To think it's impossible to be a working grandparent / parent / wife & daughter and have a second to myself?

But you're 20 and these are your children. It's completely different. Plus not everyone looks back with longing. I'm enjoying my time far more with a more independent 12 year old and thriving career than I did with a pre schooler who was determined to injure themselves if I blinked. When my time comes to retire I don't want to be changing nappies and compromising on holiday dates. I want childcare to be my choice not a burden

I get that you don't like conflict, but you've brought up these 20 year olds, it can't be the first time you've had to set boundaries. You need to decide what you want to do and give them
notice to make other arrangements. There's a middle ground between not helping at all and breaking yourself to avoid a challenging conversation

I see both my parents with my son, they've looked after him about 4 times between them (they're seperated). I have no PILs on my husbands side.

They're my parents not my babysitters and I don't have any expectations of them, especially given they are both still working themselves. The occasions that I have had childcare from them has been for ad hoc things which can't be covered with childcare (late appointments, I had to go to hospital once etc)

I do them tea biscuits and sometimes a meal when they visit me and we go out for days out where I'm there with them. They're a lovely addition to my sons life, not a childcare solution for me.

To each their own but I don't think grandparents should be forced to be childcare providers because their children have children!

I don't know if it's helpful for people to live their lives in this way, by looking at what they will be misty-eyed about in 30 years time.

If you are looking after your young dc then of course that's perfectly understandable to say to yourself, they are only little for a short time, it's all fleeting and there will be time to look back and miss it one day. The problem here is that op should by rights be in that phase of her life of looking back and reminiscing about her dc being young, however she can't because she's still doing childcare of dgc, running around after adult dc, as well as both sets of parents. She has no time to herself and is ran ragged. The only thing she might regret is taking too much on and not having enjoyed this period of her life a bit more. or worse, becoming long term ill because of stress and burnout.

@Greebosmum but why is it hard to say no if you're being treated like that? Can you not have the conversation? About how galling it is to be used and not thought of in other ways? To struggle to bond? Are these adult children so devoid of empathy that they can't have an adult conversation with their parents? Stop enabling them! The truth is you're replaceable, as harsh as that sounds, if you died today they wouldn't send the kids off to be adopted, they'd find a way round it. Be firmer. Have some self respect. You're not doing anyone any favours in the long run, not if it isn't even being appreciated now.

I am you, except I have been retired for 2 months. Much of which has been taken up with childcare. It's actually not easy to say no when your child is stuck for childcare, for example when usual childcare arrangements break down for some reason. I actually hate my life sometimes, I don't think youngsters realise how tired we are, I certainly didn't.

It actually doesn't give a close bond with grandchildren because I am so resentful. I love them dearly and work hard to make sure the grandchildren don't know how I feel. It is galling though when we are expected to do all this childcare then don't get invited to their birthday celebrations or in fact see our children unless they are dropping off/picking up their children.

Sorry if I sound bitter, but I am a bit.

Stop babysitting unless it's for work purposes.

Your son/daughter can go out while the other babysits if they want to go to the pub or whatever and vice visa.

Not quite the same but I'm a full time working mum and although I don't have as much on as you, I do get it. I always try to remind myself that I'm 20 or thirty years I'd give anything to go back and see my children little again, even if life is very very busy because of it. And I try to remember that this is the busiest season of my life and it will be rewarded one day. And heaven knows there will be a day one day in the future when I'll look back with rose tinted glasses and even miss it! In 20 years you'll look back and give anything to be as young and as healthy as you are now, so try and embrace what is good about your life and exhale when you can.

Sorry, I know that's not much help but, as someone who also feels helplessly swept up in life right now I've found comfort in looking at my life through the lenses of longing for it from 30 years in the future.

I agree with this. Burnout follows a period of prolonged stress, which you are choosing to subject your body to. It's not fair on you.

You sound a bit pre burn out.
Once you have a bout of illness because of it, it often becomes recurring issue.
Be very careful.
A full-time job jammed into part-time hours is NOT sustainable.
Rethink all you do before it changes how you live.

Haha are you me OP?
Got all of those boxes ticked here!

