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Original poster

Should we move?

88 replies

Piovereacatinelle · 28/05/2024 04:04

Sorry for the late post - up late, thinking everything over.

To begin, last year my beautiful daughter passed away age 39 from cancer, her one and only daughter was 8 at the time (now 9). Everyone was of course devastated but we have been grateful to receive a lot of support. I was able to retire and we have been looking after our lovely granddaughter after school every night, usually 3.30 - 6.30. 2/3 nights we will make dinner for our son-in-law so they stay later.

Now son-in-law has for various reasons decided to move away from London to Brighton, he is Swiss so his family are all still there (we are Italian but moved to the UK 25 years ago). He feels that being able to sell the large family home (purchased with the intention of being filled with children) will give his a fresh start he needs, allow him to invest money for his daughter (the life insurance covered the mortgage and school fees until she is 18, but won’t leave anything for after that) so she can purchase a home and travel. He didn’t have anywhere in mind, he is a doctor but predominantly works in private practice and has been offered a job in Brighton. He thinks the seaside will also offer his daughter a lovely childhood.
Not long after putting his house on the market it sold and he has had his offer accepted on a house in Brighton, he intends to move our granddaughter to a new school in the next term.
Now we live in London too, our house is too large for us and expensive to run. We have been discussing a bungalow/ground floor flat for a few years now as it should give us some security as we age. We also live near our son and 2 other grandchildren who are a little older at 10 and 12. Our other daughter has no children and lives in Italy.

For various reasons my husband and I think we should move. Initially we were going to go home to Italy for retirement but now with our granddaughter needing us more than ever it seems better that we too move to Brighton. The seaside would make for a nice retirement. We could get a flat over looking the sea and still have money left to potentially buy a holiday home in Italy that we could use in the school holidays with our granddaughter and as she gets older we would be able to decide if we wanted to stay in Brighton or move home full time.
Being there for our granddaughter and our son-in-law is also important to us, for our granddaughter we think it’s culturally important. Of course her dad speaks to her in French exclusively and before she passed her mum spoke to her in Italian exclusively (they both spoke both languages so they could understand) and of course nursery and school is all English. But now we are the only ones who can speak to her in Italian always (her dad speaks some Italian but isn’t fluent and prefers to speak French in his own home which is understandable). I also feel we have values, customs and culture to pass on.
Also practical support such as school pick up and club runs.

We mentioned to our son who lives locally and he thinks we shouldn’t move. Since moving to England 25 years ago we have only ever lived in London. We would lose out on time with our other grandchildren (they come to ours after school sometimes and lots on the weekend). He also feels that it’s not fair that one person decides to move and everyone’s life gets uprooted but my son doesn’t support the move in general and thinks disrupting granddaughters life more is a negative.

It really has me overthinking, I don’t know what to do? I love London and Brighton seems lovely and ideally nothing would have ever changed but this is the situation we are faced with and I think our granddaughter should be our priority in this instant as she does not have anyone else.

AIBU to think we should move even if it upsets our son?

OP posts:
zaffa · 28/05/2024 12:16

If I were your SIL I'd want you to come. I'm very close to my PIL and I know that would continue should I lose my DH. If I moved like this, I'd be over the moon for them to come too.

Mangoooo · 28/05/2024 11:39

London is only about an hour's train ride to Brighton. You could visit for a day a fortnight and spend the day with your granddaughter. Maybe stay put in London and then eventually move back to Italy as that was your original plan. You can teach your granddaughter some Italian when you visit. It's great that she's fluent in English and French.

lanthanum · 28/05/2024 10:25

For the next few years, it might work very well for you to be near your granddaughter and be able to help out. Her cousins will soon be old enough to come down together on the train for weekends or in the holidays. After a few years, there won't be the childcare need in termtime, and it might make more sense to be back in London, with her coming to stay with you in the holidays, and the bigger gaps in Italian-speaking probably won't matter. And it's a good point about it being better for you to be near your son when you get older. So I think the idea of just renting in Brighton might be a good idea, with the idea of reviewing in the future.

OMGsamesame · 28/05/2024 09:33

MrsGlennBulb · 28/05/2024 07:31

If I was your SIL or GD I’d be very unhappy with my MIL/GM posting so much of my personal business online……maybe they don’t want the whole of Brighton knowing their life stories before they’ve even unpacked. Just think this through OP.

But people will only recognise the SIL/GD if they already know the personal business.

mumda · 28/05/2024 09:27

If you move to Brighton and then you need more support how will your other family members be able to do that?

