To think if one parent can't look after the DC, it's the other parents responsibility to do so?

Fortunately we live in a country where you can't be fired for going into hospital or for having to take emergency leave to sort out childcare.

So, when dad loses his job because he is in the hospital and mom loses her job because she had to call in to work suddenly with not even a hospital note to back her up-then what is the family to do? I am sorry, but maybe in this case this mother is being a POS. but most of the time, if you marry someone and they get sick, you take on their responsibilities until they are better. And that could include their time with the children. One would hope that the mother would be able to step up and take some of the time, but beyond the OP saying she is a POS, we really don't know the reasons why and the OP probably doesn't either.
but, in the majority of cases, I would say that the part of the vows that say for better or for worse also include helping your spouse with their children if they need that help.
The problem here is that this father has the mom and the stepmom going at each other when it is his responsibility to have taken care of this. He didn't just suddenly end up in the hospital. He was sick and then got worse. Why didn't he arrange something then? And don't give me the whole, "you can't take care of X while sick" Women do it every day.
The father is the problem here. Maybe the mother is, we can't really know. We don't know what happened in their marriage. If it is like most, he did fuck all with the kids during the marriage and then demanded half custody during the divorce. And that is what he has.
He then chose to marry someone even though they don't want to take care of his kids when he has an emergency. And now both of them are expecting mom to drop everything in her life to take care of the emergency in their life.
And maybe this mother is a POS who doesn't take care of her kids. Or maybe she is tired of his not knowing how to manage being a parent and still depending on her. OP says mother constantly uses them. Maybe she does. Maybe in this particular case, this mother received emergency help and should now reciprocate.
None of us can really know. All of us would probably go and get our kids.
But, as the saying goes, paraphrased. His lack of planning does not constitute an emergency for her. both hers.
Yet again we have a classic case of a man pitting two women against each other.

That's exactly what I'd be expected to do if I was ill in hospital. Luckily id have my family to call on but my ex wouldn't do it, his life and work is far more important. I know many women who would also be expected to sort out childcare if they are ill, their husbands/exes/partners wouldn't help.

Now, I'm not saying that's the right way to be and I would expect a decent parent to want to keep their child with them but why do we expect the mums to just suck it up and not have the same expectations for men.

are Paid babysitters that you trust, are dbs checked etc, and available short notice easy to find?

if I were in hospital I would not want a stranger I haven’t met or had chance to check references etc watching my kids. I wouldn’t have the first clue how to find one either. You’d expect someone seriously ill to be googling babysitters? Find someone on Facebook?

i am sure most children’s mothers don’t want some random looking after their kids either.

They have a mother and it's not you, she absolutely should be caring for her own children (without any complaint) on all and any occasion their father is genuinely incapable of doing so.

I sort of agree, but there is also this thing called paid childcare. There are many situations where parents are 'genuinely incapable' of caring for their kids because they are working or otherwise busy, and what they do in these cases is pay for childcare. The fact that the dad is in hospital doesn't stop him paying for a babysitter if the mum has plans or commitments she can't cancel.

My child’s father isn’t involved and doesn’t see her but I feel that I would keep my DCs at home in this situation.

Unless it would really put me out or this happens on a regular basis, then I wouldn’t think twice about it.

If he was just a bit run down or had a broken wrist or something that wouldn’t stop him from being a parent.

Surely that is a positive thing about having 2 involved parents, that you can help each other out like that.

I assume DH has done it/would do it for the ex too?

I'll admit I haven't read the whole thread, but I can't believe people actually believe you should be caring for your stepchildren half the time when their father is in hospital!

They have a mother and it's not you, she absolutely should be caring for her own children (without any complaint) on all and any occasion their father is genuinely incapable of doing so.

It's not like you husband has gone on a lads holiday.
I hope he's feeling better soon.

Quick, you better let all the men know this as in my experience they have no such expectations.

Some of these responses are just unbelievable. If you share custody of your child with your ex, for example 50 /50, you are still 100% your child's parent. If for whatever reason, you ex is not available for his 50, you child is not suddenly parentless. You are still 100% the child parents and are the default parent in that situation.
I'm not sure how this has become a " poor single mother is always on standby and responsible 100% of the time" situation. Surely that is just being a parent. When you are a parent, you are responsible 100% of the time. You don't stop being a parent because you child is with their father or is scheduled to be with their father.

@Chillpill22 It's shit, but that's just life. You're also perfectly entitled to leave your kids with their father and refuse to take them back. No one can actually make you parent your children. They can't make him parent them either. But the children would have to go into care then if neither parent would take them. That's why most mothers wouldn't do that. They accept that they are responsible for their children, no matter what the other parent does.

