To think if one parent can't look after the DC, it's the other parents responsibility to do so?

I think if separated parents have the sort of relationship where they are willing to step in for one another, that's great and probably better for the children, yes. But in reality there generally isn't that relationship, there is an agreed division of time, and each parent operates like a single parent during "their" days with the children. So if they can't care for the children, it's their responsibility to organise someone to do it. Obviously if one parent dies, custody reverts to the surviving parent, but that's not really relevant.

So many variables here to come up with one size fits all solution really. Whatever is in the best interest of the kids should be what happens. If they spend more time at step parents, or it’s closer to school, or there’s other reasons for them not to go to birth parent, I would expect them to stay with the step parent. That would also be the case if the step parent had a contagious illness that the kids could bring to birth parents house too.

I would also expect the birth parent to volunteer to take the kids in most cases though.

That's awful for the kids. They need to know the parents will be there when the other can't be. A parent is a parent 100% of the time.

I mean I agree to an extent with this.

But I genuinely can’t imagine, as a mum, preferring that my kids were being looked after by a step parent rather than me. I’d be looking to have them with me as much as I could. I hate the idea that they’d be away staying elsewhere on the regular.

I know a lot of separated parents really guard their free time away from the kids but I’ll be honest, I’ve never really understood that.

I had a work colleague who got a call from her daughters school because the child (8 or 9) was unwell and they couldn’t reach her dad. She could have gone to the school but she wouldn’t - “it’s not my day”. Dads new girlfriend ended up doing it.

Absolutely baffling to me.

Well I'm not separated so it's kind of theoretical for me.

But you don't know what other demands she has on her time or how easy or not it is for her to cancel other commitments she may have made in the reasonable expectation of not having to care for her children during their father's planned contact time.

She might be the children's mother but she's no longer in a family unit with your husband; you are.

I can see both sides, it's not clear cut.

But they are YOUR kids.

This is why i would never date a man with children

Your DH is in hospital, I think it's a bit weird that the ex expects you to look after their children in this situation.

The parent who is ill is responsible for making plans. However, the child shouldn’t be deprived of time with their unwell parent.

I think it depends TBH.

My ex would regularly cancel "his" days because he had a headache/cold/hangover. The fact I needed to be at work didn't cross his mind. If I was ill he expected me to get on with it.

AFAIC on "his" days he needed to arrange something. Of course that could mean asking me if I could keep the DC with me but not assuming.

I think the other parent should be the first port of call, but dont assume they can have the dc.

Yes if he is incapacitated then the default assumption should be they'd stay with mum. It's a difficult time for them too.

There are plenty of parents who work and they put their kids in childcare /send them to grandparents because it's their time not their ex's.

So I personally wouldn't be making any assumptions.

My DH has it written into his parenting agreement with the ex that the other parent is given "first refusal". In reality the distances involved means I or my ex's partner are a much more sensible option if we offer.

All sounds a bit petty

Surely adults work it out between them?

Surely you’d want to step in and do the caring so your partner (their parent) could still see the children, be around them, but not have to do anything they aren’t capable of. Otherwise… when would they see their kids?

I certainly would not.

I think if there is usually "mum's time" and "dad's time", then it's dad's responsibility to organise childcare on his time. If his new partner won't step in, then he needs to ask wider family or pay for childcare.

Surely you’d want to step in and do the caring so your partner (their parent) could still see the children, be around them, but not have to do anything they aren’t capable of. Otherwise… when would they see their kids?

You’re a family. You help each other. But it’s totally up to each unit, and how they want to handle it. Or how they are able to handle it. No right or wrong I think.

Are you the DH’s new partner, and the ex/their DM is assuming you should have the DC when your DH is (seriously) ill?

Cross-post. It’s for him and her to sort between them; it’s not for the ex to be telling you what to do.

I agree. Your partner is the problem though. If their ex expects this, it’s up to your partner to say no.

I think if there's a separation each parent is responsible for covering their time - e.g. childminder, friends, GPs, aunts, uncles, willing step parents.

That might include negotiating with the other parents about who cares for the children when one parent is ill. It also might not.

I'm presuming you're talking serious illness, so yes, the other parent should step up and in. It might be nice if (either) new spouse can support that (as in, yes I can do nursery pick up if you can't get out of a meeting or shift work) but I would expect sick person's spouse to be focusing on them, not the DC. In an ideal world, of course.

I'm not sure I agree.

Just trying to put myself in the shoes of a separated parent here. I would say that his contact time was his responsibility and if he couldn't care for our children on those days it shouldn't be up to me to find a solution.