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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to date a man that my close friend has dated?

156 replies

Bertiebellender · 29/05/2024 01:30

My close friend and I (We’ll call her Amy) are both single. We have been for a couple years!
She is actively and regularly dating. Currently seeing someone now, but these things tend to be short lived.
She tends to take an approach of throwing herself into dating, to get to know people.
I on the other hand rarely date unless I see something special in a man.

The man in question (let’s call him Daniel) is on the periphery of our social circles.
My friend bonded with him at a party that I couldn’t attend at the beginning of the year.
Shortly after the party Daniel went away for a
month with work. The company he works for were setting up business abroad.
Amy and Daniel would text and call often. Making arrangements to meet when he got back.
There was nothing physical between them. But they shared a lot of personal stuff and bonded over similar experiences. As well as all the normal flirting.
Amy really liked him and wanted to see where things could go.
Daniel on the other hand felt he wasn’t in the right place to be dating and didn’t want to ruin the friendship.
I don’t think that they actually went on a date. Just a couple of months max of calls and texts.
They remained in contact as friends, albeit sporadic. She has seen him in person since but with another friend at a gig.
Amy was very upset at the time, having become really close, emotionally.

I have ran into Daniel a handful of times. Previously I would have just been polite, as an acquaintance, didn’t really know him to spend time chatting.

But since the situation with Amy I’ve been friendly with him, as we both have Amy in common.
We recently ended up on the same train together for an hour chatting about various topics.
I felt that I’d really warmed to him. We messaged a few times since (fb messenger, we haven’t swapped numbers), nothing major but I was feeling interested in him as a person.
He’s just asked me out on a date.
I feel like he could be a good match in terms of values and interests, I like his sense of humour and he’s easy to talk to.
I think he’s attractive.
He ticks a lot of boxes and seems like a good person.
I’ve met many of Amy’s dates in the past.
Friendly but platonic with most.
The occasional one has shown an interest
but it was one sided, I’ve never considered it.
This is different, I feel differently about this man.

a) My friend is kind and will tell me it’s fine. But I think she will still be hurt.
Therefore I’m stupid to even consider this.
And should reject him for “dating” my friend first.

b) I rarely feel like I want to date anyone.
I feel like Amy will have dated most single men our age in our local area, that I will struggle to find anyone to date who she hasn’t previously dated.
This scenario was inevitable at some point and I should just speak to my friend first before I accept a date.

I can’t sleep and need some perspective on this.
AIBU to consider this at all?
Would you be upset if you were in Amy’s position?

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 29/05/2024 15:49

Daniel wasnt ready to date Amy because he didnt want to. It is just a nicer way of saying it.

Amy may be disappointed to realise that as she liked him more but I doubt it will be any more disappointing than if he started dating a stranger.

As long as you speak to her so she knows about possible date and that you have considered her feelings then you have done nothing wrong.

If i were Amy i wouldnt want you to miss out on a chance with Daniel because of me. What if you pass up this opportunity and then Amy meets the love of her life in current guy?

If he was a boyfriend or someone who treated Amy badly it would be different but as you say it is a small world so impossible to avoid any crossover.

Original poster
Bertiebellender · 29/05/2024 15:48

CLola24 · 29/05/2024 15:40

If you're thinking of discussing this with her, put yourself in her shoes. The options you would have are:
-saying you have a problem with it and looking controlling and ruining two people having a chance
-pretending to be fine then having to either watch or listen to it unravelling or distance yourself to cope

I've been in that situation myself and when I was upset watching a mate and an ex get together (I am aware Amy and Daniel aren't exes), I was told "but you said you were fine with it"... what else was I meant to say, it was basically a heads up that I was about to have my heart broken by two people I loved and it still hurts now.

She was upset with what happened with him, she will be upset about this.

I also think its odd that he decided not to take things further with her as he didn't want to ruin their friendship, like a move like this wouldn't be equally if not more ruinous.

You're all adults, and you will all be fine and you will end up doing what you want. Realistically though, I cannot see any way that this wouldn't be upsetting for her.