If its reciprocated looop then I can understand why it would upset you. But then next time when it's her imposing on you then you can remind her that she was unwilling to help in a similar situation and that she should perhaps pay for childcare or ask her family for help like you have had to.

I already mentioned in my earlier post that it depends on the circumstances. If your husband really had no one else to rely on then obviously it is different as very few mothers I'm sure would allow her kids to go in to care in that situation. But it's that reflex of passing the kids back to mum when ever the slightest inconvenience occurs which makes it seem like she is the one who is actually responsible for them and dad is just baby sitting. Anyway I don't want to hijack your thread. I hope it all works out for you and your husband feels better soon.

That just smacks of "I chose to have kids with an arsehole therefore I'm not going to read or take in a word OP has said - her DH must be an arsehole too"

Personally I wouldn't leave my kids with the stepparent if their dad was in hospital but that is because I don't trust the level of care would be adequate if he is not around. But saying that I have had battles with ex where I have been told that he will leave them in her sole care if he needs to and it's none of my business. This is after my kids have been injured twice when left in their stepmums care (not because of her directly but due to negligence). So even though it makes me deeply uncomfortable I have no ability to restrict his ability to leave the kids with his own wife when it suits him.

However I do get contact times cancelled last minute.com because of colds and flus which I think is an imposition on my time and would not be reciprocated. I had my kids with me when I had covid. I can't switch off or leave them with him because I'm ill. However, knowing that I can't call on him in emergencies unless it's an extreme situation I have cultivated a network of people who can help me look after my kids in emergencies and even then sometimes that falls through and I have to take a hit where I have to pay for childcare or take unpaid leave from work. Or where I have had to grovel for help when people are not as willing or had to owe people favours. But for me to take my own hits and yours as well. Fuck off.

Anyway we all have our own perspectives based on our upbringing, experiences and contexts that we will live in.

@HollyKnight makes a good point. If the dad passed away, the step mum would have zero rights on those kids. Zero contact from that day forward.
So step mums are not equal to mums. Fact. They are not the same and of course if you could look after them then fine but everyone seems to have missed the fact that OP husband is in HOSPITAL! He's really sick. She needs to care for him and their kids too. This is not a case of he's busy playing golf but an exceptional circumstance and so everyone needs to step up and into filling the gap.

That's what being a parent is! It is a permanent position. A permanent change. The split in contact time for the children doesn't change that you are still their parent 100% of the time. Contact time is for the children. It's not about giving you freedom or time off. It has nothing to do with the stepmother. She is not part of your network.

Everyone knows that there are no guarantees in life that the person you have children with will be around forever. He could die. He could run off with another woman. He could leave and say he's only going to see the children EOW. This knowledge isn't a secret. It's what you signed up for when you decided to have children.

In the absence of the other parent, you will always be responsible for your children.

But maybe there are some people who prefer a compartmentalised life like that where your partners relationships/obligations outside of your marriage have no room in your life together
This is a damned cheek considering it's you arguing for compartmentalised parenthood where you only need to bother with your own children on certain days.

Looop114 though I have the greatest sympathy for you the difference is that it is your husband not hers who is ill. That it should inconvenience your life is to be expected, he is your husband. For her exs illness to inconvenience her is another thing entirely. As another poster said you are his wife of course you are going to be relied upon by him for support whether that is with his work, his health, his family or his children. So yes it makes sense if your partner is in hospital that it would have an impact on your job more than it does on hers. If you tie yourself to another human being in marriage it is a natural expectation that it will increase the demands and responsibilities you have and it should be reciprocal. He should also be able to be relied on if you need help too.

To imagine your life continues as normal, when you now have in laws, stepkids and your partners friends to deal with would be illogical. If it made no difference to you (and I'm not speaking of you personally looop) then you wouldn't really be a good partner. But maybe there are some people who prefer a compartmentalised life like that where your partners relationships/obligations outside of your marriage have no room in your life together.

I didn't say ask your family to look after them I said could you ask your husbands family? However someone mentioned that they lived far away. How old are the children in question and how many of them are there? Could your partner pay for a childminder or babysitter to watch them as your working. Many single mums have to spend a considerable amount on childcare becuase no one is willing or available to watch their children for free. For this period whilst your partner is ill could you arrange that and then when they go back to their mum (which if its 50:50 I'm assuming will be soon) just don't collect them if your partner is in hospital and tell her their dad is incapacitated so they would be spending time with you not him. I think if people have advance notice then they can arrange alternatives as they know that their child will not be going to their dads at the agreed time but if they are already at their dads in his care then thats a different story. To be expected to drop everything you have going on in your life because your ex is ill and can't find someone to look after your kids is unreasonable. Pay for childcare, like the mum has to if your partner doesn't want to help you.

