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AIBU?

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Original poster

To find this WhatsApp group triggering - should I leave?

243 replies

Colourofspring · 28/05/2024 14:06

I’ve been friends with a group of mum’s since reception - kids are now doing GCSEs. DS was good friends with their kids up until about a year ago when they all dumped him because he hadn’t matured at the same rate- DS was so devastated and it had a huge impact on his self esteem - he’s only just starting to get over it now but he’s basically spent a year in his room too scared to trust anyone else. He has started to make some new mates tho.

I wanted to let it not affect the friendships with the other mums as I like them all and it’s been a long time but the group has become a place for them to organise social activities for the teens - minus my son & post lots of pics saying how lucky they are to all still be friends. All I can think is ‘well they were fucking horrible to my son’ and left him a shell of his former self.

Hes shy, quiet with low self esteem and it’s probably impacted him more than most. A lot of teen boys are cocky and full of testsosterone!’

I am getting to the point where I find the group triggering - I still like being included in occasional social stuff I guess but actually I am finding it increasingly difficult to stay in the whatapp group.

I have tried to keep child friend drama away from adult relationships but I am finding it difficult in this instance.

Aibu? WWYD? Leave the group? I have muted it but still get all the messages.

OP posts:
wintersgold · 30/05/2024 00:07

If they're real friends, you can talk to them about your feelings & worries re your son. They'll understand and be more sensitive to you. If not - well, they're not really friends at all, are they? If that's the case you can leave the group with a clear conscience.
You need to figure out which of the two they are

Branleuse · 29/05/2024 23:43

I wouldn't want to be friends with the mums of my kids bullies, and i would feel it quite disloyal to my child too

Elizo · 29/05/2024 23:17

I think that is it. Ducking out of the group but do let me know about any socials

OhMaria2 · 29/05/2024 23:16

BusyMummy001 · 28/05/2024 17:14

This.

I accept that the kids can outgrow each other, but if these mum’s are clearly aware that your child is no longer included in the meet ups, so they should arrange those teen meetups elsewhere. The fact they haven’t, suggests they are insensitive to your feelings.

I’m in a similar boat in that my NCT group seemed happy to meet me individually, but I recently passed them on a group night out (was returning with my kids on a 16th birthday dinner out). One, who I thought I was close gave me a grudging hello and walked on. Was really hurt for days [okay weeks and yes there were tears] - now realise I have to accept that as our children grew apart, so did we and I was obviously being tolerated. So fuck ‘em.

Have joined some things, met new people via FB meet ups (dog walks etc), even met someone I connected with on here when we realised we were going thru similar stuff and must life near each other. Was painful, but I’ve moved on. Largely because I refuse to let them see how much they’ve hurt me.

I’d keep in touch with the ladies in this group that you like individually - invites for coffee etc - but leave the group. You deserve better, really.

Show quote history

That really sucks, how hurtful

Peachy2005 · 29/05/2024 22:43

Not the point, and sorry if it has already been suggested but if it’s Whats App, you should be able to Archive the Group. Then you haven’t left but it’s not all in your face, like it is when you mute the group.

After GCSEs, the kids will likely be organising their own social lives - I’m surprised the mums are still so involved tbh.

rainbowsparkle28 · 29/05/2024 22:33

Of course you should leave - you find it triggering which in itself is enough of a reason but equally tbh they do not sound like very nice or good "friends" if they have known and not done anything about their child's actions towards your child or you haven't felt able to let them know. Leave the group and put you and your child first they sound horrible.

Dibbydoos · 29/05/2024 22:28

How awful for your son. I'm so sorry. People do behave like a pack - I've recently seen it at work, shocked the hell out of me so I left after just 4m.

I don't understand why the mums don't kniw what their darling sons have done. I think they need to know.

I have to admit I couldn't stay in the group if they did this to my child, I'd need to support him.

I'd probably put a final post up saying that you're leaving cos obvs your son isn't invited to anything anymore (explain about how he was treated by their sons) but if anyone wants to stay in touch to PM you.

FootieMama · 29/05/2024 22:18

Leave and invest in new friends

FootieMama · 29/05/2024 22:17

There is no way I would let my child treat a friends child or any child like you described. I don't think these people are good people. Time to reevaluate these friendships

cerisepanther73 · 29/05/2024 22:14

@Colourofspring

They sound like a bunch of Arseholes to be honest

WhatsApp Arseholes society group. com

cerisepanther73 · 29/05/2024 22:02

@Colourofspring

I 🤔 think you have just outgrown this group WhatsApp group naturally and are just stuck in rut,

as its so familiar to you and lack of cofindence and perhaps being too much of a people pleasing social conditioning had prevented you from ditching this toxic crap 💩 group dynamics thing,

They sound like this kind of group no great loss to get shot off well rid of

You be wondering once you are put of this group what took you so long and be relieved to do so

Just like a toxic friendship or toxic 🤷 relationship ect

Bossie21 · 29/05/2024 21:51

I have been here a few years back. It took me a while to leave the group as I felt sad that I was losing friends but I did and have honestly never looked back. My one regret is that I didn’t do it sooner!
my son sounded similar to
yours and in the same situation. Fast forward 4 years and my son, whilst not perfect, has a lovely new group of friends with similar interests, he has landed his dream job (not highly paid but something he loves) and is loving life. Many of The others he left behind have been involved with drugs and inappropriate behaviour towards girls and not matured into good young men.
i wasted so much time and energy on the group and compromised my parenting style at times, really wish I hadn’t.
good luck to your soon, sure he will be fine xx

helpplease01 · 29/05/2024 21:26

Leave it. Fuck them. Move on.