I agree with your points

OP posts:
honeypancake · 29/05/2024 15:48

Talk to Amy, not in a way that you are asking for her permission but just for the sake of being transparent and honest with her. Tell her Daniel asked you out on a date and double check that they are not dating at the moment. I think that would be sufficient. I am sure she will understand if it was not a serious relationship, and maybe will even encourage you to go, saving you all the worries.

Original poster
Bertiebellender · 29/05/2024 15:47

TusconTrain · 29/05/2024 15:37

Maybe this has made you realise that you (reasonably) want to be able to open yourself up to the possibility of dating men Amy has dated, and to to stop automatically crossing all of them off your potentials list. Maybe this isn't about Daniel, it's made you realise there's a bigger problem with your approach. Has Amy actually asked you not to date them?

Maybe you’re right.
Amy has never asked me to not date anyone.
She’s not done anything wrong here.

It probably is a bigger problem around my approach to dating.
I know I can’t manage Amy’s approach to it all. Feeling on the back foot a little.
I was hoping she’d have found someone, then I could find someone after.

OP posts:
LoisFarquar · 29/05/2024 15:41

RedRobyn2021 · 29/05/2024 15:35

I think I am a good friend, but we're I in your position I would go on a date with him.

Like you said you don't like many people and she's seeing someone else

Me too. I’d be entirely upfront with her, but also be unapologetic about pursuing my own interests in the circumstances, if the pool of non-ghastly available men isn’t big, and Amy dates everyone.

stepfordblanket · 29/05/2024 15:41

So, what, potentially just be single forever because Amy gets to all the guys first and forms premature emotional attachments with them?

You're not being a bad friend to want to go on a fucking date with a guy who at most sexted with her. If Amy has a problem with it, enough to ruin the friendship, SHE'D be the one being a bad friend for putting a brief flirtation (just one of many, I might add) before her friendship with you.

Amy's going to have to accept at some point that getting attached to so many men in quick succession might mean that some of those men end up in relationships with her own friends because the local dating pool isn't bottomless.

CLola24 · 29/05/2024 15:40

If you're thinking of discussing this with her, put yourself in her shoes. The options you would have are:
-saying you have a problem with it and looking controlling and ruining two people having a chance
-pretending to be fine then having to either watch or listen to it unravelling or distance yourself to cope

I've been in that situation myself and when I was upset watching a mate and an ex get together (I am aware Amy and Daniel aren't exes), I was told "but you said you were fine with it"... what else was I meant to say, it was basically a heads up that I was about to have my heart broken by two people I loved and it still hurts now.

She was upset with what happened with him, she will be upset about this.

I also think its odd that he decided not to take things further with her as he didn't want to ruin their friendship, like a move like this wouldn't be equally if not more ruinous.

You're all adults, and you will all be fine and you will end up doing what you want. Realistically though, I cannot see any way that this wouldn't be upsetting for her.

TusconTrain · 29/05/2024 15:37

Maybe this has made you realise that you (reasonably) want to be able to open yourself up to the possibility of dating men Amy has dated, and to to stop automatically crossing all of them off your potentials list. Maybe this isn't about Daniel, it's made you realise there's a bigger problem with your approach. Has Amy actually asked you not to date them?

RedRobyn2021 · 29/05/2024 15:36

@Bertiebellender just read your last message and you need to tell Amy this x

RedRobyn2021 · 29/05/2024 15:35

I think I am a good friend, but we're I in your position I would go on a date with him.

Like you said you don't like many people and she's seeing someone else

Original poster
Bertiebellender · 29/05/2024 15:34

ll345 · 29/05/2024 15:18

OP, I read all your messages and didn't think you were critical or judgemental of Amy at all :) It does sound like you are being quite critical of yourself though, and does sound a little like you are in fear of what Amy's reaction may be. You are entitled to find happiness in relationships too! :) :)

Show quote history

Thank you.

Tbh I am in fear of Amy’s reaction.
Not that she’ll be angry, just the potential impact or distance it might put between us.
she’s human too and can’t help how she’ll feel.

Early adult life I didn’t have any close friends having moved locations a few times.
It was a painfully lonely time.
Ive been friends with Amy for a good number of years now and truly value her as a person and our friendship.
I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise our friendship but equally want to find someone to share my life with, as she does too.