The thing that is annoying me is the sense of entitlement to the mothers time that the dad and stepparent would be displaying in this scenario. If you are not together you can not rely on the mother of your children to be your emergency childcare, personal assistant etc. Thats the job of the dads current partner

You've won the internet today with this. Do you really have so little self awareness?
Talk about entitlement and say that you, as a mother, would expect another woman to take the time of work and all the extra work and strain of looking after additional kids at an already stressful time because you are entitled to your child free time and she's more responsible for them than you are?? Incredible.
What a horrible attitude you have to your own children. Poor sods.
Personally, I knew what I was getting into when I gave birth. I'm permanently "on stand by" in case my kids need me in an emergency and will be until my last breath. And yes, sometimes my children have been a huge inconvenience and fucked up my plans but that's what I signed up for. It's called parenthood. My marital status has zero bearing on this principle.

What would you do if there was no stepmother?

if social services knocked on your door saying dad’s in hospital and there’s no one to have them.

refuse to have them because it’s an infringement on your time? you’re not part of his emergency childcare network?

aNd yes, I’d expect the dad to drop everything if mum were in hospital on her time.

it’s called parenting. Nothing to do with control over your children, it’s being there for them in an emergency.

@looop114 Sorry folks, I am with the OP! dad is in hosp so mum has to step up and cancel to look after her own children. the step mum has enough going on with her own children as well as running up and down to hospital to visit her husband. she must be run ragged by now. bio mum does not sound very caring but that is not the step mums fault. OP i hope your hubby is getting better and comes home soon.

No, it isn’t the stepmother’s job. That isn’t a matter of opinion, it’s a matter of fact. You wanting it to be her job doesn’t mean it is. It’s the job of their actual mother, the one responsible for them. You can stamp your feet as much as you like about it being unfair, that won’t change anything.

Extended family cannot be compelled to provide care either, no. They are just as free to refuse as the stepmother is.

I recall a poster on another thread saying that in the event that she had to go into hospital then her kids would have to go into emergency foster care because neither their father nor their families would take them. The same would apply here. It’s up to the mother if that’s something she’s willing to do and deal with the repercussions of (said repercussions weren’t an issue for the father in the above case, as he had no contact with his children).

It sounds like a nightmare for you, OP. Being worried about your husband, all the logistics of your husband being in hospital, your kids, work - that's a lot. Dealing with your step-children and their mum as well (which I assume your husband tends to do) is an additional thing. As this discussion (and the whole of mumsnet) shows, it's a really emotive issue. People have different expectations about family and step-parents/children, and usually those aren't discussed or communicated, and at crisis points like this the pressure can become too much. It sounds like you have family supporting you, and I hope you are managing to look after yourself. I really hope your husband gets well soon.

Navigating separated parenting is really really difficult. I think part of the issue is that step-parents have two roles. Firstly their relationship to their step-children - which can take many forms - different levels of involvement and responsibility, depending on all the people involved. Secondly, as your husband's partner and part of his support network. Again, the level of responsibility you take on would depend on the type of relationship you have, and what you've agreed.

So it may be that you don't have the kind of step-parenting role where you would take responsibility for caring for his children (I'd imagine if someone became a step parent to teenagers it would be very different to becoming a step parent to teenagers). However, as his wife, he might still ask you to help him with his children while he is in hospital. It wouldn't be because you're their stepmum, it's because you are his wife. Whether that's reasonable depends on your relationship with him, what you can manage, what other pressures you have.

What their mum should be doing is impossible to say. Some people manage separated parenting really well. But it's really hard to negotiate and hold boundaries because what seems obvious and reasonable to one person doesn't to the other. You can't know whether someone is doing their best and it's hard not to be suspicious that they are not. It's often a messy situation. I hope things get more settled for you soon.

Parental responsibility is onlyon the parents.

No matter how busy the mother is, she’s still their mother and thus the one responsible for them. The stepmother isn’t. It may be your opinion that she should be, but that doesn’t mean that she in fact is. ‘Stepparent’ is merely a title, and being one doesn’t make someone legally responsible for the children of their spouse. Any problems that having to assume responsibility for her children may cause her, are her problems to deal with. Not OP’s.

Similarly, the father’s family have no obligation to provide childcare either.

Totally agree @InterIgnis