To find this WhatsApp group triggering - should I leave?

Double posted - sorry!

I disagree with PPs.

It was so long ago now (in relative speak) that bringing it up wouldn’t change anything - it would just be to make you feel better tbh and it’s not about you, it’s about your son whose mates didn’t want to be his friend anymore. Even if they DO say something to their sons, imagine the worst case scenario for the boys to respond along the lines of - would you want your son to suffer more?

I would just leave quietly and if anyone asked tell the truth privately in a measured way. This doesn’t need to be a spectacle.

I have teenagers myself who have been through the wringer with their "friends" but your son being made to sleep on the floor with no bedding is horrifying. I'm so sad for him. These women are not being kind. They absolutely must know your son isn't hanging out with them anymore but are not being sensitive about this at all. I can understand you wanting to maintain the friendship but they don't sound like good friends- it's maybe no wonder they haven't brought up kind children.

I'd put something on the group chat.

"Hi all. As you know DS is no longer hanging out with the rest of the boys. I had hoped that this wouldn't change our friendship but I am really struggling hearing about the boys' socialising when DS was so hurt. It has been a very difficult time for him and me. Thankfully he's made new friends but I'm still feeling a bit raw about it all. I know it's hard to separate chat about the kids so I'm going to leave the group chat now. Hope you all understand and maybe we could catch up at some point soon."

I'm another who thinks that you - calmly and concisely - have to tell these women what their sons have done to yours (and how, because the mums are the ones boasting about how XY & Z are still such good friends, whilst ostracising your son, and, by extension you, their behaviour isn't much better).

These so called 'good friends;' have raised cruel and insensitive bullies.

Are they really people whom you actually want to be friends with? Not to mention the message that you still wanting to be part of The Mean Mums group is sending to your son.

If these women are genuine, they'll apologise - but I'd not be holding my breath if I were you. You and your son deserve so much better.

Wow several people here objecting to the use of the word triggering - it is used far more widely than that colloquially these days, has been on the internet since like 2009, and perfectly acceptable for OP to use.

@Mt563 that's total bullshit.

OP, this isn't teen drama, it's a case of quite severe bullying and ostracisation, at least partly visible to these women, and I think you should leave the group and on the way out calmly say why.

That's really cruel. I'm sorry your son was subjected to that.

I remember a similar situation and it helped my DC who was involved to know we had both closed the door on that chapter in our lives

I couldn't be friends with these women if my child had been dumped and pretty much treated like shit by their kids. They sound lacking in self awareness at best, and plain ole nasty at worst.

Leave the group and make new friends. You said yourself that it's 'triggering' for you. No wonder!

Upset. You're upset, not triggered. Triggered is associated with PTSD so unless you have PTSD from this, then you are not triggered. This is like the misuse of OCD etc

It’s bullying and I’d have told the other mums!! I’d tell them when he was invited to things that the group was really quite horrible and bullied him last year so I wouldn’t let him go even if he wanted to- no one wants their child to go through that.

i wouldn’t use the word triggering here.

these mums know your son has been left out - he’s not in the social photos and if they have not raised it with you they are not friends

I am a grandparent now, but still remember the playground politics (no WhatsApp groups back then) watching the cliques standing together in the playground, certain 'criteria' for joining🙄

My DS didn't go to the school nursery, so that's one box I didn't tick, couldn't help out with reading, another box I didn't tick and so on..

My DS was pretty much ok, but I would observe the pecking order of the Mums etc. thank god it's all behind me, I hated every minute. I did make 'friends' though not in a clique god forbid!

To answer your post OP, I'd have left way before now, these are really not nice people!

Not RTFT but we have a similar situation in a mum friend group where one girl had a serious fall out but the rest are still good friends. They are young teens.
things were awkward for a while between the parents of the two girls involved but they have sorted it out.
However, we have created a separate WhatsApp group to organise social stuff for the girls minus the one who’s fallen out with them. (Not that we organise the social stuff for them - the group is mainly for sorting out lifts to various activities etc.)

@TeenLifeMum God I wish I had read this last summer!

@flumposie very similar to our summer last year. I’ve just posted above. Glad your daughter is ok. Onwards and upwards.

I had something similar happen last year. Part of a small group of mum friends - kids all in same classes. We mixed both with the kids, helped each other out sharing lifts to sports etc and we also had nights out etc" My daughter’s best friend (both 10) from even before preschool befriended another girl(perfectly ok) but the two became really nasty to mine. -making school a misery for her. The mum ( very high power job and high profile locally) then started to cold shoulder my girl. My daughter really lost confidence - stopped going to sports that they were both involved in. I tried to discuss it sensitively with the other mum to see if there was any reason and she didn’t take it well. Challenged me in public a couple of weeks later etc. She dropped me and the other mums in the group started to ghost me too- WhatsApp group phased out/ no more invites for play dates etc. Very disappointed in one of the mums in particular as I considered her a close friend for over 10 years and I was also her client. Very upsetting but at the same time I have no regrets - my daughter’s happiness was more important.

It's great your son has started making other friends, and I'm so sorry he had a rough time with the others who sound like a bunch of thoughtless feckers.

If there's one of the group you get on particularly well with, you might meet her alone for a coffee and mention that your ds was sort of dropped by the other boys and things were a bit nasty for him due to that for a while but he's doing fine now. You could also mention you sometimes find it upsetting that they share the photos in the group as you're remembering the hard time he went through with the others, but that you value her friendship. Then the ball is in their court - it may rock the boat a little but it sounds like a stressful and upsetting situation to be in.

It doesn’t sound like the friendships drifted. It sounds like they bullied him. I wouldn’t want to be friends with parents who thought that was ok. Just leave the group, you’ll soon know who your real friends are.

Leave. I had to do similar when my DD friendship group started to leave her out from meet ups, were gaslighting her and then completely ghosted her over the holiday when she tried to meet up and were posting photos of them together on social media.The worst one was the girl she had been best friends with for almost 9 years. I have to see them still as they all go to the school I teach at and my daughter is still in the same form. ( she wouldn't join in skiving sports day, form time etc for obvious reasons) I had to unfriend their parents as I couldn't stand seeing posts of the girls on my timeline whilst my daughter had an awful summer) . We've both moved on and she is happier now without them.

The mum doing the sleepover wasn’t aware your DS was left with no bedding? Did you address that at the time? Most people would make sure they had enough for all invitees or tell them to bring their own, did the other kids take his?

It’s a tough one to address with the parents because we can’t and shouldn’t force DC to be friends and also you wouldn’t want these parents telling these kids your DS is upset so that just gives them more ammunition to bully him.

I think I would have left the group a while back with the message that my DC is obviously not part of your DCs friendship group anymore as he’s been excluded so I’ll take my leave as well.

I wouldn’t want to be friends with people who’ve raised DC to make mine feel so horrible about themselves anyway. Teens can be arseholes but deliberately excluding and ignoring someone is bullying, especially someone who is supposed to be a friend.

Agree you keeping in with the parents doesn’t send a message to DS that you’re on his side!

As PPs have said, these parents must have clicked by now that your DC is not around and he’s not included in their DCs plans as they are discussing them on WhatsApp, and if they gave the tiniest crap after knowing him for so long, they would have asked you at least what’s going on.

They probably know full well but can hardly block you from the group without giving you a very awkward reason why.

Leave the group, time to move on x

Definitely leave the group. They don't sound like true friends x