I think if it had been one of her other dates this wouldn’t be an issue.
it’s just this particular person and circumstance.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/05/2024 15:31

I think you should go on a date or two and see how you feel and then tell her if you think it's going to become something. But be prepared she's likely to distance herself from you as she did get very emotionally invested and confide in you.

WimpoleHat · 29/05/2024 15:30

Statistically it’s becoming harder for me to meet single, suitable, attractive men that Amy hasn’t already dated.

This is key. It really is. And it’s why all this online dating has changed “the rules” about a friend’s ex. In the situation I outlined upthread, I turned down a friend’s ex because a) they’d been pretty seriously involved for over a year and she thought she had a future with him and was devastated to be dumped and b) because there wouldn’t have been that issue with any other man in a 30 mile radius. Neither of these things are true here. I wouldn’t even call Daniel “Amy’s ex”; he’s someone she chatted to for a while with whom she didn’t actually pursue a relationship.

A good (male) friend of mine is a bit like this - won’t date anyone any of his friends or colleagues have dated. Because “it’s not done”. But he’s still single at 51. If you think you have a real connection with Daniel, you should explore it.

Original poster
Bertiebellender · 29/05/2024 15:28

RacketsAndRounders · 29/05/2024 13:14

It does come down to choosing though.

I'm honestly not having a pop at you here, but you know it will sour the friendship and the reason you're asking on mumsnet is to understand if you are unanimously perceived to be an arsehole or whether there is a grey area and yu might be encouraged to go for it and hope she might come around.

Ultimately the rights and wrongs don't matter, you need to make a decision and see it through.

If you date him, she will be upset and it will sour things, even if she gives you her blessing.

If you have mutual friends they might well pick sides (even though it will be in a covert way of only inviting one of you out to avoid awkwardness and you'll probably be the one that loses out).

No amount of soul soothing will change the reality of making the decision.

On the other hand, maybe she will keep her hurt to herself and in a few years you'll all be laughing about it. Noone knows. Life is risky.

Show quote history

This is quite presumptive.

The responses have been mixed throughout.
So clearly the grey area you refer to.
And you can see in my replies I’ve leaned much more towards, NOT going for it.
Where have I suggested any thing about hoping she might come around?

Did you read my replies before posting?
All my replies, including that one: Ive said I won’t risk my friendship.
My replies are consistent that I won’t risk my friendship.
The only thing I have said is that I won’t close it off completely.
If after 6 months, when my friend will definitely have moved on, I might consider it then.

OP posts:
Ineffable23 · 29/05/2024 15:25

I think you need an explicit conversation about how to deal with the fact that you're both fishing in the same pond and you need an arrangement that works for you both.

If someone is going out with someone new every other week you can't possibly exclude everyone they've ever dated, especially if they're someone who falls hopelessly for 25% of people they date.

Friendships are important, yes, but this has to be realistic and given what you've described, avoiding even the people she has fallen for will be pretty hard work.

Original poster
Bertiebellender · 29/05/2024 15:20

MILTOBE · 29/05/2024 13:24

But this is ridiculous. She can't have a monopoly on all of the men in your local area! You are interested in just one of them. You're not following her around trying to get off with anyone she's involved with.

She was chatting to this guy and sexting him. When it came down to it, he didn't want to date her. Does she think he shouldn't date anyone again? Does she think you should avoid anyone she's shown the slightest interest in?

Fgs just talk to her and point out that she has dated so many people that it's inevitably you'll like at least one of them.

Not at all.
It’s a very specific situation where she bonded very deeply and quickly with someone.
I can understand why she would be hurt by this.

I just wanted other perspectives to see if I was overthinking. If others would feel the same as I suspect Amy will.
The relies have been quite mixed so that suggests many do understand why Amy would be hurt in this situation.

But yes, I’m agreeing a conversation is needed. As there’s a small risk that I could like someone she’s dated in the future.
She’s not an unreasonable person so I think it would be a sensible discussion to outline our thoughts and boundaries on how that might play out hypothetically.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 29/05/2024 15:19

Ask her how she feels first. Always mates before dates in my book if she is fine with it great. If not is it worth losing a friend over?

