Having an opinion on friend changing their kid's name

my mum changed mine and my siblings surname back to her maiden name when we were younger myself high school while the others under 10 and best thing she ever done for all of us as we all hate him as he wasn’t present In our lives. Your friend knows best it is her kid and her life, if you ever get fucked about off your kids dad you might see it from her point of view. Also talking from experience my kids have their dads surname and wish I’d never done it as he’s now one of those dads who shows up for 10 minutes when it suits and doesn’t give a shit, so I’m seriously considering changing their names to mine aswell.
also don’t apologise if you don’t actually mean it as she will know your bullshitting if she’s as good a friend as you say 🤷🏻‍♀️just tell her you should have kept your opinion to your self.
i have read this back It sounds harsh how ive wrote it but im not meaning it to come across that way

It's up to her. I doubt it will bother the child and good luck to her. YABU

Absolutely none of your business, even if it is a very good friend.

Legally, she's going to need dad to agree. If he agrees it's just a simple case of changing child's name by deed poll.

Section 13 of the the Children Act 1989 states “no person may cause a child to be known by a new surname… without EITHER the written consent of every person who has parental responsibility for the child; or the permission of the court”.

If dad drops out of the child's life completely, mum can go to to Magistrate's Court to apply for a name change. It will help her case if she keeps dad's surname as a child's middle name e.g. if the child is currently Ben Joseph SMITH, request the name change to become Ben Joseph, Smith BROWN. It shows intent not to willingly cut down dad completely out of the picture, but argues for a more cohesive family unit, sharing the same surname, if mum's surname replaces dad's.

However, will a complete name change stir it up with a vindictive ex?

Alternatively she might consider a double-barrelled name Ben Joseph BROWN-SMITH, which biological dad might be happier to sign off on. Then it's a simple name deed poll change. Dad just needs to sign a letter stating he gives his permission for the exact name change - You can download everything you need free of charge from a google search.

If dad is really unhappy about the proposed change, mum could also free-of-charge her name by deed poll to that of her children, and that of dad's .... I expect his new girlfriend would be encouraging him to sign an agreement to change the child's name instead .....

Just keep it all as friendly as possible.

I'm in the same situation as your friend, my DD has her fathers surname who she hasn't seen for years, I'm getting married later this year and will be looking into changing her name (my partner has brought her up for the last 10 years, it's actually my daughter who wants to change her name) I really regret at least not double barrelling her surname when she was born. Sounds like your friend is doing the best thing for her child and you should support her.

Many people here have taken the time to give their opinion on unsolicited advice. It just doesn't always align with yours.

Huge numbers of women go through life with a name that wasn’t on their birth certificate.

Huge numbers of women seem to cope with changing a name that is a ‘huge part of their identity’

Shame she wasn’t advised to give her child her name in the first place, and leva this idiot off the birth certificate. Useless men are given a lot of power.

OP you are right that she needs legal support and if the father refuses a name change, even double barrelling, she will have to go to court.

I hope she is successful.

YANBU

A child's name is a huge part of their identity

I don't think it should be changed

WTH?! 😱 the family courts are so bizarre.

I think you are the one who sounds reactive and over emotional about this tbh.

your friend is in no way ‘ erasing ex from history ‘ or ‘forgetting he is biological father.’
She is just recognising the (no doubt painful) reality that her ex is not intending to be a parent, and making sensible, practical choices , for her and her son, to move forward in helpful ways. As her friend, You should be supporting her on this.
If ex comes back into the picture it won’t matter at all that son doesn’t have his name, what matters is what role he choses to have in his child’s life.
My DD has my name, her father is very much present and involved.

I changed my DDs name to 'know as keepingon' when she started school, no way was I going to be known as Mrs Nobby ex all the way through primary school. I wanted us both to have the same name and it was a HUGE mistake not to give her my name in the first place! (I wasn't on MN back in the day...)

DDs legal name is Nobby ex and it's used on her passport, anything to do with the NHS and exam papers at school. But she very happily uses keepingon. It's up to her what she does when she's older. She can choose to change it legally or stick with Nobby ex.

Whaaaaat..... That's one of the weirdest, batshit-est OPs I've ever seen. 'Taking away part of her boy' etc etc. Just what the hell? No, seriously, I'm in similar position to your friend (kind of) and I wouldn't be offended/hurt if you told me your opinion, but I don't understand it AT ALL. In fact, I think the absolute majority of people would take the exact opposite stance: if the father is shit/absent/deadbeat, it's not only normal, but POSITIVE to change a child's surname to their mothers (not compulsory, obv).

I was briefly married (3 years) in my 20s. My ex pleaded with me to take his name and I agreed (regret it, but hey ho). So for 24 years I was known by my own name, then 3 years of ex's name and then we split. And now I'm stuck with it. I don't like it, it's not 'me'.

