To find this WhatsApp group triggering - should I leave?

Also, I don't think anything good will come from voicing anything to the mums. All this happened on their watch.

I just realised from someone else up thread that the graceful way to do it is archive the group. Do that!

Yes, leave the group, how awful for you. If only there was a way to quietly leave a whatsapp group. I've not been able to maintain friendships with mums whose kids have been vile to mine. No regrets.

I’m surprised that at the age of 16 their mummies still have anything to do with their social plans!

It's not unreasonable to be upset when something upsets our children, but yes, from the limited information here, I do think YABU about simple comments on a WhatsApp group, and i can't help thinking that a lot of parents are far too involved in their children's social lives now. Friends come and go (the same is true of adult friends) and some friendships also simply run their course. The kids are all teenagers; friendship groups do change at this age, particularly if interests diverge.

You wanted to maintain a friendship with the other parents, which is absolutely fine. You've kept the extent of the falling out or whatever it was to yourself, so the other parents don't actually know how upset your child was and how upset you still are. You have since found it hard to separate being upset about your child's friends and your own friends, so just leave the group.

To avoid a big fall out id just put that chat into the archive and only read it when I want to. That allows a bit of distance for you without having to leave it completely

I wouldn’t be hasty. Most of my local friends are parents of my kids now teens primary friends barely any of the teens are still close but we are and will be when the kids are long gone living their own lives.

Dd1 was dumped by my friends Dd. She was hurt as they had been friends since primary. Never found out why - she dropped the whole group. Still great friends with the mum we don’t discuss it. What’s worse here it’s only your child excluded it’s not the ebb and flow of teen friendships. I wouldn’t necessarily bin them all off though.

Just leave

Oh op I would have seriously lost my shit over that stuff. I don't know your son and I feel so angry on his behalf.
Do you struggle to be assertive? I certainly have in the past but as I've got older I have tried to get better at it. What horrible boys they sound regardless of their age or maturity

Yes

I agree with this. I wouldn't want to be friends with people who were OK with their kids behaving like this towards anyone, whether they were friends or not. Your poor son. I hope he's doing much better now.

This is so shit for you. You have my sympathy.

A similar sort of thing happened to us. Part of a long standing kids and parents social group. The other three boys turned on my son who has HF autism. I guess he just wasn't cool enough after they started high school.
I couldn't remain a passive member of the group after my son had been treated so poorly so I quietly withdrew.
It was a different scenario for me in that I wasn't notably invested in a close friendship with any of them. At the time I reasoned that I wouldn't actually miss anyone in the long term...and neither I have.
You might feel more attached to your lot, which makes it harder for you.

For your so sons sake .. speak up! Tell this lovely bunch how hurt your son has been. Make them aware how uncomfortable it is for you to have them all going on about their delightful teens who pushed your son aside because he didn't quite fit in. Also make it known that you find it hurtful that they arrange meet ups for them (excluding your son).. they are not your friends. 🫤

OP, I’ve been thinking about this, as I had a friend who’s son went through a really dickish phase and was a pain to be around, had to be specially catered for in many ways and even when this was done was moody, unpredictable and hard to be around. I don’t know what the issue was with your son, and it may have been quite different, but I felt I had to protect my similar age DC from being forced to enable / cater to this behaviour, while at the same time trying to maintain the adult friendship.

It may be that the friends have turned a blind eye to their sons bullying your son. But it may also be that they’ve said ‘you don’t have to like him and be friends with him, if he’s consistently annoying’. There’s a lot of possible middle ground in between, and some of what the boys have done their parents won’t know about.

I would have a conversation with the one you’re closest to, saying that the social arrangements for the DC are rubbing salt in a wound, can they move to a different chat? The response to that will tell you if the group care about how you feel, or don’t.

I wouldn't end my friendship with these women if they are good friends and an important part of your own social life. They will have had very limited control over the way their DSs treated yours as at that age, peers wield way more influence than mums. Its not entirely clear what the boys did to DS, and what they failed to address though. If they stood by and knowingly allowed serious bullying to go unchecked, its different from not stepping in to prevent your son being excluded, as you cant force your DC to include people.
Also, as awful as this was for your DS, in a few short years he is going to be off and away finding new friends and hopefully not giving these boys a second thought. Meanwhile you will have given up your friends over it.

I think if I was in your position, I would step away from this friendship. That being said, the other mums cannot force their children to include your son.

leave the group. if anyone of them are genuinely interested in your friendship they will text and ask what happened, and you can have a separate chat with them so it is not you against a group of people who will very likely minimise their kids involvement, it will be a losing game. If they dont ask what happened, you weren’t friends to begin with anyway.

Does your son know that you are still friends with the mums of the guys that ostracised him? Obviously he can’t tell you who to be friends with but I think it would sting a bit for me if I was him

But what on earth could the mums of 15/16 year old boys do to change things?

They can't force their kids to hang out with OPs son, it's way past the age they can get involved in teen group dynamics. Sure they could tell their boys off for being unkind twats, but that's not going to help OPs DS rejoin their group.

Leave the group. It's affecting your mental health.

I recently left a WhatsApp group where one person in it was bullying me. I literally felt a sense of lightness come over me when I pressed the 'exit' button.

Having done that, I set up a new group with a few of them who I particularly wanted to stay in touch with. This smaller group was very supportive.

I wouldn't be friends or socialise with a bunch of people who's kids had been horrible and ostracised mine. I've no idea why you're still in the WhatsApp group with them!

This.

I accept that the kids can outgrow each other, but if these mum’s are clearly aware that your child is no longer included in the meet ups, so they should arrange those teen meetups elsewhere. The fact they haven’t, suggests they are insensitive to your feelings.

I’m in a similar boat in that my NCT group seemed happy to meet me individually, but I recently passed them on a group night out (was returning with my kids on a 16th birthday dinner out). One, who I thought I was close gave me a grudging hello and walked on. Was really hurt for days [okay weeks and yes there were tears] - now realise I have to accept that as our children grew apart, so did we and I was obviously being tolerated. So fuck ‘em.

Have joined some things, met new people via FB meet ups (dog walks etc), even met someone I connected with on here when we realised we were going thru similar stuff and must life near each other. Was painful, but I’ve moved on. Largely because I refuse to let them see how much they’ve hurt me.

I’d keep in touch with the ladies in this group that you like individually - invites for coffee etc - but leave the group. You deserve better, really.

Well that's really horrible from the lot of them. After 12 years it's clear that both mums and the kids don't consider you both as friends. That is awful of them to do this while you are in the group.

This is so sad, I'm so sorry for your poor son. He didn't deserve to feel like that.

Obviously this is lovely great news for him, but it's sort of validating that their kids can act like dicks and get away with it.

It really does hurt doesn't it? You think parenting will get easier as they get older but it's the opposite x