Husband didn’t get promotion and blames me

What exactly does he do for a living OP, I can’t imagine ever caring enough about a job enough to be so awful to my family! He is totally in the wrong here, sounds like he has done a real number on you for you to be even questioning this..

That is so sad. It will get to a point when it will be the kids who will ignore him, and there will be no coming back. Kids aren´t stupid.He will be as important as any other piece of furniture in the house, just part of the view. When he retires/dies life in his precious company will move on as if he had never been there and so will life with his family I am afraid.

This. It is reasonable for him to be upset and there is no indication at all that he blames you.

I am going to guess he is a lawyer and was going for partnership.

Have been through those holidays where calls were still taken and emails responded to! We came to a compromise where he would deal with these for half an hour after breakfast and then half an hour later when I was getting ready for dinner.

The reality is if you chatting about your minor (to him) issues is enough to throw him off his stride in his big final meeting then he isn't ready for promotion and the extra responsibility it would bring if he can't separate that out!

He is either annoyed at himself, his bosses and/or disappointed which is understandable but it isn't acceptable to blame you and treat you as though it's your fault.

He needs to get over himself and decide whether after all this the firm or company where he is is the right place for him or whether he would progress more by going on elsewhere which is often the case.

Has the firm said why he was turned down and likely progression going forward. Its a bit different when it is you aren't suitable to becoming a partner here to there is no current business case for you to be made up and the financial don't support your application. But in any event this is not down to you.

Do you want to spend the next 50 years like this?

Do you or have you ever worked at a professional job? From what you write it doesn't sound like you do. It's the way you wrote your original post. About how he worked all the time and no breaks, and how he deserved a promotion

To me, it sounds like he's blaming you for his lack of progression career wise. It maybe he just didn't have what it takes to get to the next level. Or he's not been ambitious enough and stayed at one place instead of applying for promotions with another employee.

Truth is, I don't have what it takes either to climb the next step. I'm very good technically. But I just don't shine and I don't like change so I prefer to be comfortable where I am. Therefore while I believe I'm good at my job, I don't get promoted. I'm happy with that. I earn over £60k but I can't see myself being higher up the ladder in 5 or 10 years time. But I don't blame my kids or DH for holding me back. I know it's me.

I think that's the problem with your DH. It's him, but instead of owning up to his shortcomings, he blamed it on you and the kids.

Yanbu. It’s no wonder you’ve been depressed, your husband prioritises work over everything else including you and the children. You’re doing everything with no support from him and that does not make for a happy relationship.
It’s not your fault he didn’t get the promotion- if he was the right person for the job, he would have got it.
I would seriously consider whether you want to stay in this relationship as it sounds like it’s making you miserable. You need to sit down together and have some serious conversations, I would also suggest marriage counselling so that he can hear from a third party how unreasonable he’s being in always prioritising work to the detriment of his relationship with his wife and children.

OP are you a SAHM? Your DH sounds like a man baby is is exploiting you. The set up clearly isn't working for you; are there any changes you could make?

He takes annual leave…

Must be nice being with someone who only ever works and doesn’t put you first because his job is more important, you never go on holiday? He doesn’t care about your stress? Or his kids? I gather he makes good money.

tbh op, why are you even together? He’s too incompetent even with 24/7 etc working to get a promotion then he blames it on you, he never puts you or the kids first and he’s at work all the time anyway? You’d be better off on your own as you do it all anyway. Now he’s being an arsehole to you becuase of his own inadequacies. Blunt yes, but this won’t get better.

He's sad, angry, disappointed. It seems fair that he needs a bit of time to process this.

Whilst you have your own worries, he also has his and I don't think we always know what is going on inside the minds of our close family.

Leave him figure it out. Support him by carrying on as normally as possible with the children. He might be considering his future options in terms of work life.

Of course it's not your fault. But that doesn't mean that he isn't thinking that - when we're upset we have all sorts of totally irrational thoughts that we need to work through and question logically -hopefully coming to sensible answers.

If it continues he might need to get some help from something like MIND/ work wellbeing or his GP.

Do you love him?

Do you want to remain married to him, albeit with a shift in balance?

If you do, then the two of you urgently need to start communicating. Understanding each others' pressures, priorities, worries, needs.

Working as a team. At the moment you are house sharing co-parents.

Can you take a few days away to chat about your life together going forward? Could you go to counselling to help you re-balance your respective roles?

From what you've said, no of course you're not to blame. And he hasn't blamed you. Maybe he's sulking because he's realised what he's expected you to put up with and it hasn't paid off. You two need to talk.

Exactl this. Furthermore, he clearly cannot be that good at prioritising which is essential to be good at any job too. Exceptional employees know when to give priority to their family, body, heads because they know how to prioritise in general.

Thiiiiis. You've sacrificed for his career! He sounds fucking awful OP. No wonder you're feeling down x

This - Emotional Abuse. It must stop immediately, or he needs to take his abusive arse out of the family home. Tosser.

And illegal? From your post he sounds awful, what do you mean 'non important problems'? Who said they were non important?
Is his the only household income?

He values his employment more than you and his family - time for a serious think about if you really want this man in your life. It doesn’t sound like he’s been much of a father to your DCs.
It’s NOT your fault he didn’t get the job, he needs to step back and look at what he stands to lose.
Stay strong sweetheart, you know we are all behind you on this 💐

Your depression is developed because of zero support from your husband and constantly making yourself available for EVERYONE other than you!! I honestly get how important his work is BUT where does that leave you and his family. The very fact he made the comment "if he hadn’t married me his life would have been exactly where he needed it to be (career wise)." highlights how he feels! I feel this could go two ways.

1. He will realize his job is not the be all. It sucks the life out of him and he needs to do something about it i.e step back

2. throw himself even deeper into work and you will become even more sick.

You are given him the picturesque family without the responsibility. Yet you are the one developing serious sickness. You literally depressed and you are worried about how he feels!! This is not ok!

The fact he didn’t get the job is nothing to do with you, how ridiculous. It is as he was not the best candidate. No matter how highly he thinks of his own abilities, or how much he thinks he was entitled due to grafting, it doesn’t change the fact someone else was better.

it is a bitter pill for him to swallow but do not accept him making it your fault.

OP my dad was a bit like this when we where kids, the only thing he has ever said he regrets about life, is that he worked to much when we where kids. My mum died before they retired so he never got to spend a lot of quality time with her to.
No one ever lay on their death bed and said, I wish I had worked more. He also several times got overlooked for promotion and I expected that they felt he was to valuable in the role he was already in. Ie to good at his current job, and would drop everything else to take a work call unlike others. Making yourself to indispensable can actually be a bad thing.

So... Your husband is largely 'responsible' for your depression.... 🙄.

You both need to work out what is important to BOTH of you...

Oh god OP can you leave him? I imagine you haven't been able to work but he presuming earns quite well.
He sounds odious.

Perhaps his employers can see what an unpleasant man he is better than you can OP?

He's a workaholic. Does that suit you and the family? Are your needs being met? (It sounds like no to me.)

OP this isn't on you. I couldn't be with someone like him, no chance.