To think if one parent can't look after the DC, it's the other parents responsibility to do so?

Any man worth his salt would divorce a woman who said “your children are no more to do with me than next door’s kids”.

The OP isn't "random family and friends", she's his wife.

The irony.

It doesn’t sound like someone with healthy boundaries that wouldn’t tolerate anyone trying to take advantage of her or place expectations upon her when they have no right to. So yes, I imagine her relationships are indeed healthy.

if it was possible I would try to have my children, because OP clearly has enough going on. It might not be possible and then I would expect my ex to sort it out somehow. It's about meeting everyone's needs as far as possible

Everyone's needs? Except the children and the step-mothers.

My comment was in response to pps saying they don't understand why some single parents guard their child-free time, not to the OP. I"ve seen it on here frequently, posters who have a spouse and are not in a separated parenting situation, implying that enjoying or wanting to protect your child-free time is incomprehensible.

This situation is exceptional and there are so many factors that it's not possible to have a definitive opinion on what should happen. We only ever hear one side of a story on here. Blended families are all different and people have different expectations of how they work.

If I was the ex in this situation, if it was possible I would try to have my children, because OP clearly has enough going on. It might not be possible and then I would expect my ex to sort it out somehow. It's about meeting everyone's needs as far as possible.

In general I think the parent whose contact time it is should be making arrangements for their children. If he wants to go out, I'd expect him to find someone to care for them, his wife or someone else. I wouldn't want to do it, and it wouldn't be good for my children to come back to me and then go back to his - it would unsettle them. If he was away for a weekend I would expect them to be with me but would expect him to ask.

Also, why are you blatantly ignoring that I provided emergency child-care, was on board for full-time living with us (it didn't happen in the end) and my healthy relationship with them now? Instead of interrogating me, tell us your situation and what demands you expect to be met by your DC step-mother.

He's ill in hospital, you honestly think he should be trying to phone around random family and friends / organise paid childcare when he's seriously ill rather than their mother have them? What if he were unconscious? Should they have to stay at the hospital with him?
These are extraordinary circs and the kids welfare is paramount. Dad being poorly in hospital is scary enough without being passed around from pillar to post

This. What on earth happens to a separated Dad who arrives in A&E via ambulance? Can you imagine - “ don’t send me to surgery just yet doctor, my kids mum may refuse to have them” ?!

🤦🏻‍♀️

Shes absolutely correct. They are no more her kids than those of her neighbors are - she didn’t gain responsibility for them by virtue of getting married to their father.

Whilst you may want stepparents to step into a parental role and treat their stepchildren as if they were biological, the fact remains that they don’t have to.

No, OP, YANBU.

But that is biologically and factually true. If I split with DH, I have absolutely no say in seeing them again or having any kind of relationship if THEIR PARENTS don't agree to it. (Didn't agree to it, they're older now)

I think this depends on a number of things and isn't a straightforward yes or no for all situations.

I personally feel that when people marry/live with someone who already has children that they are becoming part of the family, and that entails an element of care and responsibility for the wellbeing of those children. However, I also think that the primary responsibility lies with the parents, and would expect the other parent to step up in this situation. I guess I feel a middle ground is probably appropriate. The step parent shouldn't be expected to provide all the childcare, but equally should be prepared to work with the other parent in instances where they can, e.g. having the children for a period of time so the other parent can attend work, helping with pick up and drop offs to childcare/grandparents etc. But I imagine this is totally dependent on the relationship that exists between the parents and their new partners.

I am sorry to hear your DH is so unwell OP and hope he feels much better soon. This sounds tough.

He's ill in hospital, you honestly think he should be trying to phone around random family and friends / organise paid childcare when he's seriously ill rather than their mother have them? What if he were unconscious? Should they have to stay at the hospital with him?

These are extraordinary circs and the kids welfare is paramount. Dad being poorly in hospital is scary enough without being passed around from pillar to post

“They are no more my kids than the neighbours kids”

This is why your attitude stinks. And if you can’t see that then I can’t help you.

I don't think anyone is right or wrong.

I would take take my son but neither ex or I are remarried. I have a partner who would step up if needed. We don't live together though.

I think marrying someone and having more kids with them though makes you a family unit. You are the mother of their siblings.

How old are all the kids? Are they young?

Surely it should be discussed on a case by case basis? Arranging childcare, particularly on short notice is difficult enough without imposing additional arbitrary "rules".

Once again, you're talking as if I have no relationship with my DSC. You're making things up. My attitude stinks? Why does it? I was out for a meal at the weekend with my (now teenage) DSC. One of them decided to stay over afterwards. So just because I made it clear in the early days that I wasn't free childcare...my attitude stinks? Wow.

I think a lot of people on here are pulling a lot of hyperbole about "thinking of the children". I think of my teenagers 57 days out of 60 and put their needs (though not necessarily always wants) before my own. Their dad and SM get 57/60 days to do their own thing and have full autonomy to work or go out or whatever they like. I would be mightily pissed off if my short "time off" was impacted by anything other than real emergency and in lesser circumstances I would expect my ex to make arrangements with HIS parents and not expect me or my parents to be the default. As I said, he'll would freeze over before he took them if I was ill or incapicatated. It's not tit for tat, I'm trying to explain how these set-ups are often very one sided. And it's not about "not wanting" any poor little children. It's about acknowledging that there is a massive imbalance in the shared care and when that tips even further, it is unfair.

There was a time that we thought his DC would come to us full-time. I was fully on board. It didn't happen.

That doesn't change the fact that I felt needed to be available to 'step up' any time the ex decides she couldn't be arsed parenting. I think not. I pity any step-mother who is in that situation. My DSC has 2 parents, 4 grandparents.

I provided emergency childcare a handful of times over the years when no-one was available. It was much appreciated. Otherwise childcare was arranged and paid for by the 2 parents.

Yes I agree with you in this case. The mum should take them and should want to do so. I absolutely understand that step parents do not have legal responsibility for their step children and applaud the boundary setting. No step parent should be used and abused as free childcare by either parent.

At the same time however, your attitude as a step parent still stinks. You are still in the lives of these children and you are relevant to them. You chose by marrying their dad (or whatever) to become a fixture in their lives and they deserve for you to be a positive fixture. They are your husbands family.

All of these things can be true.

Well if the dp was still single the ex would have to care for her own dc.

Step mothers always ‘good enough’ to bear responsibilities but denied access to traditions valued by the biological mum.

in this case their mum needs to take them. I agree

Ok so you actually agree with me but yet want to rip me apart for stating facts. Got it. People sure don't like a step-mother having boundaries and stating facts.

What is it you don't understand about step-parents having no legal responsibility for DSC or having no biological links than any other children ie neighbours children?

Clearly some people here don't care about what's best for the DC, just that they get their 'time'.

How very true

Yes, I would. So I could focus on my hospitalised husband and they could be with their mother.

I would expect my child’s step mother to do the same if my ex was hospitalised.

You can take away any message you wish, but I’m really not interested in your thoughts on the matter. Particularly given you’re likely coming from a point of theory not reality.

I don't think it's a black and white situation, I'm very flexible with my sons dad, and if he were in hospital I would absolutely take him. However, his step mum also recognises that I'm a single person with a full time job and no family support in this country. We would likely pull together and juggle between us in this circumstance.

Wishing your DH all the best, perhaps you and mum can work something out between you to take some of the pressure off of her.