To think if one parent can't look after the DC, it's the other parents responsibility to do so?

Double standards are alive and well when it comes to stepparenting

@looop114 could your husband’s family visit and take care of the children? I know you said they’re not close by but if they don’t mind travelling and have time they could help in the same your family are.

I think we will just have to agree to disagree. Your attitude seems like that of parents who are not separated. If you are separated one of the hardest things to accept is loss of control when your kids are not with you. So for example when the kids are at their dad's I cannot dictate what they eat, what time they sleep, what they can do and who they spend time with etc. If you are unable to accept that then you will find yourself in court a lot to be able to enforce your will on the other parent. It requires compromise and an acceptance that you can't have things your way with the kids 100% of the time.

To expect the mother to give up control but yet still be on duty at all times just in case is unreasonable. It expects that the mother does not have her own life and is instead on standby because how dare she make plans that cause her to be unavailable for childcare. She needs to be available 100% of the time. Do you see what I mean about feeling entitled to the mothers time. I'm sorry but if she is working or if she has made plans that she can't cancel for whatever reason it is the father and stepmother job to sort out something else. We are not part of your emergency childcare network. Whether you agree or not. If you are too proud to ask other people who should be part pr your network and would rather call social services instead is a reflection of how little concern you have for the wellbeing of those children. In that case are you even fit to be a stepparent or parent of the child?

At the same time can the mother have the same level of demand of the father. Should he be available 100% of the time in case he is needed by her for childcare. So he has to take time off work, cancel trips or engagements if she is unavailable because it is his parental responsibility too. I'm sure alot of people would not like the sound of that. That there carefully made plans can be disrupted at the drop of a hat to accommodate the needs of their partners ex. Especially if we are going to say extended family should not be relied on then that is going to put alot of pressure on both parents to make sure they are always available when needed in case of emergency. Will you demand that of the fathers to the same level you are insisting on the mothers? I doubt it some how. Society is always harsher on mothers.

Are you aware that they’re your husband’s children? I’m not saying you should have to care for them. I’m saying your attitude towards your husband’s children is strange.

I really have to wonder what some of you were thinking would happen when you married a man with young children. No, you don’t have “parental responsibility” and if you don’t want to care for them when their father is ill, that’s your prerogative. However the general attitude coming off some of these posts from stepmothers is vile.

Well said @looop114 . Hope your DH is ok and on the mend.

I’m sure most mothers would rather not have their children stay with a woman who gives absolutely zero shits about them and who goes to great lengths to make it clear they are nothing to do with her anyway.

@Chillpill22

50/50 doesn't mean you stop being a parent 50% of the time. You are still a parent 100% no matter where your children are or who they are with. If their dad is in hospital, they are still their mother's responsibility. She doesn't stop being their parent just because this is supposed to be their time with their dad.

That would be up to the individual in question. Yes, in the event the mother died a stepparent could absolutely maintain that they have no responsibility, and would absolutely be free to leave (as indeed anyone is free to leave a relationship for any reason).

It’s unethical to you - okay, so don’t do it then 🤷🏻‍♀️ it being unacceptable to you isn’t going to impact anyone else, given that your acceptance and approval isn’t required.

Parental responsibility is only on the parents.

No matter how busy the mother is, she’s still their mother and thus the one responsible for them. The stepmother isn’t. It may be your opinion that she should be, but that doesn’t mean that she in fact is. ‘Stepparent’ is merely a title, and being one doesn’t make someone legally responsible for the children of their spouse. Any problems that having to assume responsibility for her children may cause her, are her problems to deal with. Not OP’s.

Similarly, the father’s family have no obligation to provide childcare either.

It's also naive to think that marrying a man with children would or should not have an impact on your life. Marry a single guy with no kids then if you don't want to be involved in looking after other people's children. It's actually unethical to me to marry a man with children and have the attitude that it should have no bearing on your life. What if their mum died, what then? Would you still insist you have no responsibility? Would you leave your partner because now you have to do more for his children then you initially anticipated?

