To find this WhatsApp group triggering - should I leave?

Ask that particular mum that knows if you can make a WhatsApp group with just the two of you.
Tell her you are struggling and ask her to ping you a text if anything to do with meet up happens in the main group.

Then mute the main group.

When I was a child, I had a best friend from the age of 3-10. I absolutely adored her, we were very close and went on holidays and each others house was like a second home. She was a year older than me and when she went to secondary she ditched me. I hoped when I moved up to secondary we could be friends again but she just ignored me completely. I was honestly heartbroken.

My mum and dad remained very good friends with her mum. Sometimes the mum would be there after school having a coffee or round at the weekends. I found it excruciating when she there. She was very nice, but I felt her daughter had treated me really poorly and it felt so embarrassing to be around someone who I’d felt very close to through her. It felt like she and my mum and dad all agreed that I wasn’t good enough to be friends with her daughter. None of them ever brought up how sad I must be or how painful it might be.

When I was a child I thought I just didn’t understand adult friendships, they must be far too serious and important to bring up one child treating the other badly and risk damaging things. Now I have my own children, there is no friend I would be prepared to overlook this for. I certainly wouldn’t invite in a regular reminder of a painful friendship breakdown.

Leave the group… please and then find let them by Mel Robbins. It changed me. Let people show you what they really are then you decide what next. Yku a d your son deserve better! How dare they treat him like this. He will find and do better xxxx

I think this is a hard one, my DD was best friends with my friends daughter, they were born a day apart. They had so much in common until they were about 14, then everything changed they also live quite far apart. They still see each other and will chat when they are together but they have absolutely nothing in common. It has become slightly awkward as parents because we are really good friends but children change and find their own people and unfortunately my DD does not want to go to a party with hers, unfortunately it is just life. Slightly different that neither of them have done anything bad to the other one but just because they have known each other all through life they don't have to get along.

The boys weren't 16 when they were bullying him and excluding him

I’d leave.

I hope that's true but I find it hard to believe. As a teacher some of the behaviour I've seen from mums is shocking.

@hairtonup I don't think they actually know how their kids have been though.

I couldn't be friends with mums whose children had hurt my child so deeply. It would also make me question what sort of people they are, to not challenge their children for excluding another child.

Need to take a leaf out of your DS's book and make some new friends.

Mumsnet is a very strange place sometimes. Usually, if someone mentions cutting friends off because their kids have fallen out, the poster will get their arse handed to them. But on this thread, the general consensus is the friends must all be bitches because their 16 year olds haven't been nice. Realistically, who has that much involvement in their 16 year olds life to know every interaction they have with friends?

OP, I'm sorry your son has been treated badly and I'm glad to hear he has made new friends. With regards to your friends,
I'd listen to what your gut feeling is telling you. If you feel like leaving the group then do, but if you'd still like the occasional night out with them then just put the group on the back burner and dip in and out occasionally.

Ugh it sounds really tough on you and your DS. It’s so lovely that he’s making some friends and feeling a little better, and has navigated his way through it with your support. It’s so hard when friendships grow apart and the pack mentality means that one gets ostracised or worse. I hope that your son has met some lovely inclusive kids who let him be himself and are caring and kind.

I’d be tempted to mute the group, or just make it clear that you need a direct @Colourofspring in the WhatsApp group to any messages about social meet ups if you still really want to see them.

That being said it’s worth considering if you do.

I would leave. This happened to me with my son and my heart goes out to you, because it's devastating, and it's also impossible to know what the right thing is. I stayed longer than I should have partly because I thought it would keep the door open and maybe my son would be included again, but he wasn't. I got sick of the sympathetic head-tilts when the other mums asked after him. I left shortly before prom, because I knew they'd all go together and there would be loads of photos. Eight years on I couldn't be prouder of my boy, who has more empathy and kindness than the whole fucking lot of them put together. He always, always pulls himself up and has another go. He has friends now, but is still marked by what happened. The other mothers know more than they might have you believe; they know and they have chosen not to help. They aren't friends. You deserve better. Try to look after yourself because it takes such a toll. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

@AliceMcK

this bullshit! Why are you persecuting Op in this way?

Sorry your DS has gone through this.
Some parents are really insensitive and just love to give themselves a big pat on the back about what a wonderful job they’ve done and how special their friendships are whilst ignoring any fallout, in this case your DS.
I think in larger groups like this, there is always a hierarchy and I’m sure there are mums in this group whose children wouldn’t be ostracised like your son has been.
Leave the group, life is too short to be around people who make you feel bad.

I would leave. Some people are incredibly insensitive and obvious. How are they not aware apart from the one mum? Surely they know your son isn’t getting invited anymore?

You can archive the group if you don't want to see the notifications and then make a decision later when you know if you haven't missed it.

It sounds like they are still including your son and don't know why he's not attending?

In that case I would just let them know what happened.

Leaving him sleeping on the floor with nothing would have made me livid.

They might be awful people who don't care, but you say they still ask about your son.

They also might be nice people whose kids are going through an asshole stage and would appreciate some honesty about what happened.

I'd communicate the situation clearly. Their reaction will tell you what you need to know.

Are you good friends with or two of the mums separately....I'd leave the group.. honestly leave it but ask to be informed by the one of two of the better friends of any big get togethers... although tbh I'd walk mostly from the group..deep down you know what you should do .. follow your gut..

Really difficult OP. I’m still friends with a group of Mums from primary school and not all of our 15 year olds are really close friends anymore. One in particular who my DS was very close to moved groups. I spoke to my DS about it at the time and asked if there had been a fall out. His view was that the friend was being a bit of dick, asking to copy homework all the time, big fan of Andrew Tate, saying some fairly awful stuff about girls so he deliberately distanced himself. I suspect his Mum might have a different view of it all though but neither of us have ever raised it. I definitely don’t put stuff about my DS’s social life on the group chat though or talk about who he’s been hanging around with because I sense she might find it a bit painful as I get the sense her DS is quite isolated. We’ve stayed good friends.

If the WhatsApp is upsetting you then I would say leave, I can’t really think of a good explanation for why they wouldn’t consider the insensitivity but maybe it’s worth explaining how you feel if you value their friendship.

Could you set up a new group for mums' socialising and leave the other group. If you don't want to say exactly why, and they may have a different view on what went on anyway (your son's experience sounds horrible and hope he feels better), then just say as your DS hasn't been part of the meet-ups for quite some time, it would be great if you can have a separate group for just mum's dates. Easier to keep track of as well.

Think about each member of the group and decide if you want to keep them in your life.
Leave the group and keep up with the people you actually like, individually.

Leave the group but message the ones individually who you get on with? Mind as they are doing gcses the mum involvement with arrangements must surely be massively reduced so you might find it ends up being more general chat anyway.

Your friends sound like a coven of witches. I would leave them to get on with it as one by one their kids will be dropped.