Having an opinion on friend changing their kid's name

@SmallGreens

Not just 'pork knuckles' but also 'knob jockey', 'kiddo' and 'little people'

Most odd.

It's nothing to do with you and you seem over invested in her life. Rather creepy.

https://deedpolloffice.com/change-name/children/without-consent

Apparently it's very tricky.

Well she is upset with you by your own admission . When we are upset with others it is usually do to 1) an unmet need or 2) boundaries being crossed.

Stop talking nonsense. She isn’t “erasing” the dad, (dad has erased himself by being absent). Was giving him dad’s name in the first place “erasing” mum. of course not.

the name is just a family name, it makes sense he should have the same name as his mother, since she is the parent present and involved in his life.

I don't think she is unreasonable to want to change the surname to her surname. She's doing all the parenting while he's absent. Unfortunately, she'll need his consent which I don't imagine he will give.

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to have an option. I think it entirely depends on your relationship as to if you should give it or not. I give my friends unsolicited advice all the time. My longest friend's is 35 years and the shortest is 10 so I don't think my mates mind.

It’s rare, but if you go down a certain career route that requires certain kinds of security checks, name changes are a headache.

also things like getting certain kinds of quick airport processing these days. You have to provide extra paperwork if you have a name change. Maybe not so bad if the parents are aware and get multiple copies of everything now and save it for when the child is an adult, but helping my 70-something parents with this who had to find copies of records at schools and churches that no longer existed was very annoying. Also what if the standards change in the future and the official paperwork the parent saves now is no longer sufficient.

am I unreasonable to think she should keep kids surname ?
does anyone have any experience of doing this (little people name change) and can share a nugget of wisdom with me?
I told her she’d probably need legal advice anyway as I guess she can’t just do it off her own back anyway, or maybe she can I don’t know

Name changed for this!

YABU,why should the name stay because he’s three? I don’t quite understand your reasoning. Grown adults change their name for all sorts of reasons - usually marriage. You’re not necessarily tied to a name.

My mum did the exact same thing and I’m very glad. My siblings got back in contact with our Dad in their older teens and changed their surnames back to his - more out of embarrassment IMO as a few childhood and family friends had asked why the name change ( or maybe societal conditioning about children having dads name? )so they’d never been fully comfortable with it. But they were way older than three when my mum changed it.

He then abandoned them again in adulthood. They will have his name going forward.

My mum knew what she was doing. I’m just glad I stuck to my ‘new’ name which I had since age 10.

I’m now a published author and so pleased it’s not his name that goes on my books! Even when I get married whether I change my last name or that , my mums maiden name will remain my published author name!

My mum had “friends” who criticised her too and I’m so glad she ignored them.

YABU. You were rude, obtuse and massively over stepping your boundaries in expressing your opinion on this.

She is absolutely right to change her child’s name- more practical for her and him and will have no negative impact on the kid whatsoever. Having the name of an absent dad would be more likely to affect him negatively, once he is old enough to know and care what his surname is (at 3 he won’t give a monkeys).

No he won't. I've only once had to state my birth name and that was during registering to marry.

Do you think there is ever going to be a time in the future when your friend feels glad that her son has his waste of space dad’s name?

Waiting just prolongs the time the kid has the name. At the moment it is definitely not a big deal to him. She should have given him her name in the first place and much better to change it sooner than leave it until eg he starts school and has more awareness. My 3.5 yo doesn’t know her full name yet.

Yes you are. I think it's not your place to voice your opinion. She sounds like she's doing the sensible, right thing for her and her child.

My father was a useless sack of shit as well. I started using my mother's name at 7. Then legally changed by deed poll at 18. It's never caused any problems for me and I have no idea why you think the child would be angry later down to line. If anything they will more than likely be pleased they aren't easily associated with their lazy selfish father.

OP i agree that a name can mean a lot so I want to give you the perspective of a child who's father was not in my life by his choosing, I think that I would have felt having his name marked me out as separate from my family who were actually raising me, the only one with a strangers name. I would have felt different and tbh I think it would add to the sense of rejection by being a constant reminder of the man who didn't want me. Just a different view on the significance of the name to think about. I agree with your friend and tbh I think she has a right to be angry with a man who's walked away from his child and feel why should he have the privilege of having that child carry his name when she's the one who loves and cares for the child.

I’ve got a different surname from my kids and have been stopped twice - 2/2 times I’ve flown with them alone. It definitely happens.

Also, I grew up with an absent father and I have his surname and always wished I had the same as my mother.

In answer to your question:

• it’s none of your business
• as a 3 year old he won’t know or care about his surname
• now and for the rest of his childhood having the same name as his (single) mother will have practical benefits
• as an adult he is much more likely to be glad he’s got the surname of the parent who raised him than the deadbeat who abandoned him

It's illegal to do it without Dad's permission. Is he likely to give it?

I changed my surname to my Mum’s via deed poll when I was 11 due to having a dead beat Dad. My Mum wanted to do it but dragged her feet for years. I wish she’d have just done it when I was younger because then nobody would have remembered me by that name. People from primary school will only know me by that name and it winds me up, that’s not who I am. I wanted the same last name as my Mum, not some man who dipped in and out when he felt like it.

In terms of life long complications it literally doesn’t impact me at all. Occasionally when I fill in important documents I’m asked if I’ve ever been known by another name, that’s it.

I think practically and logistically it makes sense for her 3yo to have the same surname as her. As someone whose father buggered off when I was very young, I was always pleased my mum changed my surname so I didn't have a link to some random stranger I haven't seen since I was about 3 months old! I think definitely the correct decision.

You think your friends in the wrong for changing her child's name to hers when she does all the work of raising him whilst old "pork knuckles" should have the child have his surname when like you said he's a knob and dosnt really bother? Make it make sense. Why does he deserve it?

You have to get his permission to do it legally. She could double barrel it with hers. Council can give permission for child to be known by her name during school life

It may not have happened to you but it does happen. I know people whose children have been questioned at the airport because they don't have the same name as the parent.