To find this WhatsApp group triggering - should I leave?

I think it would keep chipping away at me if I remained friends with these mums. Are none of them aware enough to have cottoned on to how the kids treated your son? What do you think he is feeling about it?

That is awful, defo leave the group. Big hugs to you & your boy!

The same thing happened to my son. But it started when they were younger. There were about 6-8 boys, the ring leader (let’s call him Harry) lived minutes away. I won’t go into the nuts and bolts but our son ended up being put on suicide watch by our GP and after years of therapy and counselling, he is starting to like himself. Unfortunately Harry’s mum was the nicest of people and we had been close. I tried to talk to her calmly but she said she didn’t see a problem.

In summary what I can tell you is that mums put their sons first and friendships second. In our situation I think all of the mums except one (she was never at the school gate) had the measure of Harry and 3 mums approached me and told me horror stories about him. Yet the behaviour continued. The truth was that none of the mums wanted their darling boys to be treated the way mine was being treated and they all loved the banter at the school gate with each other, the sharing of lifts, coffee mornings etc. and they chose to keep the status quo rather than acknowledge and address the problems.

So whilst I don’t think it’s a bad idea to tell the mums what the situation has done to your son, please give some thought as to how life will be if u tell them and they suggest you are exaggerating, fabricating etc. If your son is finding new friendships I would be inclined to say v little and distance myself from the mums and just be a bit vague and busy if any of them confront you.

I wish your son all the very best.

The problem is that this group isn't just for mothers of children who are friends, but who have also formed friendships amongst themselves.
I don't think you can do much about your son's former friends--teenagers aren't very empathetic, and their mothers likely had little to do with the situation. They are also unlikely to realize how you feel, unless you tell them. Still, even if you tell them, I don't think there is much they will be able to do about your son being left out. Teenage boys don't listen to their parents on who to be friends with or not.
My advice would be to leave this particular group, as it is triggering you, which I don't think that is unreasonable. You can stay in contact with the mothers you like, through other means of communication.

Have the others not questioned why you & your son are no longer invited to events? Sounds a bit bizzare

Leave the group, put your effort into other friends.

You've got no issue with the mums. Just try one message to the group saying what you've told us. Your son doesn't seem to be in the friendship group any more, so there seems no point in staying. Then just keep quiet for a bit. Maybe, just maybe, a few quiet words will be said and your son will start being included again. Girl groups can reject members maliciously, boys probably just do it unthinkingly. If brought to their attention they might be mortified to know he feels excluded.

Or they might be horrible little buggers. But it's worth a try.

This sort of thing happens so often to teenagers. Ur son finding alternative friendship groups is deffo the way to go. DS1 did this and many years later after they’d matured the ringleader of the original group apologised. Meanwhile DS1 rediscovered confidence with the new groups. But DS1 had to work it out for himself. As a Mum it’s such a painful watch. Leave the group. For now it’s pouring salt in the wound. You’ve got this and so has ur DS. You will both be ok.

I’m surprised you’re still in the group after what they put and are still putting your son through. Exit it and let it go.

I think if they are your friends then you should tell them how you are feeling and be honest about it. It may change how they use the group so it relates to friends stuff not kids stuff anymore.

I'd have left when son was ostricised

Tell them what you think! How their children were horrible to your son then block them!
atop being a pleaser and speak your mind!

Yanbu. Anything or one that upsets our kids is hard for parents to take. This constant reminder can’t be making you feel good.
You could leave the WhatsApp group with something along the lines of ‘coming up to exams we/the kids are moving in different directions now.’
But you don’t owe them an explanation. After exams are over the kids may all go to different colleges or leave school anyway. If you like one mum in particular so her separately.

Why would you still want to be involved with these people? Their sons made your sons life hell and you have chosen to stay friendly with the mums, stand up for your son, he is so much more important than any of them, ditch them and show your son how important to you he is, not some horrible gang of school mums fgs

I don’t think it’s fair on your son that you’ve stayed friends with these people. I would have raised the issue immediately and left the group if it wasn’t addressed. Real friends of over a decade, wouldn’t ignore the fact that this us happened to your son. They have definitely discussed it behind your back, and nothing has been done. Just leave the group and cut them loose. Never understand why people are so keen to make mum friends out of the school run. Not worth the hassle!