I am sorry for your loss amd this difficult decision you have to wrestle with.

tgsldbdk · 28/05/2024 09:24

@Piovereacatinelle you are a wonderful grandmother and your family are lucky to have you!

With regards to moving to Brighton. I would be tempted to sell your home and put your things into storage, and rent somewhere in Brighton for 6-12 months to see how it goes. This would give you time to see if you like it and also spend some much needed time with your granddaughter. After this time, you could evaluate how it's gone and see if you want to make it permanent.

3luckystars · 28/05/2024 09:19

Well I think you should keep your house in London and rent in Brighton for a year or two.

Don’t buy there.

You are all still grieving, he might get a job somewhere else, get remarried and take off again in a year and where will you be then?

Don’t buy or sell anything for now. Just busy and weigh up your options when you have more information in a year or two.

So sorry about your loss x

Snowwhitedove · 28/05/2024 09:18

Go for it OP! It sounds like a good move all round. Brighton is a great place to retire, your other grandkids will enjoy visiting and it’s only just over an hour into London anyway.

rainbowstardrops · 28/05/2024 09:08

I think you should do what you want to do and not necessarily what you think you should do.

It would be great for your granddaughter but I can understand why your son would feel a bit upset but then again, if you retired to Italy then he'd see even less of you then and you can get direct trains from Brighton to London.
Just out of interest, as you said your son in law is a doctor and can work long hours, who is he intending to look after his daughter during these times?

Gladespade · 28/05/2024 09:02

I would move heaven and earth to be there for my granddaughter in the situation you describe. Lots of people love living in Brighton so it’s not like you’re going to be stuck somewhere isolated and impractical. It could be a great move for you too.Plus it’s really easy to get back to London to see other family.

Muffin101 · 28/05/2024 08:56

I can understand your logic behind wanting to move to be close to your granddaughter still, it makes sense on paper, but your son and his family may not see it the same way. Not a reason not to do it but I think perhaps something to consider, that they may see this as being out second place or as the ‘lesser’ grandchildren.
Also, have you ever spent much time in Brighton? I can’t really tell from your post but perhaps I missed it. Personally I despise the place, and have noticed it can be a bit love-hate. I certainly wouldn’t be giving up a retirement in Italy, where GD can visit for holidays and you can visit her as and when, for a flat in Brighton.
I am terribly sorry for your loss, your daughters passing must have been, and continues to be I expect, unbearably hard. Son in law and granddaughter are lucky to have you.

Bumblebloom · 28/05/2024 08:54

VestibuleVirgin · 28/05/2024 08:52

I have been a few times, each time hoping it would get better.
It didn't!

Show quote history

That’s fine, I lived near by and don’t love it either. But describing it as cold, windy and boring is factually incorrect!

bananaramaterry · 28/05/2024 08:53

@VestibuleVirgin Brighton is a great place!

VestibuleVirgin · 28/05/2024 08:52

Bumblebloom · 28/05/2024 08:09

Cold windy boring place? Have you been to Brighton? For 1, it’s the sunniest city in the U.K., 2. I’ve heard it described as many things, but boring never.

Show quote history

I have been a few times, each time hoping it would get better.
It didn't!

bananaramaterry · 28/05/2024 08:50

I'm so sorry for your loss

Do as your heart is telling you.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 28/05/2024 08:46

It's sounds like you should follow your heart.
A move to Brighton and a holiday place in Italy that your son and grandkids could use sounds like a good option.

RishiFinallyDidTheRightThing · 28/05/2024 08:40

I'd tell your son he doesn't get a vote on where YOU spend the next part of your life.

Itsthedress · 28/05/2024 08:32

I think you should go to Brighton, but perhaps be a little more honest with yourselves about why you want to go.

Does your granddaughter really “need you more than ever”? I think that if your son in law really felt that he couldn’t manage, he would never have considered the move.

Is this not simple a case of you loving your granddaughter, and wanting to continue being a part of her life? You are still grieving your daughter, it’s totally understandable that you want to be close to your granddaughter and don’t want to ‘lose’ her as a daily presence in your life, as well.

By all means go, but please be honest that you are doing this not because son in law can’t manage or needs you for childcare, but because you love her and want to contribute to her upbringing. And that’s a perfectly good reason on its own.

Original poster
Piovereacatinelle · 28/05/2024 08:18

PussInBin20 · 28/05/2024 08:07

I can’t really understand your son-in-laws decision. I mean to move him and your grandchild away from everything she knows and his support, especially when he presumably will be working long hours. Who will be doing the school pick ups to replace what you were doing? Does he have any family support in Brighton?