Of course every situation is different. There are multiple factors to consider. It depends on the severity of the dads illness and how long they were in hospital for. Also whether it was sudden or was talked about in advance. If the dad truly has no one other than the partner (so no other extended family like grandparents, brothers and sisters etc). Also whether you trust the stepparent enough to leave your child in their sole care. Also it depends on whether the biological mother is even available.

If you are a full time working single parent you are incredibly time poor. Consequently your free time is likely to be very organised and booked up in advance. I often work or go away when my children are at their dad's. I have lost money in the past because I have planned something knowing the schedule in advance only to be told the night before sorry can't have the kids because of x,y,z. I should not be cancelling prior engagements to rush back for an emergency at their dad's that is not to do with my children. In that situation I would expect his family (he has his siblings, mum, extended family living in the same city) to be his resort. But alot of men like my children's father will not ask their family in an emergency because they would regard that as owing them a favour which they feel uncomfortable with. Im assuming that stepparents may also feel like they cant ask their partners extended family because of how it may make them look. However they don't see that they are infringing on their children's mums free time by relying on her in an emergency.

The thing that is annoying me is the sense of entitlement to the mothers time that the dad and stepparent would be displaying in this scenario. If you are not together you can not rely on the mother of your children to be your emergency childcare, personal assistant etc. Thats the job of the dads current partner.

Parental responsibility is ultimately on the parents, but when you are separated you have very clear boundaries that need to be agreed on. If they need to be renegotiated due to long term illness then of course that can happen but it needs to be agreed. For example if I was seriously ill long term I would definitely be expecting the biological dad not my family to have the kids. Then in that situation I would probably agree to stop child maintenance as the kids are not in my care and would also contribute financially so their needs are met. The same is for the reverse. If it's not 50:50 in actuality for an extended period of time then you need to be paying more in child maintenance because now mum has additional costs and losses due to having the children more than what was initially agreed. I hope that makes sense.

Even if the children are with their father, if he becomes incapacitated and is thus unable to provide or arrange care for them, then the responsibility to do so falls upon the other parent
Exactly. This is what it means to be a parent, you don’t stop being responsible just because it is the other parent’s time.
A step parent can choose to help but they are under no obligation (moral or legal) to do so.

I’ve posted this before, but I always used to think separated parents argue because they both want more time with the children, but in reality it’s quite the opposite, both parties often want as much child free time as possible. It’s very sad.

it’s court agreed contact time for the parent. If that parent is incapacitated and can’t be responsible for dc then that legal ruling is broken. It does not filter to the next available adult.

@toomanytonotice i agree. It amazes me how many people think the step parent (where there is one) actually has more responsibility/accountability than the mother under these circumstances

@DearestGentleReader sounds like you're married to a decent guy - I wish my ex was more generous like him!

If it is a court agreed contact time why do you think the mother would be expected to ignore that legal ruling and come to the rescue if there is an adult there capable of looking after the children

it’s court agreed contact time for the parent. If that parent is incapacitated and can’t be responsible for dc then that legal ruling is broken. It does not filter to the next available adult.

if the person with PR cannot be responsible, then that legal responsibility lies with the other parent with PR.

a parent is not absolved from all legal responsibility for a child because they are with the other parent.

you are both the legal parents. It is not up to anyone else to “come to the rescue”. They are your children.

if your ex died would you still expect the step parent to be keeping to the “legal ruling” for contact time? Why not? Same logic, if the parent can’t be responsible it’s any other adult there capable of looking after the children.

If it is a court agreed contact time why do you think the mother would be expected to ignore that legal ruling and come to the rescue if there is an adult there capable of looking after the children

Because when someone's unconscious in A&E etc, legal rulings may be subject to a bit of flex - and the mother is still the mother, irrespective of whether a step parent is in existence or not.