Having an opinion on friend changing their kid's name

If you go round to your friend’s house to make it up but are ‘secretly sorry not sorry’, as you described, you are being a knob. Be sorry that you played devil’s advocate at a time when your friend needed support.

Even very good friendships can take a hit and this sounds like it could be a hit. At least be actually sorry if you go round to apologise.

Your friend is the only parent her son has that matters, so her view on what her child is called is the only one that matters (morally at least. Obviously his father could object legally.) Certainly your views on this don't matter, and I think you massively overstepped. I also think you're quite wrong. Having his name changed before he's old enough to care will probably be far better for him than going through life with a different name from his mum that also happens to be the name of a man he will likely have little respect or positive regard for.
There is a child in my family who had to carry the name of a father she despises until she was 18, when one of the first things she did was change it to the same as her mum, half siblings and step dad who had been her 'real dad' since she was two.

I know someone who did it as her ex fucknugget was a total piece of shit. He refused to let her as he liked the power so she just told the nursery, school, GP that name was officially‘child name ex’ but known as ‘child name mum’. He’s changing his name legally next year when he reaches the legal age to do deed poll. He is changing to his stepfathers surname as in everything but dna that has been his father since he was 8 months old and he’ll finally have the same name as his siblings. He doesn’t see fucknugget now.

I see your point of view OP.

But have you considered that this deadbeat dad has eradicated himself from his son’s life?

in that scenario, I would absolutely give him my name… for all the reasons you give that the OP would need to explain why the name had been changed, your friend may also find she has to explain why her son has the name of someone who rejects them.

You’re well meaning. You’ve given your option. As you mentioned, it’s now time to support her in her final decision.

If dad is clearly unreliable she can choose to change his name. Though I'm not sure how it works as she may need dad's permission. I think dad has to be out of the child's life for so many years?

She can choose to just use her name for her son anyway for nursery, school, drs etc and wait to do it by deed poll. My mum did exactly that when I was 4 and at 16 got it done by deed poll as she didn't need my dad's permission.
I was told by a registrar that usage of a name can be used for official things? So, deed poll may not be necessary? She'd have to look it up. I've never had an issue. My passport and driving licence are in my "new" name.

It sounds like she should have used her surname to start with!

I think you're being ridiculous. It's his surname not his first name.

The child barely has a sense of self at 3, and the name change will have no impact at all at this age. It might if his dad comes back in his life when he's older and then mum can't change it.

Your friend might be angry, but that doesn't mean it's a bad decision. As multiple people have told you, it's completely normal for unmarried mothers to give their children their name.

And realistically, she's not trying to eradicate her ex. She knows she can't do that, she has a whole ass child to remind her every single day. She just wants to have the same name as the child that she gestated, birthed, and is actively parenting on a daily basis instead of some deadbeat getting to claim it.

I done this when my oldest was 2, now 18 and as far as he's concerned he would much prefer to have my name and cringes at having shared his father's name. He continues to see his 'dad' but he is a disappointment to our child and a failure as a parent (comments made from my son knowing him as a person) but sadly has an inbuilt need to still have him as part of his life

I changed my daughter’s surname. She originally had her Dads but he turned out to be an absolute waste of space.
You would have definitely pissed me off if you were my friend.
Yes a surname is symbolic, it’s a symbol of your clan, who you belong to, it links you to your people, your family, your roots, it distinguishes you from everyone else. It’s belonging and being united. Why would/should your friend’s son be lumped in with a father that isn’t on the scene? Why should he not share the name of his primary caregiver and likely primary grandparents and extending family.

If the father is on the birth certificate he has parental responsibility, even if by actions he wouldn't know the meaning of the word, but that does mean that, legally, she cannot change his name without the fathers consent.

From my point of view my mum changed my name a few times when I was little on the whim of who she was dating at the time, add in my 2 marriages and I have had 5 surnames. I feel like I have no real ties to any of them and its a huge ball ache when I need to prove my identity from birth. I wouldnt bother changing his name to be fair because even though my birth dad and mums relationship was terrible I still tracked him down in my 30s and have a decent relationship with him and his new family anyway.

I went to Primary school with a kid who changed her surname to her mum's in juniors (I think Year 4/5). Idk how she felt about it, but we didn't tease her or anything just were a little curious the first time the new name was called at registration time and surprised you could actually change your name.

Kids who get adopted change their name to a whole new family's name, don't they? This kid's name is just changing to match the only parent who has been consistently present in his life from the start.

