To find this WhatsApp group triggering - should I leave?

I wouldn't want to stay in the group. Hard to say what you should do, OP. They probably know on some level what happened with your son so they won't be amazed if you disappear.

Hope your son can move on.

I think it depends.

If they bullied him and were nasty to him - then I couldn’t help but to leave the group.

But if they simply outgrew him and they’re now not friends, which happens regularly with young people, then I wouldn’t leave the group.

This time next year half of the kids probably won’t be part of the same friendship group.
As when they are in college they will mix with other people.

If this is upsetting you, then absolutely leave the group.

But it seems a shame because these women are not their sons and kids friendships will come and go.

If you like these women then it’s sad you have to fall out with them and forgo the social side of it, just because your DS doesn’t hang around with their kids anymore.

It’s very difficult to make mum friends and if it was me personally, I would distance myself and not read the chat as often but not give it up completely.

Maybe try to stay because they are your friends.
Maybe it’s ok to disconnect yourself from son & his social life.
I am friends w a mum - our daughters used to be friends, but aren’t. We just “don’t go there” when we get together. I would miss her.

We both feel awkward, neither of us is to blame for kids not being friends.

I would perhaps focus on making new friends, rather than dumping the old ones. Just to move on, evolve? Maybe some mixed friends, including both men and women, with children or not, volunteers, people who share your passions and interests as opposed to 'mums'.
It's a hard wedge to push oneself into a lot of the time and can limit diversity.

Grant yourself the freedom to simply move on to pastures new. You don't have to burn bridges, it doesn't have to be 'either/or'. I would imagine your confidence would grow this way and your attention could embrace new things.

It is healthy to move on from the past. Life and relationships can become stale, or not as vital for us over time, this is only natural, so it doesn't have ot be a negative thing at all.

Good luck.

I have a group of school mums that all have sons, I have a daughter, so as they got older they went in different directions. The easy way to leave that group is to set up a different one, organise a coffee morning/lunch/night out but give it a name. Send out invites tru it and not the usual group. Then mute the old group and use the new one to communicate tru.
It worked for me

Quite! If my friends’ children treated my child like that I would expect them to wholeheartedly apologise on their child’s behalf, give their child a good talking to and, at the very least, not rub my nose in their children’s continuing relationships.

I would also consider myself my child’s mother before I considered myself a friend of these people. How would your child feel if they found out that you were still pally with the parents of children who treated him so badly and were basically acting like nothing had happened. Surely he would feel betrayed?

You say you’ve muted it but did you know you can also archive groups too? That way you shave even less awareness of them when using the app but are still technically there…

Just leave the group. It's very empowering :-)

My son is shy, quiet and sensitive and was in a class of sporty alpha boys. There was a boys class whstsapp group but all social plans for the children were in the sports club group. My poor son was excluded from lots of meet ups. They went to high school and all mixed up into different forms

My son has met a couple of nice new friends and is settled. I still keep in touch with a couple of lovely mums who did encourage friendships when my son was struggling. Otherwise I left every single group and blocked a few on fb too.

It's not that you fallen out with the group, it's just that I don't need this interaction any more. If it's not positive, why bother?

I have been through this twice with secondary aged kids. I end my friendships with the adults when their kids are cruel to mine. Because I just cannot believe that the parents don’t know what’s going on, and therefore they clearly condone the treatment of my kids which shows them as cruel people with poor morals and I have no interest in being friends with those types of people.

Leave the group OP. You should’ve done so many years ago. It is crass that they share photos etc knowing that your son was ousted from the group.

I actually agree with this ^ they probably know some facts but they don’t know how it’s affected your son. As far as they are concerned they continue to invite him and you decline again and again so they do everything they can.
I think if they knew everything they would create a separate group.
I don’t know how serious your friendship is but it’s probably not if you didn’t tell them what’s happened. I would drop any mum if her child was horrible to my child as a hot potato. I’d stay polite of course but that’s about it.

I’m quite surprised you didn’t talk to these supposed friends about the way their kids were ostracising your son, and that you’re still friends with them now and ‘haven’t wanted to rock the boat’ by talking about it. I’m not sure that’s the course of action I’d have chosen.

The thing is, it’s really weird to have a mums group chat where stuff gets arranged / photos go up of all the children except one. Why are they not embarrassed? Even if they don’t know the exact details of how or why their sons dropped the OP’s son.

I couldn't be in that group with those photos etc. and I wouldn't exactly force my teen to stay friends with someone as kids do grow apart I guess bit for gods sake if it was a social event organised as part of the group
Outside school I wouldn't leave a kid out. And post group pictures with you in it.

