Not sure that I like my own mother

I’ve been retired 5 years. My political opinions and world views are much the same - left of centre - as they’ve always been.

Sorry I've killed the thread

My mother has always been like this. She's obsessed with what people think and what they're doing. When we were young she was obsessed with what we looked like. Everything was 'naughty' it made me cringe. She hated being a mum but think she was marvellous. Now we're older she wants to be all matey but the conversation is stilted and awkward.

You are right to be concerned, we do not want to raise our children with those values, all humans are equal.
what would happen if you tell her to keep her opinions to herself and not air it in front of your kids because you do not want to raise children who will become bigots and racists?
if she gets offended, you can remind her that she’s offensive to others so if you want to dish it out you can be corrected and get offended yourself too.
she clearly won’t change now but it doesn’t mean that you expose your children to that. Maybe clear consequences of you not allowing much access or publicly correcting her in front of your own child might be enough to deter her or keep her opinions to herself.

My mums started to say some odd things lately after a life of working closely with families in need etc and seeing poverty up close and always being incredibly curious and respectful of other cultures. She has always been very logic and fact driven but she has no backup for these new things she says which is why I'm a bit concerned there's something wrong. It's not what she thinks, it's the fact she seems to no longer be able to fact check from different sources, no longer checks the data herself, is slowly losing her staunch compassion to those birthed into different circumstances - it's worrying me a lot, to be honest, im worried is there a neuro issue going on. She's early sixties too.

My DF is an abhorrent racist with a filter that has reduced with time.

I simply ignore him or change the topic as required. However when DS was young I made it clear I wouldn't tolerate the use of any non acceptable words around him and I think he abided by that.

Well she is entitled to her opinions, and to be fair, I know people 20-30 years younger than her with similar views. Not liking non-white people and gay people is not an 'age' thing.

That would be all well and good, if the opinions didn't belong to the OP's mother, she isn't some stranger ranting in a cafe. It's sad when people change, and relationships breakdown. The OP isn't unreasonable to not want to spend time with her DM if she's turned nasty, and she's allowed to not be indifferent to that.

Even as I child, if my DM got a bee in her bonnet, we'd all know about it. She's 83 now. Over the years she's lost all her friends due to the fact if they don't see if her way, they're wrong, neighbours shy away. She's fallen out with us, her sister numerous times. We can't get a word in edge ways, it's all about what she thinks and if very hard to discuss rights and wrong. To be honest if it wasn't for the fact she is my DM and family, I'd avoid her.

I agree with this. My Mum lives on Twitter. She has 15,000 followers and gone from being a fairly moderate socialist to a raging, radical far-left conspiracy theorist over the past few years. She’s 75, and I wonder if she’s got dementia. I do love her, but she’s a nasty old woman who doesn’t care who she hurts with her soap-box political rantings. As an example, we had a Ukrainian family staying with us and she told the 8 year old little girl (who is extremely traumatised after their home was bombed by rockets) that Putin isn’t that bad, and it’s all the western leaders who are really the “bad men”.

her life, her choices, nothing to do with you.

This is so weirdly naive. We all live in the same country. The views OP’s mum is expressing are political views that will affect who she votes for and who wins and that will affect OP and you too. You can like OP’s mum’s views or not, but it’s total nonsense to say ‘nothing to do with you’ (not to mention the fact that she’s, you know, her mum).

"Feeling you have the right to police someone else's thoughts and feelings because you deem yours to be better is offensive"

To quote your own point.... so fucking what?

Tell her she is lucky to have these opinions freely, thanks to the suffragettes..then walk away

I couldn't agree more.

The opinions of the OP’s mother are everything to do with her if it causes them to be estranged and means she’s not comfortable with her DC being around her DM. It is not just some opinions she overheard in the street.

OP sorry this is tricky - is she isolated or does she have a group of friends that think the same way? So she’s found an echo chamber?

I’d keep reminding her that lots of people don’t think that way and some of her views lack empathy. How old are your DC? Will their opinions and experiences be influencing her world soon?

"(although we will say something if her views are offensive)."

Again with this "I have the right to not be offended" crap.

As Stephen Fry said in reply to "I am offended by that" ........ "so fucking what?"

Feeling you have the right to police someone else's thoughts and feelings because you deem yours to be better is offensive. Leave the woman be, her life, her choices, nothing to do with you.

I don’t agree that opinions are harmless, and we should just ignore, they don’t affect the relationship etc. A persons opinions and how they express them are a key part of their personality. When spouting those opinions fill 90% of the time you spend with someone, and they’re generally negative, and the rest of the time they’re gossiping about others, eventually it’s natural to come to the conclusion that they’re just not a very nice person. It’s unfortunate if someone turns nasty as they get older, just when they need to rely on family more. That family might be unwilling to offer that help if they’re really unpleasant to be around.

Sorry, didn't mean to be a patronising twat. Should perhaps say 'some' older people.

My point is just that we do a lot of handwringing about young people and the internet, and pay less attention to the fact that its addictive/destructive properties affect older people too. And in my elderly FIL's case, it's definitely getting worse with age, he seems less able to disengage or put what he reads online into perspective. Lots of news sites now have a business model that relies on rage clicks, but he thinks of them, and trusts them, as if they were still the print newspapers of yore.

Mine is a Daily Mail reader and believes it all. She calls gay women ’lezzers’. 🤦🏼‍♀️ She had the cheek to complain to me the other day that a family member told her off for being pissed on a family weekend (talks absolute shite when drunk, which is pretty much every night) in front of very young kids. Everyone else manages to have a social drink without being out of control.

You don’t have to like your family, it’s not the law. 🤷‍♀️

Join the club, I don’t like my mother, am tired of her digs etc.

I think she is bitter.

"older people are very ill-equipped to deal with it too"

Are we @tinymeteor ?

What age person should be supporting me in my use of the Internet?

The OP's mum is 65. Our generation may not be digital natives but we don't all believe that there are tiny men running around inside our phones.

FWIW, my mother also became angry and right-wing in her old age. Thus far, I've avoided both.

This. Why are people always trying to 'teach' others what to think. So long as she isn't hurting anyone, leave her to it.

No it isn’t, it actually shows a lack of critical thinking ability. Life happens, what you can afford one day may be entirely different five years down the line. With your thinking people earning minimum wage jobs cannot afford to have children, ever. A significant number of people on benefits are in work, a lot of them full time but their poor wages need to be topped up with benefits so that the shareholders can get their dividends.

We have the same with my MIL, and it's getting worse as she ages. She watches GB News, then spouts all sorts of nonsense (in our opinion) depending what they've been discussing on the channel that day. Some of her views are really quite extreme, and some are quite worrying (racist, homophobic etc)

We have to bite our lip and remember that these are just her opinions, even if to us they are extreme (although we will say something if her views are offensive).

She's also very fond of giving her opinion on matters that really don't concern her, and has fallen out with almost all her family over the years except us (perhaps because we're a bit more patient than others, and we are all she has left)

My DH often says that although he loves his mum, he really doesn't like her very much.