If mum and her family are the only ones in his life, he may feel sad in the years to come that he is the only Smith amongst the Jones family. He might feel very angry towards his dad and be unhappy he has the name of someone he hates.

Is this based on experience or assumption? This isn’t an issue anywhere, ever - including airports, education, healthcare IME

I think OP was right to give their view to a close friend, but now gently bow out as it wasn’t welcomed

A friend of mine did this. Similar story with dad. He never even replied to the letter asking for consent, so it was done.

“Is she as unwilling to accept money from him? That’s an interesting question ehh?“ the op states “don’t even get me started on the child support” which indicates he doesn’t pay any money, or is problematic about it at the very least.
But even if he was paying child support, that would be because it’s a legal obligation due to children costing money to feed, clothe etc . If he’s a deadbeat parent with no involvement, how does a small monthly financial contribution mean that the child should have his name?

Not the point of the thread but I’m amazed at so many posters stating that a 3 year old won’t know his surname.
My granddaughter is 2 and knows her full name, including 2 middle names. I taught my own children their full names from 2 years old as well - in case they got lost but also because it’s their identity

If she’s going to change his name, now is the best time. I had issues with my daughters dad, my DD had his name and she was about 8 when I wanted to change it - but she had grown into her name and didn’t want the change.

Now as a teen she wants another surname (funnily enough not mine! Her grandma on her dads side because it sounds cool - typical teen)

Either way, she should do what she thinks is best - the younger her child the better.

I don't think you're unreasonable to voice your opinion, as that is the friendship you have and only you (and your friend) really have an opinion (ha! see what I did there?!) on that. Personally, I probably would have worded it as a "oh really? what's the process for that then?" and that would have given her time to think but that's because I would have tried to feel it out a bit first.

Many of the people on this thread have reacted how I assume she either reacted, or is internally reacting. She's furious. Not necessarily with you specifically, but that she's in this situation at all. I would hope she's given this a lot of thought and looked into what's involved.

As for the "he's 3 he doesn't know his name" people... he probably does but he's unlikely to have an attachment to his last name the same as he does his first, but he would recognise that it's the same as his mothers, that link. I could understand how your friend doesn't want to keep reminding him (or herself) of someone who abandoned him though and she probably wants to protect him the best way she can, which is to try and soften the memory of someone who hurts him.

Doing it before school is a good idea too.

I'm with your friend, he should have his mother's name, the only parent who is raising him.

At 3 he'd have no concept of his surname anyway.

Two friends of mine were given their dead beat dads names. One changed her name in her 20s. The other hasn't changed her name as its the name everyone knows her by but she's given her child her mother's name.

My mum changed my name when I was 18 months old because my dad abandoned us and it was a headache having a different name from me. You’re massively unreasonable.

Is she as unwilling to accept money from him? That’s an interesting question ehh?

No, it's not an interesting question. That money is for the child, and it's his responsibility. Why should she not accept what little he does to support his son?

she might regret it later if kiddo is upset that she did it and might be better to wait till he’s older and can choose for himself.

This was my Mum’s train of thought. I was born before their divorce was finalized (he was also a huge douchebag), and I bore his surname until 18 and 6 days, when we both signed the deed poll documents to cuange our surnames at the solicitor’s and then celebrated at my gran’s house. She never ever spoke a bad word against him to me until I was an adult and able to make my own mature choice. It was MY identity and she wasn’t going to change that.
It sounds like your friend wants to do this for HER. I get she wants to cut him off. Is she as unwilling to accept money from him? That’s an interesting question ehh?

I doubt that she legally change his name without the father's permission.

Is Mr Walking Bag of Shit counted as having parental responsibility? (Laughable concept with men like him.) Because if he is, unfortunately she'll need his permission, and I can see him refusing it and giving her grief.

https://www.deedpoll.org.uk/can-i-change-my-childs-name/#:~:text=If%20a%20father%20has%20parental,contact%20whatsoever%20with%20the%20child.

All the more pity, because it sounds like his sole contribution to parenting was his sperm, and the child should be free of him.

(I changed to my mother's surname as soon as I was old enough to do so, and my father wasn't as big a toerag as this one.)

Not your business at all.

If I were your friend I would want to change the name too. However, I have a feeling that she may need the consent of her ex to change the name that is on the birth certificate, especially if her ex is also listed on it as the father. Which may not be forthcoming.

So it might not be as straightforward as she would wish it to be.

I think it's a perfectly fine thing to do. He won't be very attached to his last name at three, and could be upsetting for him to have to write the last name of the dad who abandoned him all the time, or wonder why he doesn't have the same name as his mom.