Husband didn’t get promotion and blames me

He needs a sharp shock that he is at risk of losing more than a promotion if he keeps this up. He can add divorced dad due to being an inadequate father and husband to his list of failures.

Exactly that. You need to work hard and be good, but anyone worked like him at my place of work they would not get promotion but a serious talk from HR about their inability to manange their time and workload. Part of being senior is knowing how to delegate and manage your workload.

Yep. Classic workaholic. His bosses can shove the work onto him. Maybe time for him to get a new job as he isn’t being appreciated where he is, or at the least to have a change in attitude. He’ll get respected more if he takes his AL properly (no phone checking)and sets boundaries, and you won’t have to carry all the burden of domestics and child care. If you never have fun times together without work interruptions, no wonder you are getting depressed.

Your op is completely twisted op. It is HIM that has got it all wrong. His priorities are appalling. It's nothing to do with you that he isn't good enough for a promotion. It is to do with him that he's left you to do all the family work or by yourself.
This is quite standard for a mediocre man. Doesn't have the ability to Lord it up at work so takes it out on his family instead.

So he’s neglected his wife and missed out on his children’s lives all for the sake of climbing the career ladder, then it turns out he probably isn’t as good as he thinks he is anyway? I mean I can see why that would feel shit for him, but I suppose it’s too much to hope it will lead him to do any much-needed soul searching about the need for balance, and where his priorities should actually lie.

What do you get out of this relationship exactly? You’re walking on eggshells, watching your children be ignored and completely lacking in any emotional or practical support by the sounds of things.

Sounds like you’ve supported him plenty by handling everything at home/ all the parenting. I very much doubt that you being stressed/ down in the week before the meeting will have made a difference - from what you’ve said he’s more than capable of ignoring you and tuning you out because he’s been doing it for much of your relationship.

If he really couldn’t manage to deal with both a meeting and an upset wife in the same week, the adult response would have been ‘I’m sorry you’re feeling so low. You obviously need more support and we have stuff to work on, I do want to make sure that happens but I have this huge meeting this week and I really do need to focus on that. I promise once that’s out of the way we will talk properly’.

If it's a 2.5 year process then you offloading a bit a week ago hasn't caused him to not get it. He's had 2.5 years to do this, has chucked everything he has at it by the sounds of it, and it's not paid off. Either he's not as good as he thinks he is - he wouldn't be the first man who thinks replying to emails at 11pm is more important than the actual content of them - or he's so reliable in the job he's in that they don't want to lose him there. Either way not your fault and frankly he's an arsehole if he thinks it is.

Of course it’s not your fault. He sounds like many of the ‘senior’ men where I used to work, the unhealthy working patterns, never switching off, barely being present at home, sacrificing everything for the business. It was a toxic culture that was expected. Thing he needs to now realise quickly is that he’s never going to attain the next step in that organisation and he needs to get out to progress. Best case scenario is he’s allowed to stay where he is, watches others advance past him and become bitter, worst case is they slowly manage him out.
Either way, do you want to live through that? You need to have your eyes fully open as this could get a lot worse, you need support systems that are solid and reliable and you need a hard boundary regarding how much of this you are willing to take. I saw so many partners (usually women) who ended up being treated as little more than staff but who were expected to be grateful because of the money/lifestyle provided.

The silent treatment is purile and Id be letting him know it. We all suffer setbacks in our lives but taking it out on our closest family is unfair and he needs to take a hard look at himself and his priorities before he loses his family.
If he didn't get the promotion after working his socks off like that then maybe his face just doesn't fit and he needs to ask them for some honest feedback. Tbh if he's really been working that hard at the expense of his family and still not got the promotion then maybe he'd be better off moving elsewhere if he can. Wouldnt a promotion anyway mean even more work hours?

Your dh is pissed off because he has found out he is not as important at work as he thought he was. I know people just the same who insist on checking in whilst on leave as they are so so important when really it is all just self indulgent ego boosting. This is not your fault op, your dh has just had his pride dented.

He's ignoring the kids?? That is very cruel, along with creating a toxic atmosphere.

It's not your fault at all.

I don’t even know what to say to this. It’s abysmal behaviour from him. The way he has trodden you down is horrific. You don’t deserve it and you would be better off out of this marriage.

Work addiction - workaholism- is a thing and it sounds as though your DH might have this.

It sounds totally miserable for you and your family to come second to work in his list of priorities. I don't know how you can live with this on a long term basis.

He has no right to blame you for his lack of promotion. It is probably easier for him to blame you than for him to cope with the knowledge he himself wasn't considered good enough.

What purpose is blaming you for his lack of promotion.
People who do not take breaks away from work nor time off are usually the ones who need to or should.
Perhaps he needs to vent and find a healthier way to direct his annoyance than at you... easier to make it your fault.
Your own problems are not invalid or any less small, of it matters to you it matters.
Perhaps he needs to book a family break and actually be grateful for what he has.

I didn’t know his big Final meeting was last week when I was really stressed out

That's because he didn't tell you, and/or he didn't remind you though, right?

He's got a family that he's been de-prioritising for 15 years. No wonder his wife has depression.

None of the highest level execs that I know of check out of family life.

YANBU

It is not your fault.

He hasn’t said it outright but I know he blames me

No, you don't.

He should be more concerned about his failings as a husband and father rather than his promotion disappointment. Perhaps he'd do better seeing the kids every other weekend?

Re the promotion, sound like he was going for Partner or similar. It’s quite unusual to get that type of role on first application. If this isn’t the case for him, he needs to interview at the level he wants with a competitor.
Re the events of last week. Like others say, it wouldn’t have made a difference to the result of his promotion, that was probably decided internally a while back. I do think it sounds like the two of you need to have a frank discussion about how life is at the moment and look for ways to make improvements.

The key issues as I see it -

Does he really want to devote this sort of energy to an employer that passed him over for promotion?
Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who prioritises his work to this extent? Because after years of this behaviour it’s quite unlikely he will change.

Are you in the UK? I thought employers were legally obligated to ensure they've had a minimum level of leave. Not taking a day off in 2.5 years is ridiculous.

But this isn't a great attitude to work either. My work want me well and operating at my best, being actually present not just my presence. I've had a few days off sick and properly switch off when my family needs me, so does my boss who is absolutely incredible at her job. I've still been promoted and have an excellent reputation. It's not about hours clocked, it's about what you do with them.

He's not indespenseable, he's a number just like any other employee.time he woke up to that .

Sorry OP but your DH is a workaholic and like other posters, I’d be more concerned about this than the fact that he’s blaming you because he hasn’t been promoted. It sounds very much to me that the only thing he cares about is work and that you and the kids have always run a very poor second. That would’ve been a dealbreaker for me a long time ago. Any man that was quite clear that he would’ve prioritised his job over the births of his children would’ve been out of my life sharpish.

Was the plan that once he got the promotion he could be more present in your children's lives?

Is it something like Big4 partnership? The timelines are similar to my DH when he was trying.