may have given him a lifestyle he would never have been able to attain on his own - house cared for, fed, clothed, life and family admin done.
4. If he needed time, he could have asked you.

Are you depressed? Or is it a reaction to a DH who is prepared to be like this?

A PP advised giving him a bit of space, personally I'd be giving the selfish sod a lot of space, in fact all the space he could handle. You and the children aren't a priority and heaven knows why he got married in the first place. I want to punch him if I'm honest. He sounds awful and can't understand why you put up with it all these years.

My dad never took a day off work, worked overtime every single day, was never there at bedtime, worked for the company for 15 years and they made him redundant without a second thought. The only good thing to come out of it was that it taught me to always put your family first.

You’re probably depressed as a very normal response to not having a very good husband.

I felt very down and started seraltine in Jan and it has helped me a bit.
He couldn't just have lost out on promotion because you had argument last week, can he ask for feedback.

The OP isn't making it all about her. He, however, is making it all about him. She says:

He did once say if he hadn’t married me his life would have been exactly where he needed it to be (career wise).

And now he's giving her the silent treament and ignoring the DCs when they're asking him to play.

Like hell would I be sorting out some nice treats and making it all about him for a few days. He's selfish and self absorbed, I certainly wouldn't be reinforcing that behaviour with treats.

You get promoted for results, not graft. There is a big difference.
Family first, work smart.

Unless you personally spent every single second of the last 2.5 YEARS deliberately upsetting him to make his job harder, then his getting a promotion or not was completely in his control and nothing to do with you.

If I was going to promote someone and I'd been looking at what they'd done over the past 2.5 years, 1 bad day wouldn't change my mind either way.

It's people who have bad years that don't get the promotion, not someone who had one off day, unless he went so far as to physically attack someone in the office or get arrested mid shift.

It's not your fault.
It's his fault.
He didn't get it because of him, not because of you.

First post nailed it.

In all the years I have known him he has NEVER once taken a day off.

OMG. Life is for living....

Like the Buddhist Lama said ^No-one on their death bed will be saying "I wish I'd spent more time in the office"

"Or kept a perfect house".

Gently, you need to stop making everything about you.

Yes you may have your own issues but you admit that he has worked so hard for this and it’s important that you allow him to feel sad for himself and not make it about yourself.

Be there to support him and tell him how he deserves it etc but also give him space.

Perhaps do some nice treats for him and just have a few days where it’s all about him.

I know I would be devastated if I was him and if someone was then making it about themselves, it would be such a kick in the teeth.

Exactly. Family over career always. It reminds me of that thread the other day where the mum blanked her children at the end of a running race, it wasn’t on then and it’s not on now. People need to realise that family always comes first beyond anything either hobby or work related. You can always say no.

Exactly

That’s very interesting.

Oh come on 2.5 years to make even an interview for promotion. He didn’t not get the job because of you it’s him. Just because he’s never taken a day off work doesn’t mean he’s good at his job.

I have worked with people like your husband - the inability to switch off is a huge red flag.

is he struggling to cope? Can he not put up healthy boundaries - does he manage a team. Dear love them - what an awful role model!

He needs some leadership/career counselling- maybe a mentor? It sounds like a promotion is the last thing this man could cope with. And I am sure his seniors saw that.

He doesn't actually blame you.

It is a defenceman mechanism that means he doesn't have to face up to the fact that he sacrificed his entire family life for this job yet still wasn't up to a decent enough standard to get the promotion. He feels like a failure and it's easier to just blame you than accept that.

That doesn't excuse him parking his failings at your door, it's bang out of order. But I would use it as a reason to have a chat about priorities as a family, what each of your really want out of life, shared and separate goals, what the kids NEED from each of you etc. Give him space before initiating that chat, but i would say it's essential to have or his workaholic behaviour and will destroy your marriage.

It happens to be the pattern of the dh, though. It's not a one-off.

That's usually when a thief is discovered when they're on holiday and a fresh pair of eyes has a look.

He needs to sort his priorities out!

You never have a day when you just need peace? Kids need to learn that sometimes parents need space and cannot play. That is life. And it’s a perfectly ok boundary. And is definitely not abuse.

Very unfair that he is blaming you for lack of promotion. You have every right to share your feelings with him, that is what a partnership is all about. And you have the overwhelming hard task of caring and nurturing children, that cannot be overestimated. Your husband sounds like a workaholic which isn't the same as being committed to your work. He appears overinvested in it at the expense of your marriage and family life. Please don't beat yourself up, you sound amazing

This. No wonder you're depressed, OP. I'd go absolutely nuclear on the fecker the second he even so much as intimated that his career failure was my fault. What an absolute shit he is.

And it's no wonder the OP is so down...

That's very sad indeed. And something everyone needs to remember. Most of the time, no matter what loyalty you show to your employer, they don't show it back.

From another side. DH is an auditor. He says they are always suspicious of the staff members who never take time off. It's usually because they are afraid to. And that is either because the office culture is so toxic they are terrified, or because they have their hand in the till somewhere. Either way it raises red flags big time.