Husband didn’t get promotion and blames me

Dear husband you have had x years to prove you deserve this promotion don't blame us if you think one week when you made your family even more miserable than usual overshadowed x years of employment your deluded.
You have also had x years to prove your up to being a husband and y to being a parent so far your not achieving that either.

He’s an abusive idiot.

I once read a book by a palliative care nurse where she'd interviewed her patients and collated their biggest regrets. Number one was working too hard. No matter what the patients had achieved nor how much money they'd made, when it came to the end they universally said they regretted working as hard as they did.

Sounds like he doesn’t deserve the promotion if he can’t stay focussed and hit it out the park just because of an argument at home that week and listening to his wife’s struggles. Personally he’s using you as an excuse, he needs to grow up and not give you the silent treatment that is very childish- if that’s a flavour of his communication style- maybe his work have good reason to not to give him the promotion

That was a completely different situation. You don't interfere on a course. Runner was correct to continue on regardless if her kids or anyone else. In that case the dad was completely negligent in caring for the children and keeping them off course. Good thing it wasn't me or I'd have run through.

People who work around the clock not taking holidays or sick days are probably likely to burn out over those who take care of themselves.

Gently I say this, but to some degree I feel you are being a bit victim playing going by your post title - - husband blaming me.

Give him time and space.

This is not acceptable behaviour.

He is punishing you all for his own shortcomings.

Be very, very clear that whilst you understand his disappointment he doesn’t get to take it out on you or the children.

(oh and ‘working hard’ doesn’t mean you deserve a promotion!)

He is really disappointed and looking for somebody to blame. It's a sad fact of life that loyalty and being hard working isn't always rewarded in the workplace. It's not your fault.

The message that I wish I'd learned a couple of decades earlier than I did is that if you're irreplaceable, you're unpromotable.
Your boss gets to see you boost someone else's career and bonus after denying you opportunities and the remuneration that you deserve, knowing full well that they will get nowhere near the budget to handle your workload.

Exactly!

It isn't even a case of "ooooh, he's an awful person who deserves to be punished I hope the OP leaves him." It is just a fact that if he continues down this road he will have damaged his future relationship with his children and lost years of his life, and all for nothing since it is clear the organisation don't appreciate his (over) commitment to his work. Obviously that doesn't mean he should quit working and the whole family relocate to a hippy commune. But there needs to be balance.

He is allowed to feel bad and have a little sulk, but it’s not fair to blame you. Ask him to take stock of where being a workaholic has got him. It hasn’t got him the promotion he was hoping for. Does his company respect him, or is it just expected he will work work work?

Not a day of AL? That is crazy, I thought by law you had to have some AL each year. He is missing out on life for nothing.

He's allowed to feel sad. But it isn't fair to blame the OP or take his anger out on her (although no-one's perfect and of course we all fuck up with the ones we love.) It really, really isn't fair for him to blame his small children or take his feelings out on them (by ignoring them). I can vaguely remember back in the 90s recession when I was tiny my dad and mum being quite stressed. What had actually happened was my dad had lost his very well respected job and wound up working as a pot washer in a restaurant. It caused tension between my parents, as an adult I can see how it must have been utterly demoralising for him. But I don't have a single memory of him blaming me, sulking around me etc because he wasn't a shit father.

Besides, it sounds like its always about the husband and his career and never about the OP. That's something that needs addressing, if not now then at some point soon because it isn't sustainable or fair on the OP and especially not on her children who deserve to feel like more than the reason daddy isn't successful.

My friend works in finance and by contract has to take two consecutive weeks off per year for this reason.

Your husband chose to be a husband and father but resents having to give any of himself to those roles. That is not your fault.

Like any workaholic he risks living his family as you might look for someone to actually share your life with or hope that he has contacts with the kids so you can get a little time off.

The muttering is concerning as could be a precursor to a mental health breakdown. It might be time for him to talk to his GP and try some antidepressants.

Apologies if I have missed the info but do you work? It might be helpful if you were sharing the financial burden.

@2024Mu

Sounds like he appreaciates the status and ego boost for himself as husband amd father society bestows on his masculinity in society,
and of course all the emotional benefits the security 🙄 of family life and meals cooked and lovely home comforts ,

but not the reality of putting in the effort of being a proper husband and dad,

He has checked out of his responsibilities donkey years ago,

He is just like workaholic bachelor single dude like a house mate sharing your personal space but not sharing your life's together,

His prioritises are seriously out of kilter not only is he jeopardise his marriage but also his own health too

Being disappointed doesn't give him the right to be a massive dick and check out of family life though.

Massive disappointment for him, @2024Mu but its nothing to do with you.

Give him time, maybe he'll realise that work isn't everything and maybe he'll stop trying so much.

He doesn't deserve the promotion, he isn't well rounded as a person, husband or employee. He's abusive.

This!

The post doesn’t say that. What the post actually describes is someone is working exceptionally hard to his own detriment. If he’s the only working parent that’s going to add further stress. There’s nothing here to suggest abuse. Stress yes. Overworked yes. Abuse. No.

Unless he works in a professional services company his behaviour sounds like he would be a very poor candidate for promotion. He sounds a terrible role model unable to manage his workload and probably making junior staff feel guilty if they’re not equally available.
if he does work in professional services still bad but encouraged!

I assume he didn’t make partner? In which case it’s not a one week decision. It’s a long term decision made by a lot of people. He is annoyed and taking it out on you which isn’t fair. He should be pissed at being told he was going to make it when he wasn’t

He’s a workaholic, an unsupportive partner and father, and you’ve developed depression managing small children alone… and because you’re depressed and row with him when he consistently fails to hear/see/recognise you need support…. it’s your fault that he didn’t get a promotion?

I suspect 2 things:
1, he didn't get the promotion because he is equally self-centred and unresponsive to the needs of his colleagues which makes him a bad risk for management or seniority;
2, that your marriage has been failing for some time and that you either need to insist he undertakes come couples therapy to save it, OR you free him up to work as much as he likes - every weekend if he fancies it - by showing him the door. And locking it firmly after him.

Your H is abusive. There's no other word for this behaviour. You need to leave before he takes it out on the DC even more. Men like this do NOT improve. Only escalate. What stage they escalate to will vary of course, but make no mistake - they escalate.

Please leave OP. I was your youngest DC in this scenario growing up and my life would've been a thousand times better had my mum left. In fact, my entire adult life would've taken a different course. I won’t go into the minute, specific reasons why, of course but it would have done. Entirely different. At 40 years old I am still in therapy for the shit I both witnessed & endured as a child. My post probably seems like an overreaction given you've just posted about your H's reaction to not getting a promotion but people like myself who've grown up in households like this, we spot the signs a mile off. We have invisible radars spinning on top of our heads 😉

He has sacrificed a lot. Yes, you and the kids.