Smineusername · 29/05/2024 21:23

It's weird that you are sort of unconsciously mirroring your son's behaviour and allowing yourself to be ostracised by a social media group of his bullies' mums. Maybe seeing you model standing up for yourself and setting boundaries will do you both good

cerisepanther73 · 29/05/2024 21:05

@Colourofspring

Don't doubt yourself believe in your intuition a lot more is there for bloody good reason,
💯 per cent,

This kind of group dynamics has been extremely detrimental psychologically and emotionally for your son,

It's usefulness and benefits have long dispeared like a ship 🚢 that's docked and gone away on high 🌊 seas,

It's holding your son and yourself back too

It's high time to move on,

Just cause it was good before it no longer serves a good enough purpose

princessleah1 · 29/05/2024 20:59

The boys are 15/16 so why do their mum's need to arrange social activities for them?!!
Your son may be better off in the long run. His experience is developmentaly fairly "normal" (albeit very painful) but mums arranging their kids lives at that age is not. Ime

TheaBrandt · 29/05/2024 20:50

Why am I a bitch? I am firmly on the ops side. Her son is making his own friends and way in the world. This group of women are still arranging their son’s social lives and rubbing ops face in it. SN aside imo this is actually pretty weird.

Lostincyberspace · 29/05/2024 20:34

I couldn't and wouldn't stay friends with these women.

Thisismynewname23 · 29/05/2024 20:28

Colourofspring · 28/05/2024 14:24

I guess I was trying to keep my relationship with them seperate but it’s become harder I think. I also feel uncomfortable as I have to make excuses when there are big get togethers with the kids as my son obviously doesn’t want to go and that feels weird as it’s been a major part of my social life for years and I used to enjoy it. The group was actually meant to be for organising adult stuff but it’s become something else. I am angrier about it than I realised too!

Show quote history

I can’t imagine staying in a group where people who had made my son a shadow of himself were discussed, praised, photos of them I couldn’t stand by and look at them pretending it was acceptable, leave… and I would never suggest your child goes with you to a group event with people who did that no matter how much you enjoyed them before!

JournalistEmily · 29/05/2024 20:17

Maybe looking on the bright side this is a case of bad communication and some
perhaps forgivable ignorance on their part. It seems that they dont realise the extent of the hurt your son suffered - perhaps you should tell them? Then again it’s baffling they dont realise
what has occurred but some people are just not v aware. I would say you want to speak to them the next time u meet. It wont be easy but theyll prob be really kind about it and youll feel better

Moonshild · 29/05/2024 20:16

Sorry that you are in this situation. If you don’t want to loose the friendships - I would suggest that you mute the chat and take a break from them while you decide how you feel.
if they ask you why - I’d tell them

141mum · 29/05/2024 20:13

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Doghairdoishare · 29/05/2024 20:10

I disagree with most of the pp. My main friendship group is the school mums. Similar situation in our group where three of my friend's son's are being awful to one of the others. I can see it's really tricky at times for the mother of the bullied son. BUT we are all so close and try our best to keep it all very separate. There have been multiple conversations between them about it but the end result is the bullied child has managed to make some new friends and built up resilience against the other 3 (who are all lovely to him one in one 🙄)

My point is that if you really value your friendship with these women you don't have to cut them off. I would suggest you make another group with them where it's just grown up chat and they can keep the current group for kids plans.

laraitopbanana · 29/05/2024 19:40

Colourofspring · 28/05/2024 14:49

Yes to a point.

But not the full extent of it. Some of it kind of happened on social media group - so things like they would arrange something and go through every boy and ask if they were coming apart from my son. As in one would tag everyone bar my son - that happened a lot. It was so mean and it just chipped away at my son more and more. Or they would arrange to meet at a bus and ignore his requests for the time. That kind of thing. In the end we stopped him going to some of it because he would be so upset at all of this and wasn’t mature enough to stand up for himself. Or at sleepovers, he would be the only one on the floor with no bedding. That kind of stuff.

Show quote history

On the floor? With no bedding?

stand up for him and leave the group. These mums aren’t your friends hun. No way I treat a kid like that...let alone the kid of a friend...

letsallmeetupinthehyear2000 · 29/05/2024 19:37

Op I feel sorry for your son
you valued those “ friends” more in some ways by - continuing your friendship such as it was - confusing for him at best at worst he prob feels even more dejected

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