It sounds a bit miserable for her to be honest.

I wouldn’t move because what if SIL takes off somewhere else? Are you going to keep moving?

If there is no other family support for her there then I think he is being totally selfish.

I have asked him.
He and my daughter were looking at moving before she passed. Granddaughter is excited about living by the sea and they have been to Brighton quite often.
He only moved to London to be with my daughter, he said that he feels haunted and even a year on it’s not eased at all. He feels like he can’t begin to focus on what life will look like without my daughter while he feels she is everywhere around him. I understand this and feel the same to an extent.
Granddaughter is at a prep school but will move to an all through school so it’s no extra school moving than she’d normally have, just moved forward a little.
Then his house sold for 750k more than the house he has purchased so that can be invested and means when the time comes for granddaughter to want to buy there will be money and money to cover university and travel.
I think he has his daughter’s best interests at heart. He could utilise wrap around care or a child minder if needed.

OP posts:
ohtowinthelottery · 28/05/2024 08:10

I can't believe how harsh some people are being to you OP - they're clearly forgetting that your daughter has died!

If your original plan was to retire back to Italy, then your London based son would not have had you close by anyway. If you think you'll be happy in Brighton then go with your heart and help your SIL and GD out. Even as a private Doctor I'm sure his hours won't all fit in with childcare and he will need your help for a few years at least. The speaking Italian to GD is less of an issue in the moving debate as far as I'm concerned. You could facetime every day and still speak in Italian to her.

But if you decide to move then you obviously need to explain your decision making fully to your son and set out a plan on how you will maintain regular contact with your London based GCs.

Bumblebloom · 28/05/2024 08:09

VestibuleVirgin · 28/05/2024 06:25

This may be a grand arrangement, but have you considered, and this will sound harsh, what your position will be if he meets someone else?
Brighton is a cold, winndy boring place with an uncomfortable stone beach, and if you aren't arty/crafty, you are a social pariah ( i may be exaggerating, but it's no London, and certainly not Italy). Would you both be happy there, especially when your GD gets olders, starts making her own friends/social life, and no longer needs you in her life so much.
Appreciate your thoughts on keeping her Italian culture, but this may not appeal to her; you are very much projecting what you want here...
I would not recommend...

Cold windy boring place? Have you been to Brighton? For 1, it’s the sunniest city in the U.K., 2. I’ve heard it described as many things, but boring never.

PussInBin20 · 28/05/2024 08:07

I can’t really understand your son-in-laws decision. I mean to move him and your grandchild away from everything she knows and his support, especially when he presumably will be working long hours. Who will be doing the school pick ups to replace what you were doing? Does he have any family support in Brighton?

It sounds a bit miserable for her to be honest.

I wouldn’t move because what if SIL takes off somewhere else? Are you going to keep moving?

If there is no other family support for her there then I think he is being totally selfish.

MrsCarson · 28/05/2024 07:55

If your Son in law has said he would like you to move and continue supporting your grand daughter then do it.
Could you rent out your London home and rent a place in Brighton. That way if he moves to Switzerland or elsewhere in the near future you can still live in London.
If you move I'd plan on going up to London very often to see the other grandchildren and get them all together for a day.

Original poster
Piovereacatinelle · 28/05/2024 07:50

VestibuleVirgin · 28/05/2024 07:45

I didn't say it was controversial. In my 1st post, I simply said she may not want to speak italian
I also asked if you'd considered a number of things related to moving. You have ignored those questions, misinterpreted what i said about language, and merely accused me of something else.
Unless she was born in italy, she is english, so your point about children speaking THEIR language is disingenuous

Show quote history

We will agree to disagree.
She has Italian and Swiss passports (along with British), but no British parents.
Her nationality is all 3, her ethnicity is Italian and Swiss. She will have been raised in England and only by that is she English.

I’m going to assume you still live in the same country that you were born in, but for a lot of immigrants (most we know) maintaining strong connections to language/culture are of high importance, for them and their children.

Much like your language is I imagine English - so your children have to speak English to you regardless of if they want to or not. Ours is Italian.

OP posts:
xyz111 · 28/05/2024 07:46

Off topic a little, but my Nan was from Austria and moved here during WW2. She wasn't allowed to speak German, and it's something my Dad always regrets, that he isn't fluent in German. So it's great if your Granddaughter can speak both French and Italian. It will open so many more doors in life. English people are bad at generally only speaking English, whereas lots of Europeans can speak 2 languages.

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