Not inviting parents partners to wedding

I have never bothered wit my father's affair partner or his subsequent women. They were never invited to family weddings because we knew it would upset our mother.

The parents should all act like grown-ups and suck it up for a day! If they can't do that then they can't come.

Well the mums are responsible for their own actions and choosing to make life difficult for their children instead of acting like grown ups.

I'm really sorry your mum can't put you first OP. You shouldn't be in this situation.

The trouble with just inviting parents is who knows if that even solves the problem or will the mums still be unhappy and cause problems?

Honestly, I wouldn't put yourself through this.

Even excluding partners isn't going to stop the parents being dicks, in fact partners could be recruited to keep them all apart.

I totally get you want a wedding but from bitter experience with my in laws I wouldn't do it.

You could say to all the parents that you want them there but if there's even a sniff of drama you will never speak to them again.

Or, get each set of parents and partners in a room now and talk about it. If they can't behave you won't have a wedding at all.

All sounds very petty. I would invite them. It’s nice to be nice. But it’s your wedding and you get to invite who you want. I suppose you’ll have well and truly drawn your line in the sand though and made it clear the stepmums are not welcome and all future family occasions will be awkward.

I’m thankful my parents and stepparents have always managed to be adult in these situations.

Honestly? For the sake of your nerves on the day I would just invite parents.

Not sure why everyone thinks it's such a big deal not to invite partners. They are not entitled to be there.

The dads are not being excluded and they should be able to suck up whatever decision is made, including not having partners around. It's a natural consequence of the life they have created, not a punishment.

I'd not invite your fathers, they both sound deplorable, that or elope.

Fully agree.

I never understand these comments on wedding threads. 'They are all grown ups they should be able to behave for a few hours, so invite them all'. (and worry internally that something will kick off)

But why isn't it, 'they are all grown ups, they should be able to handle a few hours without the new partner and just enjoy that they are there to celebrate their child's wedding'.

Why do people 'have' to invite someone's partner to their wedding if they don't want to, why are people not grown up enough to handle that?

The partners do not sound at all close to either bride or groom, why have them there. It's only causing the bride and groom added stress.

I would say to your parents everything (well, not quite everything) you have said here and invite them to offer solutions.

I'll be honest, I can't even imagine why you're putting yourself through all this. The lead up to the wedding and the day itself are going to be nothing but a stressful pressure cooker. You KNOW your parents aren't going to behave themselves, and they will absolutely ruin the day. Not inviting them only creates another whole shit storm of problems.

Go somewhere and elope with a small handful of very close friends and actually enjoy your wedding day.

I’m going to be one of the Mums in this case soon..
those who are saying ‘it pathetic’ etc maybe don’t get how hard it is.. for instance my dd father behaved appallingly, he committed fraud and was generally v v nasty to me after our split.. he literally trailed me through court for ten years, lost the family home leaving the kids and I homeless and didn’t pay child support until he was taken to court by CMS after years of him lying about his wages.
I raised our kids and encouraged them to have a relationship with him, hiding from them the worst of his behaviour..
Once they became adults they realised for themselves just how badly he had treated us all. He isn’t allowed any contact with me ( court ordered)
I often tell my daughter that I can and will behave on her wedding day and she should invite him if she wants ( and his partner who hates me) However I know this will mean my dd wedding day will involve me trying to stay away from him, his constant digs and dear knows what he will say if he gives a speech… I also believe that I should be the one to give her away as I’m the one who raised her..
But it’s her day, I will suck it up and I will smile my way through it… my wonderful DD however knows it will be hell for me and doesn’t want that.. so she is going to plan something a bit different than a ‘traditional wedding’ as her way of making it easier ( I love her for that!)
Its your wedding day… you chose what you want and who you want there

I'd invite partners with a warning for everyone to behave or they'll get kicked out, but end of the day it's your wedding so do what's going to make you happiest.

Worst case scenario if you don't invite partners is one or more of your parents won't attend, worst case scenario if you invite everyone is someone kicking off and the associated drama. Only you can judge which would be worse and how likely each scenario is to happen.

In your DPs case especially considering the time involved would it have any wider family impacts if he doesn't invite his dad's partner? If everyone else likes and accepts her you may find siblings etc caring. Might have no impact on what you do but one to consider while making your decision.

Invite everyone and whoever wants to be there will. They can put aside their differences for YOUR day and if they don’t then that’s on them. You shouldn’t have to worry about it but you will be more hurt if you don’t invite plus ones then one of your parents end up not going because of it. It’s one day and everyone should be there to celebrate you.

in my mums family (her parents split because of OW and my grandad is still with her near 30 years on) he wasn’t at any of his children’s (to my granny) wedding because my granny would’ve make a scene and actually mightn’t have gone to the wedding if he was there and especially if his new wife was there and it’s caused such resentment now with my aunts and uncles towards my granny especially since he walked his daughter with OW down the aisle last year.

please rememeber at the end of it it all it’s your day. Good luck x

Why not have yourselves/ best man & bridesmaid at the wedding then party either evening or different date for everyone with a buffet so no table problems and invite all to that hopefully with enough people to avoid clashes leaving out partners just stirs up trouble and rewards bad behaviour. There will be children’s birthdays etc and same problem over again through the years if you don’t stop it now and stand your ground. Affairs don’t happen in a good marriage and there are always two sides. You deserve to enjoy your day.

Don't invite the partners. This sounds a sensible solution, and after all both dads are ultimately responsible for the situation.

Just inviting your parents isn't going to be the straightforward option here as both dads are going to potentially be upset and feel you've favoured your mums. You're already getting into argument. I agree with the first comment, invite everyone and tell them you don't want to hear a word of it, these are grown adults who need to be civil.

This whole set up sounds completely toxic, including you using your wedding to punish your dad for something he did years ago. You all need to grow up!

@YorkNew I'm sorry you had to deal with that- what a knob the partner was.

I had the same situation and invited the job lot, my DM’s new partner ended up storming off after he accused my DM of flirty with my FIL. I spent my honeymoon worrying about my DM, honestly I felt like the most grown up person out of the lot of them.

A wedding without people is amazing.

I think you should invite the partners - and it is up to the ex wives to behave like grown ups and not ruin your day. They can hold their fire for your day. I would expect that of them.

I think it's important to see that by inviting the dads' respective partners they then have someone to talk to - it sounds like neither are close to you or your fiancé so invite them and let them off.

My first marriage we basically said everyone is invited, sort it out amongst yourself before the day, if you think that you can’t behave don’t bother coming. Sadly that meant my grandparents not coming as they hated my dads wife and couldn’t get over it for the day for me.

Second wedding we said a giant fuck you and eloped. 100% recommend this.

This kind of utter nonsense is why people elope. It's what I'd do, I couldn't be doing with the headache of trying to stage manage a bunch of adults acting like a bunch of toddlers.

Can you invite them all and get an absolute bulldog of an event manager to deal with everything? Or some private security? If anything kicks off they can just whisk them away like the Men in Black and you need never know about it or have it spoil your day. I'm only partially joking.