To think if one parent can't look after the DC, it's the other parents responsibility to do so?

Exactly. Some people on here are going on as if step-mothers have a legal responsibility to look after THEIR children. All this "You took on his children therefore step up". Absolute bullshit.

Step parent has clearly been in their life for some time as there are half siblings but is making it clear she doesn’t think of them as “hers”

Statements like this baffle me. My stepkids are no more mine that the kids next door are. Why on earth would I think they're mine? We get on great, we spend time together but they have 2 parents to look after them and quite frankly, I don't want responsibility for them to the same level that their parents have.

When parents break up it can be extremely hard on the kids. From then on any adult who gets involved needs to understand this is the centre point. Your attitude is transactional and shows how and why some children from divorced parents are devastated by the outcome

Omg. So many entitled exs on this thread. How dare you demand another woman look after your DC. How fucking dare you. I would never have dreamed of putting those expectations on my exs wife.

Shame on you. I can't believe anyone has no compassion for a woman whose husband is in hospital. To then defend a mother who thinks that the woman whose husband is in hospital should look after HER kids is just absolutely shocking.

You don't care that OP has her own kids, job(possibly), no other help. How have we got to a place in society that people think their own free time is above a sick man in hospital and even their own kids?

Yanbu

i wouldn’t send my child if their dad was in hospital. im guessing the mum had made plans and that’s why you’re being pressured
into still having them? Unfortunately when illness happens plans sometimes need to be cancelled and it’s not like your husband planned to be in hospital.
Hope he recovers soon.

OP, do not be bullied by her.
Your responsibility is to YOUR children.
Block her number if necessary.
You have enough going on.
Going forward stop engaging with her on any level.
She is nagging you because she thinks it will work.
Show her it won't.
I would oblidge and oblidging person, not a nagging user.

Some of you people are so rigid and cold. I honestly can't believe that you expect a man who is sick enough to be in hospital, to be arranging childcare from his hospital bed.

I hated my ex with a passion, we did not get on. He was ill a few times, ended up in hospital. It genuinely never crossed my mind that I shouldn't have our DC when it was 'his' time. Surely the children will be upset, worried about their Dad? The best place for them is with their other parent. Clearly some people here don't care about what's best for the DC, just that they get their 'time'.

I think all families and parents do it differently and perhaps it would have been wise to sort out arrangements before anyone got sick. Hindsight is a wonderful thing though. But you all have different expectations and nothing seems to be written down, so you can get annoyed and say what she should do all you like, but there isn’t a right and wrong, so it won’t do you any good.

In our family if my DP got sick he would ask me and relatives to step in and manage between us. With 4 DC and both with full time careers it would be difficult for me to manage on my own if he were hospitalised for any length of time.

If his ex got sick there is no way in Hell she would ask their father (my DP) to step in. She would also lean on relatives and neighbours. She wouldn’t give him a single second of “her time”.

If I got sick for a week then I probably would ask my ex to have them. And if got sick then again I would step in. Our relationship is much more cordial than my DP and his ex though.

So in our family the expectations are very different to yours and even differ between the different ex relationships. I don’t think there’s a right and a wrong.

You clearly don’t like the ex. I hope the DSC are not aware that you want them gone as they’re probably worried about their dad and feeling like they’re not welcome now he’s not here would be quite upsetting for them on top of everything else.

Me ex moved 150 miles away and most men are absolutely useless and selfish especially when they meet a new partner and deem looking after their own kids as doing the mother a favour so no it doesn't work like that sadly.

Surely you do what is best for the children ?

What would happen if XH is in hospital?

You're right about the sexism. You're getting the pestering because you're a mother.

In theory yes but if their other parent is crap there is not a lot you can do. My children have been looked after by my family and friends when I've been in hospital. This is because their dad isn't interested. He will see them on "his" weekends and Christmas but no other time even if it's a life and death situation.

Exactly this

I mean it’s difficult all round. No new partners to consider but I’ve set up my working life based on ex doing his days. It’s really awkward if he can’t especially for a sustained period.

Stick to your guns OP, you have enough on your plate. Easy for me to say but just ignore her.
I agree, you do not stop being a parent when you are separated and your kids are with their other parent. Yet another way the stepmother is expected to be more responsible than the actual mother or father. Same old, same old. Your DH is in hospital for fucks sake. Why on earth would you take on more children with everything else you have on?
I hope your DH recovers as soon as possible 💐

• To be clear, if they were my kids I would have them in a heartbeat.

• I'm just pointing out that if the usual arrangement is a clear division of time, it's not reasonable to assume that the other parent can or will take them.

• They may be working shifts, on holiday, away with work...any separated parent really needs to think about what they are going to do if they become temporarily unable to provide care, just as single/widowed parents have to.

• And it is usually men who assume they can just hand back to mum at short/no notice.

I 100 agree with you OP, but this is what happens when you marry someone who already has children—your life becomes intertwined with the wishes and whims of the XW. It is what it is, what can you do?

Yes. If she can’t help you out then I wouldn’t be flexible at all.

I'm very sorry to hear your DH is so unwell.

I agree with those who say it's very dependent on circumstances.

You and DH are married and have further children.

It sounds like their mum has a boyfriend so no committed support from another adult?

So whilst agree with you that the parent should step and parent FT as you would in a non separated family - and as your DH would if his ex was in hospital .....

Perhaps your situation I'd different to hers? Your dh could take on the FT care knowing he has you to support him if needs be.

Does his ex have that support? Does she have work commitments made due to the contact arrangement she can't (easily because I'm sure there's always a way) change or adjust?

I'm 100% with you that you can say no as you don't have PR.

But I'm not sure it's as clear cut and black and white as you see it.

I’d be tempted to tell her “your unwillingness to work with me on ensuring your children are looked after while …. is seriously unwell is noted and I’ll be sure to keep it in mind if you ever need time out for illness in the future or want extra time so you can holiday again”.’ A little reminder that it’s a 2 way street might help.

I don't know that there's a hard and fast answer, but I think there's a big difference in a Dad who keeps on mysteriously getting the sniffles on his time and expecting his ex to pick up the slack vs a Dad who is in hospital!

Putting aside the question of who's "job" it is, surely it's better for the kids to be with their Mum in this situation? I'd be pretty scared knowing my Dad was in hospital, and I think I'd want the comfort of my other parent if possible!

I'd never ask anything of my ex. He's a angry resentful man and it's not worth it.
If I was seriously ill I'd ask one of the many people I'm friends with to step in