One thing I'm struggling is the guilt though, especially with my own DM. I spend my days off shared between her and scrumptious DGC.

I feel very blessed and very knackered all at once. Plus my work is very physical so that's a whole other thread!

No answers but sending solidarity x

Retirement is the only thing that I think will help but I'm worried everyone else will just see that as extra spare time we can spend helping them...

Let what you know REALLY sink in. Your retirement is going to be a full time+ caring role to 4 elderly people with increasing care needs. Two of whom “belong” to your husband who’s already happily working your martyrdom and supposedly more flexible working (I’m guessing he’s not away on the rigs himself) to leave his parents’ needs to you. If you don’t stop now, you’re choosing that future.

Op you raised them to be this selfish. Trust me they know how hard it is regarding childcare, they just don't care about you.
Stop being a martyr and start saying no. If they do take offence then there's your answer!

This is all on you. Which is great, because you can change it.

They're in their 20s, so we help with babysitting one of their kids and general life stuff, as you do.

What “general life stuff”? Because actually no, not “as you do” - I have 2 mid 20s stepchildren and my husband does very little for them - but they’re grown adults!

4 parents close enough to cause you work, but none of them able to pick up that babysitting? Pffft.

If I were you, I’d actively write down every request that comes in this week, and really take time to think:

• have I even been asked or is this me offering unnecessarily
• does it even need to be done
• can they do it themselves
• can someone else but me do it
• if it really has to be me, is there a way to make it easier / quicker for me?

Oh OP your kids are taking advantage of you. You're still working. You shouldn't be doing regular childcare. I know that's easier said than done, I have a hands on mum and get on very well but I have NEVER asked her to do regular childcare for work purposes, she's still working herself. She helps out in other ways so DH and I get a break, and enjoys that as it's her time with the GC but full of treats and spoiling because it's not regular. I really think you need to find a way to prioritise yourself more.

I just hate any kind of conflict so it's easier just to say yes then it's just me that's inconvenienced...

It's all on you then really, isn't it?

Would there really be 'conflict' if you said no?

You can just sau, "No," you know...

Yes, it's true that the more you do for people, they more they will ask.

This is because

• they don't realise everyone else is asking you too

• they assume you are happy and able to do it

• they assume you'll say no if it's a problem

You can't expect others to respect you and your time if you don't respect it yourself.

I believe grandparents sole purpose in life is to provide childcare, and if you don't do that or anything else your children demand to their satisfaction you will have the privilege of being AIBU about on here

If your parents didn’t help you why are you helping them. Encourage them to buy in care, a cleaner home help gardener etc

It sounds like you want to do it op, which is absolutely fine, but you then can't moan about doing it.
If it is getting too much you must stop but only you can do this.
You say you want to help your DC's and don't like conflict. Something is going to have to give.

Also if you had no help from any of your parents when your kids were young, why do you need to help them now? Occasional visits and paid for help when they come to need it from their house equity. Sit down with your kids and explain you’re worn out, can they think of ways to lessen the load on you?

Your adult children need to start adulting. It's time for a conversation. When your oldies need more help, unless you buy it in you will keel over. What about when you need help, how does that work? Life is for living, not skivvying for your adult kids.

Are the grandkids close to their grandparents? Could they help? One advantage of your DC being young parents is that they will have loads of energy. They definitely need to be doing more.

OP you have a right to a life. Your adult children chose to have a baby. My youngest was a surprise but that's life and we stepped up as we did with our 2 planned kids. Yes it was hard and exhausting. We have virtually no help but it's made us better parents in the long run. My mum worked part time till very recently and I wouldn't have asked her to help anyway as I love and respect her. Her health is more important to me so I paid childcare.

I have also watched a family member of DH totally take advantage of a very elderly and unwell relative childcare wise. The more childcare she did the less they would do and the more entitled, demanding and reliant they became on her. They thought nothing of dropping of a sick contagious child so they could party. It wasn't healthy for anyone least of all the child.

Sometimes helping can end up enabling people further with issues. To help sometimes you need to stand back, guide and let your adult children step up to the plate.