Not inviting parents partners to wedding

I dunno. If you invite everyone (and tell people that everyone has been invited), will you then be able to relax and arrange your day as you want it? Or will you still be on edge until it is all over? If it is the second then elope.

I know that people have said to have the wedding you want but spending loads to have all these people still be unhappy is really annoying. Tell people beforehand that you are going to elope because there is no way to have a wedding without upsetting someone.

When people think of weddings, they don’t think of complicated blended families where there’s a good chance people won’t behave.

So over 20 years ago, your DP's father fell in love with someone and left his wife for her? He's been with OW ever since? I'm not defending his behaviour, but that happens in life. And typically DP's mother entirely blames the OW but has forgiven the person who actually bore responsibility to her and to their relationship? Yeah, I wouldn't be pandering to that, I'm afraid. She can put up with it for one day and I'd be explaining that if she kicks off and causes arguments she will be asked to leave – but you'd need your DP on board with this approach.

Your own situation is different @Aweddingone because the split is much more recent and I can understand your mother still being upset. But again her hostility should be aimed at her ex, not a woman who had absolutely nothing to do with the breakdown of their marriage.

Amazing how often women blame other women rather than the men they should be blaming…

Either invite them all and make a special moment for your Mums. I don’t see either of your Mums caring one iota about your Dads after that. Or don’t invite Partners simples 🤷🏼‍♀️ Personally I would go to great lengths to tell my Mum how special she is……only to show my Dad where his place is & seat the Fathers at the back!

Crikey OP, even if the partners aren't invited, are you positive there won't be drama about something else or between other people? In my experience, most unreasonable drama llamas don't contain this behaviour to one circumstance.

I think these parents are all incredibly unreasonable, not that that is particularly helpful for you.

I think you and your fiance need to be very pragmatic about how you think your major players will behave- I suspect someone will get upset whatever you decide unfortunately. I would surround myself with sensible friends and family and not entertain any meltdowns/hysteria/whining/moaning/histrionics. Made sensible decisions in advance with your fiance and stick to them. Repeat the same phrases- 'no mum, everyone is invited and I won't discuss it further' and put the phone down/change the discussion/ignore the message if anyone starts complaining.

Maybe consider eloping (only half joking here). I wish you the best of luck dealing with this- I am sure it is very hurtful that your parents can't put your feelings first for even a couple of hours.

If it came down to your Mum or your Dad who would you rather have?

In my opinion the people who can't behave should be the ones to stay away.

I hate this getting trotted out . My husband of 25 years left me for the OW, I gave "moved on". Does not mean I would be comfortable seeing them together at a wedding it would bring back all the lies, the pain, the trauma and therapy it took me to feel even remotely feeling like "moving on".

The mums need to get over it. It’s really pathetic. They should be able to be in the same room and behave like adults regardless of the past . The OP deserves more than this. So , she should focus on herself and her partner.

Ultimately you need to make a decision between:

A) Whether you'd like to prioritise your DMs' comfort and risk your DFs not attending. It sounds like they were bad fathers, so I wouldn't hold my breath.

B) Guarantee your DFs' attendance

Personally, I wouldn't care about my DF attending if I were you or your DP. They made their choices. I think you'll be a lot more relaxed with just your DMs there...

I have good reason to hate my ex-husband, way worse than an affair.

I can be pleasant at family events because my children are more important than him.

Invite them all, make clear your expectations with everyone.

If you don't do this now when does it stop?

I think scattering them around is a really good idea, I think you need your sibs help with this too OP. Getting other family members to rally round to try to rein in the mum’s behaviour is a must if they are willing.

an elopement on your own is pretty sad in my view, there is no way I'd be happy with that and why should OP forego a wedding she wants just so she doesn't offend

op isn’t going to be getting the wedding they want, regardless of how they do it. At least eloping avoids a shit show.

OP, I've read your updates but I still think invite everybody. Re your graduation, it wasn't about what your father deserved but what was important to you. It's not fair for your mother to use important events in your life as a way to punish him for leaving her. She really needs to make the effort for you at your wedding. Do you have an aunt or grandmother who could talk to her about this?

@Youcannotbeseriousreally I disagree, an elopement on your own is pretty sad in my view, there is no way I'd be happy with that and why should OP forego a wedding she wants just so she doesn't offend a few cheating bastard fathers?

Leave out the partners. The dads have brought this onto themselves when they had their affairs. And they should be able to leave their egos aside and understand that for one day. If not, they don't deserve to be there.

Personally I think the mums here are both being ridiculous at this point. If it was me, I would tell them that they can either act like grown ups or not come.

I realise having an affair isn't great behaviour but I also think marriages are complicated and I don't take sides, except in cases of abuse.

After your updates I would say you and your partner should go immediately to somewhere sunny and get married on your own. The. Invite your friends to dinner / party when you’re back.

your family sounds horrific tbh. I could not be arsed with all that after years and years. Pathetic.

All of them, or none of them. Personally, I'd just be inviting a few good friends and ignoring everyone else. But if you want family members there, then partners must be included. Just tell them all to grow up and behave.

So actually @Aweddingone if your Mum is going to kick off if even your Dad's there, adding his (blameless) partner into the mix isn't going to make it any worse! and DP's Mum sounds manageable, am sure his siblings will help, particularly if they've experienced it.

My friend's parents had an acrymonious divorce, when she got married, she invited her DF and his partner, but, her DM sat on the top table, and DF and partner on a different table well away from her DM.

Which ever way you handle this, you're going to piss someone off big time. Don't try and fool yourselves on this.

I'd invite them all and read them the riot act - behave with grace or don't come, your choice.

Crikey what a nightmare. I'd invite everyone, but be perfectly clear to both mums that they need to behave like adults for the day, or you'd be calling them the closest Uber.