Now I have a DD, she's 12 now, has ex's name too. I wanted it changed straight away, but as soon as I left my ex he fucked off and we haven't seen him since. DD was also 3 when I divorced him. Problem is, I cannot change her name without his permission. I can change my own, but I don't want us to have different names, DD and me. We travel a lot, including US, Canada, Australia and I don't want any problems at border control.

So like I said, DD is 12 now and is planning to change her name to my maiden name as soon as she's 18. I'll do it too then. I didn't tell her to, I'm ok if she'd decide to keep her current name. It's her name, after all. But according to her, she's my daughter and she wants my name. She doesn't know her father, doesn't remember him, wants nothing to do with him and doesn't want to have his name. None of this weirdness of 'losing a part of herself', etc..

it’s won’t be an issue in our friendship, and il definitely support her what ever way she goes…..
how could it be an issue and why wouldn't you support her? Something as big as this is absolutely her choice and really none of your business. Her life, her child, her choice that has zero impact on you. 3 is very very young, it won't affect her ds and as many people have said, it could make her life easier.

I hated having a different surname to my mum after having a 'dad' much like this who let me down repeatedly (and was abusive) until I refused to see him anymore around age 8 (and he gave up trying with me before that as he wasn't interested in any parenting). She should do it if she can. It's a shame she didn't use her name on the birth certificate. Also I can see why she's p#ssed off at you. She's your friend - try being a bit more supportive even when you don't agree.

It does not matter to the child what his last name is at this point in his life. If he feels differently about it when he's older, he can change it to something else. Plenty of people grow up and change their names for various reasons. You should be supporting your friend and not criticising her parenting choices over a name when she's the only one doing the parenting.

If I were your friend, I'd double barrel. That way DC keeps the connection with both parents, rather than losing one altogether.

I'm actually planning to double barrel my primary age DC's names, so much older than your friends DC, though I'm not looking forward to asking my EXDP to sign their consent forms.

YABU. Firstly, the child won’t even know his surname so it means nothing to him; secondly, his father has done bugger all for him so why should the child have his surname? Do you think all children should have their father’s surname? Why? Finally, it’s what the child’s mother wants - so they’re the same, I bet. I also bet she very much regrets giving the child the father’s surname in the first place.

My DC has an absent father and has his surname but I absolutely will not be applying to court to change the surname. I should have used my own surname at the beginning but I didn't. I am categorically not messing with DC's paperwork and identity now. Been through enough!

@RedRobyn2021 You would dump a friend because they had a different opinion to you?!? Wtf?! Isn't that communism???

The thing is - if he’s not going to agree then she’s not going to be able to do it officially anyway.

she might be able to get a court to double barrel, but they’re often reluctant to even do that.

It’s much harder now to unofficially change a child’s name than it used to be. Even in the last 10 years it’s got much harder. Many schools won’t now allow a known as surname - it’s all got to be done officially or they won’t change so opinions quite probably won’t even matter.

good friendships are t built on ‘that’s nice dear’ responses to major life things, surely. I think I’d feel incredibly isolated or like I lived on an episode of bridgerton if my best mates didn’t weigh in on things I was sharing with them???

This!!! I'm so sick of seeing "It's none of your business" on here when someone is asking for advice on how best to be a GOOD mate who cares and tells you, tactfully, when you're doing something irreversible.

You're a really good friend OP.

YABU.

My surname was changed at 2 - I have had no negative effects due to my mum making this (correct) decision.

I do not have a relationship with my dad, he has not been in my life bar a handful of crap meet ups when i was around 20 and he is an all round twat of a human being.

I am grateful actually that I do not have his surname.

It might be the kids surname but it's from his dad who sounds like he is very likely going to down the path of my delightful father.

The kid absolutely should have his mums surname.

YANBU to have an opinion on anything (the saying about assholes comes to mind...) but really, your friend is making a wise decision.

If I were her I'd 100% change it. It should never have to have been his name by default to begin with.
The kid is 3, I didn't know my surname at that age. He'll know his dad in future if the arsehole decides to contribute to his sons life. He doesn't need his name?
I think you should apologise. She's totally legit to do this and frankly I'm baffled you'd have anything against it. Considering the way you describe the ex.

No - he was another one who didn't have almost anything to do with his daughter. He didn't stay in contact at all after she was 6 and never paid maintenance. I don't think he ever knew to be honest - and he wouldn't have cared if he did.

The only slight problem she had was with her passport when she was 18 and she had to provide additional evidence to them ( can't remember what). Once she had the Passport in the name she had been known by since she was about 4, I don't believe she had any further problems with anything else. A Passport is a good form of ID for anything else. She got married in her early 20's and took her husband's name at that point anyway

It didn't matter to me that her name wasn't changed by deed poll, so as it was ok to call her by a different surname than that on her birth certificate that was the easiest option! Deed poll name change doesn't change the surname on the birth certificate anyway!