To think if one parent can't look after the DC, it's the other parents responsibility to do so?

I know a lot of separated parents really guard their free time away from the kids but I’ll be honest, I’ve never really understood that.

@ILoveYouItsRuiningMyLife this is so true. DH’s ex guarded her child-free time so fiercely that common sense went out the window on occasions. Of course each parent has the right to their own time, but hospitalisation is not a ‘whim’.

No I don’t agree, both parents should be able to make their own childcare arrangements during their time for whatever reason. You shouldn’t assume the other parent can step in and it often gives the child time to spend with wider family members.

Right of first refusal causes more problems IMO especially in cases where there has been controlling behaviour in the past. I certainly don’t want to be telling my ex every move I make and if I have to work a few hours when I have the children, or have an appointment to attend etc. I make my own arrangements if I am not available.

You’d think so but some people don’t care, I came straight home from emergency surgery to look after my kids, they were with my brother at the time and he was on army leave and had to go back but their dad could’ve had them but didn’t, I remember leaning on the stove crying because I was in so much pain

The problem is that I bet the mum already takes more time off for the children anyway. As a single mum you always end up taking more time off. I'm on her side here. It's sad that your DH is ill but ultimately her schedule is her schedule. Does your DH rush over when she is sick?

I don’t think there is a hard and fast rule here. Technically it’s up to the ill parent to arrange alternatives but would expect the other parent to have a vested interest in what’s best for their children. If the other parent has work/commitments they can’t necessarily drop everything. Equally the partner may be in the same boat and also caring for/visiting partner. Ideally there would be some flexibility on both sides to muddle through until things get back to normal.

Each situation is different. If one parent in in hospital and completely incapacitated then the family as a whole need to decide how to manage childcare and bring in help. This would be the same if parents were together or separated. The fact is, in this situation there is a third capable adult in the mix and while the responsibility lies with mum any other adults or family members should try and help where they can.

If their mum was ill in hospital would you be happy if their dad took 3 weeks off work and looked after the DC 24/7 without trying to find other help and support?

Poor kids. They must be so worried about their dad and want their mum.

I'm with you OP. Mum should WANT to have them.

I agree with the first paragraph but not the second.

I’m a step mother but still married to my kids dad so no skin in the game from that perspective. I’ve read lots of threads on here where mum is incredibly unhappy that dad wants the childcare to default back to them in mum’s child free time so I wouldn’t assume the second bit.

I think this is the element that a lot of people are overlooking. I've helped after my DSC when my DH has been a bit ill. I've even voluntarily covered a day of the school holidays now and then for both mum and dad. But if dad was hospitalised they would WANT their mum.

Does your DH do 50/50 usually.
If not, why not?

Doesn't matter what mum has on. As a parent you sort it out you don't just shrug your shoulders and say not my problem.

Ultimately the parents are both responsible for their children at all times.

Although it may be correct according to the legal arrangements that OP (or another relative) must look after the DSC in DH’s parenting time if he is ill, I think in these particular circumstances the mother should step in as this will be a stressful and frightening time for them. If he’s very seriously ill the mother must step up and give them emotional support and it would most likely be better for them psychologically to be in their other home more removed from the stress.

In family court the judge asked my ex what his back up plan was in periods of illness- he was diagnosed with an illness after we divorced- and my ex said me (he has a long term partner). The judge said that although I could be asked my ex has a responsibility to pay for any childcare costs and also to reach out to family members

My child frequently spends a lot of time with her aunt on my exes contact time when he is fit and well as he goes on holiday, weekends away alot with his partner minus our child

I'm with you OP. My dcs are my responsibility and my ex's. If he can't cover his six hours a week, it's down to me.

His new woman does not come into the equation and I would never expect her to be responsible. She is not my dcs family.

But equally, she has no input, and her views in terms of parenting are irrelevant.

This situation is so sad, the children are bound to be upset that their Dad is ill in hospital and the adults are bickering about who should have them. What they really need is love and reassurance that their Dad’s going to be OK. 🙁

No, I don't if it will have a financial cost- it's the responsibility of that parent to find alternative options. Not all seperated parents can juts drop everything, same as current partners can't.

If his ex became unwell and couldn’t take care of the children would your DH take them outside his regular contact times if she was that unwell at home or ended up in hospital even if it meant it didn’t fit in with your children and usual routine? Or would you be expecting her wider family to step up and look after them?

@bridgetreilly So when one parent is ill in hospital, the other parent doesn’t step in? I wonder how that makes the children feel, knowing that they can’t rely on a parent in a crisis?

Both of my parents were hospitalized at various times during my childhood. It was scary and would’ve been worse knowing that the well parent wasn’t willing to look after me.

No. The assumption is that each parent will arrange necessary childcare during their hours. Depending on circumstances it may be appropriate to ask the other parent whether they are willing and able to cover, but not to assume they will. The sick parent might ask a grandparent, partner or friend to help out, as in any other childcare scenario.

This. And the sole reason the children are come round is to see their dad. Who is not there.

If the children have close step-sibling relationships then it might be nice but shouldn’t be expected of a woman whose partner is in hospital and is already carrying the extra load at home.

It’s the double standards here that would get to me. I would say calmly remember that time we looked after dc because you were sick? I assume you’ll be getting <boyfriend> to do that in future.

So your ex doesn’t matter?

he’s their dad. If you cannot care for them then he is their parent.

your new dh may find it “horribly undermining”, but what about your ex’s feelings when he’s left out of the decision regarding his kids care?

my brothers ex was like this and it broke his heart that some other man would be looking after his kids, and he wasn’t even asked. He hated that the OM was essentially living his life- his house, his wife, his kids, even his car.

i agree with o/p. If dad is incapacitated mum should have them. It would be the same if they were together- if one of them was seriously ill the other would have to rearrange work and other plans and see to the kids.

Yes she needs to look after her own children. Like you said, if it was men they wouldn't be pestering each other. I'd tell her to look after her own kids, then ignore her.