Having an opinion on friend changing their kid's name

Says who though? My kids haven't got my name. I haven't done it wrong.

It's really hard to believe your claims about 'gentle questioning' and being oh so tactful and thoughtful when you've a) started a thread about her decision and invited the internet to tell you you're right and b) continued to argue with everyone who didn't agree with you. You sound incredibly over invested and overbearing.

I was married when my daughter was born and remarried a couple of years later. I took my new husbands surname and decided that my daughter should be known with the same surname as me and her brother, before she started school to avoid confusion at school etc. Didn't need to officially change it by deed poll, just had to tell DWP for child benefit purposes/Doctors etc that she was now known by a different surname. No hassle at all.

It caused a little extra work when she applied for her first passport, but not badly so. It was the right decision for us

It isn't illegal to do that, as long as it is not for fraudulent purposes

Child should have the same surname as the mother, especially if the parents aren’t together.

I hated that I was named after someone who had no interest in me or raised me and as I've grown older I've felt so sorry that my had to keep her married name just so she had the same name as us.

I would change the 3yr olds name

I know a lot of people who have held DV clearance and similar - plenty changed their surnames (usually marriage), some had other name changes - yes you have to supply a bit more info but it doesn't mean you can't go into those careers.

I have never seen anyone advise a woman not to change her name when she gets married for this reason...

Nonsense.

I wish I'd done what your friend is planning. My children now have the same name as my ex, his wife and their new children but not me, despite me doing 99% of the parenting, effort, work, loving, and earning for my kids.

Support your friend.

My son’s dad unfortunately took me to court to change my baby’s name from my surname to double barrelled to include his. Despite him being abusive and inconsistent, courts still granted the change. Why should it be different if it’s the mum wanting to change the name? I respect her and hope she goes through with the decision to change it despite opinions like yours who obviously hasn’t gone through what she has.

Your friend is right, why should the child bear the name of this poor excuse for a human. He’s young enough to not really be aware of his name either so now is the right time. Yabu.

Edited to add I never understand why so many unmarried mothers/those who don’t have the same surname as the baby’s dad just give the father’s name seemingly without any real thought. Especially in this sort of situation where she knew he was dodgy from the start.

No it doesn't make you a bad person but I think it makes you unhelpful in that moment. And that moment is probably just when she needs support.

I've sometimes said to my best friend I'm doing x (In a hurry). I appreciate she's never said no don't, she just listens and may ask why, how are you etc. This gives me space to realise for myself if something isn't a good idea. No one wants someone saying just stop and think, how do you say that in a kind way?

Whilst my cousin was questioned for an hour at border control (not UK) until she managed to find proof that the baby was her daughter. She had travelled before without a problem, but was terrified they were going to take her baby.

I think she’s doing the right thing given douchbag ex isn’t on the scene and it’s normal she wants to have the same surname as the child. FWIW I think you should apologise so she feels supported through this difficult time.

But I think you’re right she’ll need legal advice and a court order to do it without his consent.

I don’t understand your viewpoint at all, OP.

@Tinnedsalmonburgers

I totally agree with this. I think a lot of MNERS just don't have truly close friends.

i think giving your opinion is fine.

however, I totally disagree with you!

three is young enough to easily change his name as far as he's concerned. Legally, however, I doubt she'll be able to without fuck knuckles permission. However she can register him as known as pretty much everywhere except his passport.

Oh and OP I agree, my best mates don't just smile and nod, that's not their role.
Their role as best mate is to tell me the difficult opinion on situations everyone else is supposed to smile and nod at.

And of course by bringing the conversation up its making it your business.

What a load of bollocks about 'erasing part of the child.' I doubt he even knows he's got a surname.

It sounds like you overstepped with your friend, went off with some silly objections, and now are trying to justify it with some nonsense about erasure and how he'll feel when he's older.

How about if she doesn't change his name and when he's older he wonders why she didn't want him to have her surname? It's just as likely (perhaps more likely) that he'll be sad they have different names than he will be sad not to have his waster of a father's name.

I think you should apologise to your friend, explain that you just weren't thinking straight, and offer to help sort out the name change if there's anything practical you can do.

If something had ever happened where I had a child unmarried , yes, my child would have my surname. I would always put the dad on birth certificate, but if I weren't married, definitely my surname.

But do people not think of these things first, surely you know there is always a chance a relationship won't last, so plan accordingly.

She is better doing it now than later - I'm not sure how that works though if the father doesn't want it changing now.

Look at it as a positive - present and resident parent is bringing child closer to them in name. Doesn't mean they have to remove all knowledge or mention of other parent. Could keep other parent's surname as a middle name - in case they want to preserve links to that side of the family.

If a parent is raising a child on their own, it is so much easier for them to have the same surname as their child. For travel, student finance even. Just takes a hurdle out of life.

It IS a thing, FWIW. I’ve been stopped twice and asked to prove my DD (different surname) is mine. Once in Germany and once in the UK.

You sound jealous tbh that your friend has the balls to take action ensuring her child has the same surname as her and you... haven't. This is a 'you' problem, not a 'her' problem. What she's doing is completely normal and sensible.

It's absolutely none of your business.