EcoChica1980 · 29/05/2024 15:19

A good friendship will get passed this. They weren't actually an item. Go for it.

ll345 · 29/05/2024 15:18

Bertiebellender · 29/05/2024 15:12

The messages here seem to have become
a bit more emotionally charged now.

For those saying don’t ask us, talk to her:

Im in the situation, biased and looking at things from my own perspective but wanting to see things from my friends perspective.
its a sensitive situation. I wanted to hear some objective perspectives on the matter.

If you read my replies you’ll also see that I agree a general discussion is required.
However I won’t discuss this specifically as cause unnecessary pain.

For those saying I’m
being judgemental towards my friend.
How have you comprehended that based on my OP and replies?
Or did you not read the replies, just assumed from the OP?

There are such a mixture of thoughts and replies. For and against.
However going through the replies has helped me to work through this in my head some more. Thank you for the thought provoking messages.
I still stand by my original thought, that it will be too hurtful and risky to our friendship.
But I won’t close myself off from future possibilities when I know my friend has moved on.

OP, I read all your messages and didn't think you were critical or judgemental of Amy at all :) It does sound like you are being quite critical of yourself though, and does sound a little like you are in fear of what Amy's reaction may be. You are entitled to find happiness in relationships too! :) :)

EternalDreamer · 29/05/2024 15:16

I haven't read everyone's responses so someone may already have said this but FFS just ask her? Rather than assuming you know how she'll respond.

'hi Amy - I met this guy, we hit it off, he's asked me on a date and I would like to explore it but want to be sensitive to you about it. Is this something you'd be ok with?'

Then - and only then - you'll know either way.

Original poster
Bertiebellender · 29/05/2024 15:14

VJBR · 29/05/2024 13:40

You sound critical and judgemental about Amy. Sounds like you are trying to justify why you should date this man who actually sounds a bit of a player and that he led your friend on.

How have you come to that conclusion?
Did you read my replies that provided context?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bertiebellender · 29/05/2024 15:12

The messages here seem to have become
a bit more emotionally charged now.

For those saying don’t ask us, talk to her:

Im in the situation, biased and looking at things from my own perspective but wanting to see things from my friends perspective.
its a sensitive situation. I wanted to hear some objective perspectives on the matter.

If you read my replies you’ll also see that I agree a general discussion is required.
However I won’t discuss this specifically as cause unnecessary pain.

For those saying I’m
being judgemental towards my friend.
How have you comprehended that based on my OP and replies?
Or did you not read the replies, just assumed from the OP?

There are such a mixture of thoughts and replies. For and against.
However going through the replies has helped me to work through this in my head some more. Thank you for the thought provoking messages.
I still stand by my original thought, that it will be too hurtful and risky to our friendship.
But I won’t close myself off from future possibilities when I know my friend has moved on.

OP posts:
junerella · 29/05/2024 15:04

I wouldn't hesitate to go on a date with him in your situation. Unless she was married to him, I'm sure she'd agree that she doesn't have monopoly over any man she's previously had a conversation with (and will likely never be with herself).

If I was Amy, it wouldn't bother me. But I'm quite clear in my feelings that when something has ended, that is that.

I'd just mention it to her, you've got nothing to lose by saying he's asked you out.

DoreenonTill8 · 29/05/2024 15:02

Frogandfish · 29/05/2024 11:39

She's hurt BECAUSE nothing became of it. What's difficult to understand about that?

Of course OP can do that what she likes but don't you consider your friends' feelings when they might be affected by your actions?

OP why not test the waters by first asking how things are with her new guy? If she's smitten it might be a good sign she's moved on without asking first thing if you want a stepping stone

Show quote history

Wait, Amy is already dating someone else? But you can't speak to the guy she previously texted but didn't date because she's still smitten with him?

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/05/2024 14:10

Instead of thinking what kind of friend you would be to her if you dated this man, think about what kind of friend she would be if she created a drama over it. It's just ridiculous, can't you see that? You seem to think she bagged him first along with every other man in the area and that you need her approval before you even go on one date with him.

They never dated! He didn't want to go out with her.