To think if one parent can't look after the DC, it's the other parents responsibility to do so?

That's interesting.
My DSDs mum stopped him seeing DSD and he had to go through the whole legal carry on to reinstate, and even then it was only EOW and half the holidays. I asked why he didn't take her to court for more and he said "don't need to, she needs the childcare, this is just the minimum" and do you know, he was absolutely right.
Now we have DSD every days she's not at school for whatever reason because her mum has developed quite serious complications of a lifelong medical condition. So weekends, in service days, sick days, snow days, holidays, all of it.
Because DSD is his daughter 24/7, not just EOW as legally agreed.
Are you saying that DH would have been quite right to tell his seriously ill ex to sort it out herself as the legal agreement was he'd see DSD in two weeks as legally agreed?
Or would he have been a monumental dickhead and a piss poor father?
Oh and he still pays the same maintenance as he did when it was EOW (and even then he "overpaid") as ex's capacity to work is now limited.
Would he have been right to stick rigidly to the legal minimum set?

If it is a court agreed contact time why do you think the mother would be expected to ignore that legal ruling and come to the rescue if there is an adult there capable of looking after the children

The contact time is agreed between the parents. No court is going to oblige a step parent to have them when they can't even oblige an actual parent to show up.
OP isn't currently capable of looking after the children in any case. Are you missing the fact that she has her own small kids, work and seriously ill husband to contend with?

I suspect very few.

A fair number of fathers are quite happy to do this though.

Their mother would be penalized for not taking care of her kids. Her parental responsibility doesn’t cease to be because it’s the father’s custodial time. Like I said, the first person social services would call would be their mother, because they’re her responsibility. Edited

It’s interesting to consider how things would pan out, in an emergency, if Social Services did get involved. So obviously the first person they would call would be the children’s mother, I do wonder how many mothers would actually say “I’m not taking them, they’re due to be with their Dad til Tuesday (or whenever)” and watch their children be fostered, just to make a point?

It's more complex than that. Many separated parents utilise the time spent without children working. Three don't necessarily have childcare arrangements in place so dealing with this kind of situation can be difficult. And I agree, I would rather the children be with me but each parent needs emergency plans in place. The world does not stop for a sick ex, unfortunately.Bills still need paying.

But the OP has explained that they have the children extra when the ex needs them to,

Also, as I've said, there have been times where he has done this. For example, she suffered a sudden and sad loss last year and said she felt unable to have the children at the time. There was no question that they'd come to my husband, their dad, whilst their mum dealt with that. Maybe he should have said don't be silly, it's not my time, get a babysitter?

So OP and her DH clearly support the ex and the children when it is needed, why shouldn't they be able to ask for the same support? Arguably, the ex could have looked after her own children then, which there is no way OP's DH can do from a hospital bed. Especially given how ill you need to be to get a hospital bed at the current time!

Parental responsibilities are shared though, I also have 50/50 with my ex and on his days I go to work at 6:30 and work long days. I’d have to take unpaid leave. It’s all very well telling people to step up but the reality is they could lose jobs or be unable to pay bills. So many people are just scraping by.

The majority of people in long term jobs recieve sick pay, for me that is my normal wage. If contact has changed, CM should be paid. Do you think the OP says 'I know you recieve your full wage, but you're ill, you use your wage to treat yourself to something nice and I'll pay for everything'.

theres a difference between what you want to be true, and what is true.

Even if the children are with their father, if he becomes incapacitated and is thus unable to provide or arrange care for them, then the responsibility to do so falls upon the other parent. Unless she too is incapacitated it doesn’t matter what else she’s doing - working, going on holiday, etc. It’s on her. It’s not on his wife, and it’s not on the rest of his family. They don’t have parental responsibility for her children - she does.

No one is ‘threatening’ with social services - that is who would have to be contacted if they had no one else to look after them. They would call their mother and she would be expected to have them. If she refused then they’d have to go into emergency foster care, and she would have to deal with that.

As it stands, the mother does in fact have them though.

“no doubt you’ll be holding your hand out for that too”

This speaks volumes about your attitude. Child maintenance is about supporting the children. If dad doesn’t have them half the time, he has to provide maintenance to help pay for their needs. Obviously.

You have to put the kids best interests first.

If the dad choose to have those kids then he is responsible for them too come rain or shine. When it's easy and when it's hard. Let's say a mum loses her job or can't work for whatever reason is she suddenly not expected to look after her children? No whatever she does get she need to make it work and provide for her children's needs. Often dads fight for 50:50 because they don't want to pay child maintenance but low and behold when it comes down to it they can't actually do 50:50 and need to find some one else usually a woman to help them. When I have my kids they are my full responsibility whether I am ill or stressed or tired or busy. Whatever is going on I can't pass them back because it's not convenient right now. Sorry. So in the same vein dads have to man up and take on the full load of looking after the children when it is their contact time. These stepmums blaming the mother should really be speaking to their partner. Ask him why he is relying on you to look after his kids and why he hasn't arranged for childcare when he is unable to look after his own kids. But oh no its much easier to demonise their biological mum instead for having boundaries when it's the dads contact time.

If you have a long term illness that leaves you incapacitated then you need to renegotiate the contact times so if you can't do 50:50 fine but then you need to pay more for child maintenance as you can't put in equal amount of work and time

how does this work? If someone is incapacitated, to the point they can’t look after dc, where are they getting the money for extra CM?

are you expecting them to get up from their sick bed and start doing overtime to fund it? Because chances are they’ll be on sick pay- no doubt you’ll be holding your hand out for that too.

entitled much. They’re your kids too. If their other parent suffers a life event which means they can’t work or parent as much as they want, it’s on you to step up. Not be looking around for other people to dump your parental responsibilities on to.

