Husband didn’t get promotion and blames me

To be brutal if you being stressed was enough to derail his performance then perhaps he wasn’t ready to step up to the next level.

Absolutely, 100%.

Also, only a scumbag would ignore his children because he didn't get what he wanted.

I’m amazed you’re still with him. What sort of life is that for anyone? The outcome of the promotion will have been known 6 months before he went into that room. He didn’t get it because he wasn’t ready/hasn’t yet developed the right behaviours/is very poor at time management (likely!) and is nothing to do with you. He’s disappointed and he’s in a grump. Let him get on with it. A bit of failure or disappointment every now and again is good for growth and development.

To be brutal if you being stressed was enough to derail his performance then perhaps he wasn’t ready to step up to the next level.

This.

Him not getting promoted has nothing to do with you.

The promotion has gone to someone who:
(a) can manage their work effectively
(b) isn’t an arsehole

You are living in a reality distortion.

I think

It is usual to take AL.
It is usual to be a parent to your children.
It is usual to support your spouse emotionally.

You have created a reality where the above aren’t happening and you are trying to gaslight yourself to be ok with it and your emotions are shouting at you that this isn’t right. It isn’t right your husband has created a distortion for the whole family to walk around on egg shells so he doesn’t have to fix whatever it was that made him feel that it is ok to treat you the way he treats you. Get out of the matrix. What he thinks doesn’t matter. Start getting in touch with what you think and feel.

It's definitely not your fault. You have enabled him to work through holidays etc. It seems like he's good at his job and they want to keep him there in that role. He's naturally upset and needs some time to get over it.

It is difficult dealing with family life and a depressed partner but the reality is that won't affect his work chances
Someone more talented for that role has got it. He needs to adk for feedback and work on that

I reckon he's not got promoted because he's a workhorse and they'd rather keep him where he is

Yeah we have one in our place. He's there 10 years and still keeps getting passed up for promotions because hes the idiot whose ENTIRE LIFE is his job.

How he performs at work and what promotions he gets has nothing to do with you, obviously.

I don't like the sound of him at all and I would be very depressed if I had to live with him. It's as though you and the children are nothing to him.

I would be making very serious plans to separate from him.

You're making this about you when it's not.

He hasn't said he blames you so stop making ridiculous assumptions.

The guy has spent 2.5 years working hard for something and it didn't pay off. He is clearly disappointed and will no doubt be really upset. Nothing to do with you.

So stop making it about you and try to support him and cheer him up.

Surprised he actually found time in his busy important schedule to have sex with you in order to create the kids TBF.

Sounds like you’d all be much happier if he buggered off.

Workaholics are bad at the best of times and horrible when things are not going well for them.

He is totally out of order to blame you for his work issues. You need to have a proper discussion about his priorities and how he treats his family, particularly as all that sacrifice and focus on work has not yielded the success he clearly wanted. That is really important, don't just pussyfoot around him telling him how this is impacting you.

As for his career, he needs to move to another employer. I have never seen anyone who has failed to gain promotion first time have a good career trajectory if they have stayed. He probably has more value in the job market than in his current employer.

To be brutal if you being stressed was enough to derail his performance then perhaps he wasn’t ready to step up to the next level. I am senior in Financial Services and I have had to go into meetings and perform well even when I have up all night working or with a sick child.

On one occasion I received a phone call telling me a hospitalised close relative had just died just before a key meeting. I couldn’t bail on the meeting at short notice so I had to take some deep breaths and hold it together for an hour.

You being stressed is not the problem, at the level he wants to be he needs strategies to perform even when bombarded from all angles.
One of the things that helps is keeping work in perspective (which is why I am MN on my commute not wading through non-critical messages). His workaholic behaviour is likely damaging his performance because sometimes you need to step back and think more strategically rather than just plough on.

In all the years I have known him he has NEVER once taken a day off

if he is employed in UK this can't be the case. He wouldn't be able to not take any annual leave including public holidays - his employer wouldn't want to breach employment law for 10 years.

This is not any way to live. he's a workaholic who leaves everything to you. I'm so sorry, that's not fair on you or dc.

I wouldn't promote him either.

He has no time management, no life outside of work, copes by sulking and would be an appalling line manager.

He sounds awful.
His priority is not his marriage and family.
Your poor children.
How convenient that he chooses to blame you.
I can well imagine your mental health is not great living with someone so unpleasant.
What can you do to move forward?
Do you want to be married to someone who clearly has zero interest in his family?

Hi OP, it’s not your fault. No idea what your DH job is but perhaps he needs to leave look elsewhere. They won’t promote him.

Another man baby throwing out his dummy and having a tantrum.

Maybe just maybe it is this personality trait that stopped him getting his promotion. He’s a hard worker but another candidate still got the promotion over him. That is life!

WTAF is wrong with him ? Take responsibility for yourself like a man ,instead of blaming your wife! He has worked hard for sure ,but so do many people its not a guarantee of promotion sadly. He needs to get over it and either try again or give up.Maybe his attitude is wrong and a more family friendly guy/girl has got it.

Ach I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but what is the point of this relationship? He’s never there, doesn’t care about your problems (which are valid) and sounds like he doesn’t like his children either.

As others have said, he’s had his pride dented at work. If we’re being optimistic, he’s lashing out because he knows he’s sacrificed his family for nothing, and in time he’ll realise that work isn’t worth it and he’ll start putting you all first. Less optimistically, he’ll just become nastier and nastier and continue to resent the incredible family he is lucky to have.

I hope it’s the former, but maybe prepare what you plan to do if it turns out to be the latter, because that is no life for you or your children.

No sweetheart, you can't be blaming yourself for him not getting the promotion. You do realise that you're a person too, with feelings and you matter in the relationship as much as he does. It doesn't matter how unimportant he thinks your stresses and worries are, they were important to you and you needed to offload and discuss. Again you are a person in this marriage and you deserve to be able to do that. He is not treating you like a partnership or a family unit.
Looking at the "what ifs" are pointless, he is a husband and father and he cannot put his career above you all every single time. You need to have a discussion with him and remind him he is an integral part of a family and not a single man, with only his job to consider.

He’s a selfish prick, a terrible partner and more importantly, an awful father. Does he think his kids will completely understand and be ok with knowing daddy’s job was more important than they are to hIm? He shouldn’t have had a family if he doesn’t have time for one.

YANBU. I'm not surprised he didn't get his promotion.

I wouldn't promote someone whose whole life focus was his job, never takes annual leave and who sulks over a failure. In fact in our company he would be required to take four weeks a year.

Good employees are well grounded, balanced, have personal resilience and not suffering from chronic stress.

In a week or two, maybe you could suggest that to him.

I know men like your husband. I’ve worked with men like your husband. He will never get promoted and it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He’s a toxic workaholic (and probably not actually that efficient in his job but thinks he’s indispensable) and the management probably knows that if he gets into any kind of leadership position the toxicity will spread and other staff might leave. If he’s treating you like this at home I doubt he’s a lovely supportive colleague at work….

Your husband's priorities are all fucked up.