Having an opinion on friend changing their kid's name

It might not have been a thing you've experienced, but it does happen to people sometimes at passport control. It happened to my old boss when she took her son to the US when he was little. My guess is that they probably question it occasionally, either at random or because there's something else they've noticed that makes them wonder.

It's a bit like having your bag searched at the airport or getting questioned about the length and purpose of your stay when you go through passport control. Some people fly a million times and never have those things happen, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen to anyone else either.

I've never had to explain to anyone I am my dcs mum and not the child minder because we don't share a name. I've also never been called Mrs dc second name.

I know it can be a pain going abroad on occasion.

I changed mine in my early 20s and I've only ever had to declare my previous last name for my first passport and for DBS. It's really not onerous or worthy of consideration.

My son has a different last name to me and neither has that caused a problem.

OP, if he has PR she will need his consent.

I've got friends who had different names to their kids, it got very wearing having to constantly prove they were the parent

my children have different surnames and the oldest is 32. I have never had to prove that I am their mother. It will be far more “wearing” for the child to have to prove his change of name constantly.

Your friend will need the father’s consent to change the surname, or apply for a court order.

OP I assume your friend isn’t married to this prince?

BUT is he named on the kid’s birth certificate as his father? I understand that gives him parental responsibility, which gives him certain powers/rights in respect of the child (eg she may need his permission to take the child abroad). PR is where many of the legal implications are.

Of course YABU.

Firstly, she needs your support not judgment.

Secondly, he should have the last name of the parent who actually, you know, parents him.

In what world is it a good idea for him to keep his largely absent dad's name?

YANBU to have an opinion and share it if you were invited to, you would be U to make a big deal of it or keep pushing your opinion.
There are pros and cons to both - the thing about travel and parent/child having different names is an issue sometimes even if you've never experienced it, and it could be an issue in an emergency (especially overseas with a language barrier).
Her son will always have to explain about the name change in certain paperwork (I think, though there may be an exception if it's changed while he's a minor?) so the main thing I'd advise as a friend is she shouldn't throw out all paperwork with ex's name on it if she was considering that.
Neither decision will have a massive impact on his life, plenty of people deal with both situations. She may hate being referred to as Ms Ex's Name or getting things addressed to The Ex's Name Family which some people will do if they only know the son's name, and that's a valid reason to change it IMO.

I don't know about the legalities of whether he could block it, but if she can she absolutely should. It's an arse changing your name when you're older, as everyone's who's ever done it will attest to. He's 3. He has very little concept of his surname, and even if he does, he's 3, he'll have spent more time with his new name before he can even write it. They're adaptable little buggers, he'll get used to it within a few days. And the benefits of having them both with the same name are enormous, for travel, for identification, for anything requiring parental consent. I've got friends who had different names to their kids, it got very wearing having to constantly prove they were the parent.

I don't really understand what you see as the issue here?

I would if I were her. Don't have a scooby about the legal ramifications though.

I have a friend who was so disgusted with his absentee/crap dad that he took his wife's surname when they got married.

Why is it wrong?

Not sure what possible benefit the child would have in keeping his father's name who likely he will barely see the rest of his life. You're entitled to your opinion, however I don't agree with you and I don't think I would have shared that opinion with a friend in these circumstances.

In my view, better to do it when he is three before he properly starts school etc and he will likely quickly grow accustomed to having his mum's surname and maybe even feel a greater sense of belonging as he grows up because of it (as in to mum and mum's family).

I think you're right in thinking you probably need to apologise to your friend but I'm sure you shared your opinion with the best of intentions.

The child will always have to state his 'previous' name with some things, which might be annoying to him, especially as he won't have ever known the 'old' surname.

Having just watched year 6 children (10 and 11 years old), fill out their SATS exam papers, I can categorically say this 3 year old probably doesn’t even know he surname, if my experience is anything to go by.

Your friend should at least change her son’s name to be double barrelled but I understand why she’s go for her surname too. Having different surnames is going to be annoying when going through passport control or when people (say school) assume that they share the same surname and she has to explain that she is the mum and not the childminder or something.

Your friend is doing the right thing. If dad will be absent it’s just going to be so much easier for them both to have the same name, one example I can think of is passports/border control - far, far easier there if mum and son have the same name. Otherwise you may have to seek permission to travel with them from the other parent. Can’t imagine she’ll want to be doing that!
He's 3 he’ll quickly get used to his new name.

My surname was changed when I was 6. And then had to be changed back. And then caused a massive ball ache when i wanted to get married and had no proof of my name as all my documents were different.
I'd caution against change. Plus she will need dad's permission if he's on the bc.

OP, I've got a 3.5 yo kid and he has absolutely no clue what his surname is. No one calls him by it, there's no register at nursery... How would he know?

So I really don't think the kid will know or notice if this happens.

And yes, IMHO an unmarried mum should always give a child her surname. So in your shoes I'd be cheering your friend on and if you're her friend I can't see why you're not doing that.

I have a friend who is now an adult who was in a similar situation to the child you post about. Their mum left her with her dad's name and she hated it once she was a teenager but didn't feel she could change it as that was the name everyone already knew her by. Understandably she didn't want to have to explain to peers at school that she changed her name because her dad has nothing to do with her, we all know how mean high school kids can be!