Didn’t bother reading your wall of text (paragraphs are important) - but yes, as a mum I am always ready to step in and be there for my child.

This happened to me. My ex - father of our two kids has been seriously ill in hospital. We share childcare 50:50 And while he’s ill I do 100 per cent of the childcare. He doesn’t have a partner but even if he did, I would still want to do it, as I’m their mum and I want them with me during a very worrying time for them. If the situation was reversed, I’d hope my ex, rather than my partner, would look after them for the same reason.

It's actually amusing some of these posts. Do you think the biological mums have nothing to do other than be on standby in case their kids biological dad is incapacitated or unable to look after the kids? If he fought for 50% then he needs to be available for 50% of the time or sort something out when he is not available. Similarly if you see your kids every other weekend you are responsible for them on those 2 days and that means you can't fall back on their mum just because it's inconvenient for you. I think you have to respect both parents time in this situation. They are not together and often the contact times have been agreed upon with a lot of thought and care (sometimes with a lot of conflict and argument too). For you then to infringe on the other parents time because your partner is unwilling to help you with your duty to look after your children is not the problem of the mother. If you have a long term illness that leaves you incapacitated then you need to renegotiate the contact times so if you can't do 50:50 fine but then you need to pay more for child maintenance as you can't put in equal amount of work and time.

It's also interesting how alot of the women who have posted in the same situation as the OP would rely on their OH to help out in this type of situation not immediately ring for the dad. But the difference is women when they look for a partner look for men who will accept their children as their own and will try to be a positive influence in their life whilst men on the otherhand have their own criteria which has very little to do with their children.

Anyway I think it depends on the situation and the relationship with your ex. If it's reciprocal that you both can be called upon last minute to look after the dc when it's the other parents time then you probably would be okay to step in in an emergency. However if like a lot of single mums (myself included) you absolutely cannot call on your ex in an emergency and instead have to rely on your family and friends then absolutely you should not be expected to be the emergency childcare. If my kids are ill, 100% I would be cancelling the contact time or picking them up from their dads but if my ex is ill, that is none of my business. Just like the mum would have to call upon her network to help with childcare the dad must also develop his own network for emergency childcare that does not include the mother when it is his time with them.

Often times I don't even have a say because if my kid's dad is ill he won't even collect the children and tells me last minute.com that he can't have them. Contrast this to me having to leave my kids at my parents until midnight when I was in A&E with a serious illness and having to stay over with family for 2/3 weeks after having surgery as I couldn't look after my children on my own. It wouldn't even cross my mind to call on their dad. What this thread just proves is that dad's can clock off and be irresponsible (not having a back up for childcare when the children are with them) but mums must always be on the clock and cant make plans/have their own life. Let me ask you what if the mum had planned to be away that week would you expect her to cancel her holiday and come back to look after the kids? Also those threatening the mums with social services actually if you are the stepparent most likely if children were not being cared for adequately in your home whilst it was the dads contact time they would be popping round to have a look at what is going on at yours especially if you have children of your own. If it is a court agreed contact time why do you think the mother would be expected to ignore that legal ruling and come to the rescue if there is an adult there capable of looking after the children.

From @looop114 posts it reads as if mum has the children so she is doing all the things she needs to be doing.

Completely agree OP

This thread is bizarre. As a single parent myself I have my mum and friends to call on but the responsibility for the children falls on myself and their dad primarily. If anyone else is able to help then that's great but it shouldn't be expected. The vast majority of my friends are busy with their own families, including very young children and jobs, and can't take time off work for a child that isn't theirs. If I ended up in hospital or if one of the children did I would absolutely expect their own father to step up and look after the children/child. If I was incapacitated then social services would seek to get in touch with their dad surely?

As for the thought pattern that "X parent is responsible for the children on their time only" so because my ex only has the children EOW he has no responsibility to them the rest of the time?

The irony is that it's partly because my ex won't have them more than EOW that I don't have a partner who I could ask, because I don't exactly have much time to meet one!

To answer the question in your thread title, YANBU. If one parent can't parent, the other should step up.

However, lots of parents clearly don't feel the same. As evidenced by the number of children who end up in care/being cared for by other relatives when mothers are jailed, rather than in the care of their fathers. The figures on this are shocking.

Send them back to her! Now is not the time. You are not their pare! Lazy cow.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 ridiculous

I agree with you op that the mum is being unreasonable. If their dad is in hospital then of course she should take care of her own children! I think MN would frown upon a bloke that wouldn't (and there's a fair few of them around).

I honestly can't imagine expecting someone else to look after DS rather than me.

You are correct in your position.
You need to draw on your family and friends to support you through this.

I could well imagine they would be asking where the mother of your step children was, should you be unreasonable enough to ask for your family and friends to also care for them.
Your focus and responsibility is your two children. If your husband's ex is used to imposing on you, then you need to stiffen your resolve. You have your job and the sole care of your children to focus on.
Mind yourself.

It’s not up to his ‘new spouse’ to sort it out.

Their mother would be penalized for not taking care of her kids. Her parental responsibility doesn’t cease to be because it’s the father’s custodial time. Like I said, the first person social services would call would be their mother, because they’re her responsibility.