This happened to my daughter as she moved from year 6 into senior school. She was blatantly younger in maturity (as a family we all are but as you get older you get called fun and young at heart etc) and within 6 weeks (just before the half term) she went from happy and content to sleeping in bed with me crying and wetting her bed. I had the luxury of being able to move her and yes I dropped out the group. In some ways I wish I hadn't as my daughter is now coming to the end of year 9 and is soooo happy. She can't wait to go to school and finds holidays long and boring. Recently she was in hospital and on being discharged but still with a cannula in her hand she was trying to persuade me that she was fine to go to school. Secretly I'd love those parents to know just how well she's doing.

I left the group immediately. I suggest you do the same. In some ways your son might find it slightly disloyal of you? Equally not all kids mature at the same time so we can't really hold it against the other parents, but no I left and have no regrets.

How do you still consider these women friends? So basically your son would stay over at Debbie's house and she would provide bedding for everyone but him. And you consider this a kid's issue? I am sorry, but these ladies do not respect you and some are probably actively bullying you - yet you seem to be unaware?

You are better of going to grab a coffee with a good book then socialise with such group of 'friends'

I stand by the view that mummy organising 16 year olds social lives is pretty pathetic. Mine have been fiercely independent on that front from about 12 onwards.

I'd quietly leave the group. If any of them truly care about you they will message you one to one and you can neutrally say something like "I really value your friendship. The group has evolved to be more about the boys social lives and my son is no longer being included in that by the others, so I find it upsets me a bit to read about. So I decided to leave. Fancy meeting up for a coffee? "

Or you could be the one to suggest a "boys socials" WhatsApp group and keeping the original group as a Mum's socials....just say "I get a bit confused as to what is happening when the two are combined in one group"

Friends are supposed to be for uplifting, sharing, enjoying, confiding, helping, being helped etc. It does seem that in the past you felt this, but not any more. There’s nothing wrong with moving on and deleting the group, but I’m not sure I’d be able to resist a barbed comment first.

BUT - what is the current situation? If you leave, will you see them again? Will your son see them at school? What are the practicalities? This would affect how I dealt with it.

This is so common this situation, its why it can be so tricky getting too close to mum friends who are parents of your children's friends. It makes it so hard as your friendship is inexplicably tied in to your children's. I feel for you OP 💔.

I'm not sure I'd leave totally quietly as someone will notice and that may cause speculation and gossip. Or future awkwardness as the elephant in the room so to speak. But I'd keep it super simple and say something casual like

'Hey everyone, as you know DS isn't socialising with your boys anymore, so I'm going to leave this group chat for now, but I'd love to see you all for a night out soon' . ❤️

You could then initiate a night out yourself and make a separate what's app group and name it 'mums night out' or something and initiate some plans if you do want to carry on the mum friendships. Then you'll have created a separate one for socials.
And it will appear then as no hard feelings to the others.

Depends how strongly you feel about socialising with them after all this.

And you don't really know what the other mums are thinking. They could individually be feeling awkward themselves but maybe have never talked about it amongst themselves. Or if they have, they may feel guilty about starting a WhatsApp without you. As hard as it's all been for you and your DS, if you have all been close friends I'm sure they feel bad if they are good people.

Big hugs to you x

Re: the term 'triggering'...this is a chat forum not a psychology exam.
Just let people chat.

I agree with this.

I’m sorry but if they were your friends they would have helped with the situation with your son more

I wouldn't write what @WestEndWindy suggests. This has been going on too long and these mums must know that OP's son has been ostracized. In any case, as @Devilshands suggests, raising the be issue now would at best not change anything for the son but could actually make things worse. Teenagers can be very cruel, unfortunately.

So I'm with those who say just quietly leave the group.