I’ll add I have a teen dc doing GCSEs and she’s only just found her tribe who truly accept her. Some kids are horrible and I hate to say, most parents seem delighted their dc is the bully rather than the one being bullied and turn a blind eye.

I'd so badly want to say something. I'm not sure if it's best to say or best to leave it though.

I'd possibly consider saying something like.

Hi all, I'm going to be leaving this group. I was unsure whether to say anything or sneak off quietly but decided the latter might be frustrating for you all and a quick explanation was perhaps better. I'm not sure to what extent each of you know about how things have played out for DS in this group over the last year, but the bottom line is he's found it very tough and there has been a lot of emotional fall out. I'm at the point now where I feel I need to step away and be give him all my focus. I've very much appreciated all the friendship and support through the years. All the best to each of you.

Then leave.

So your upset because it’s now effecting you and your social life, but you were quite happy to stay in the group when his world was crumbling around him.

Your his mother, you’ve chosen to try and save your friendship group over sticking up for your child.

id be saying actually no they aren’t still friends, the way your precious sons have turned on my son is not what friends do. You have no idea what my son has gone though because of this. Sadly I can no longer sit by seeing you all acting like my child isn’t excluded from everything so I am leaving the group.

If I wanted to stay friends with the mums I’d say “I think this group is more for arranging things for the teens and I know dc isn’t part of that group anymore so I’ll leave but this one, but I’m sure we can still keep in touch. Please let me know if the adults are meeting up.”

or, if you don’t care so much, say “I am going to leave this group. I watched your children destroy my child’s confidence last year and it turns out that isn’t something I can move on from.”

Even though this was in the past it's still niggling away at you OP. Therefore on this basis I'd have to leave the group, tell them why, and end the friendships. It's awful as a mother to see your child being treated this way and the impact it has had on him.

Glad things are now looking up for your DS. He'll be fine with your support, you sound like a good Mum x

OP I know the sort of situation you are talking about when you mention pack mentality. There is a small group of boys (year 7 age group) in DS year that have this mentality. They behave absolutely disgustingly. The group has got smaller and smaller because other parents have either banned there kids going near them because they are appalled at the boys behaviour or the other boys have been victims of the pack bullying behaviour they inflict on other kids.

The mums just seen to get more and more cliquey each year that passes. They really seem to be totally oblivious as to how badly behaved, downright horrible and disliked there kids are. These boys cause 95 percent of the issues in the year group. The school staff know it, most of the other parents know it but the mums are living in a parallel universe to everyone else.

I personally keep my distance as do most of the other parents that used to chat etc to them . It's quite sad as one of the mums is actually genuinely lovely but totally naive about the rest of the boys behaviour (her son is the only one in the group that's not a bully). Unfortunately I highly suspect her son will be the boy that gets dropped soon because he isn't like the rest of them. He is actually a nice kid.

My personal view is its really quite pathetic that parents are still arranging there teenagers social life's. These mum's do a fair bit of it to and everything is together. To an outside looking in it's bizarre and seems very controlling. Why don't they let there kids arrange there own social life's? Do they not think there kids should be allowed to choose and make there own friends as they get older? They are not 4 year olds so should be given that right.

Honestly I would bow out of the chat but maybe tell them exactly what there "precious" boys did to your son.

I have been trying to think of an exit message.

But you know what, I think, just exit. You'll feel a weight lifted once it's done.

Anyone worth knowing will ask what's up. It's up to you what you tell them but 'it was all chat about the boys & my lad's no longer in that group so I left' is probably sufficiently neutral & true to exit quietly if that's what you want/need.

It sucks reading what they did to your boy. Kids can be so horrible & it hurts us in turn.

How does your son feel you remaining friends with the boys mum's who were mean to himI would leave, show your son the support he needs. Some friendships just run their course.

I call these situational friendships. They can be amazing / useful / convenient / rewarding when you’re in that moment, but I realised during Covid that I didn’t really miss my situational friends that much and I barely see them now the kids are about to finish school, even though the WhatsApp groups are still going!

Agreed, but in my experience, considerate adults tend to have considerate children.

OP how can these be your best mates, surely if you were close you would have felt able to say something about what has happened.

Isn’t it the case now that only the chat admin gets notified when someone leaves? It used to flash up for everyone but I don’t think that happens now,

I mean, do you have things in common apart from having children the same age? This is what I find my problem is, baby groups to school playground, the children were all we had in common.