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Original poster

help. Feel like I'm in love with DHs best friend

59 replies

giip · 27/05/2024 19:21

Aibu to ask what the fuck I should do.

I work with DHs best friend in the same office. However about a year ago as got put onto the same team and now work closely together all day every day.

For the past 6 months or so I've realised that I feel quite inappropriately about him. We get on well, talk all the time at work, laugh etc.. there is no flirting obviously.

I wouldn't act on this ever and I don't want to feel this either.

But what the fuck do I do? I work with this guy every single day and he is my husbands childhood best friend for goodness sake. I find myself in the mornings making more effort to look nice for work and I try and tell myself it's not because of him but I know that it is.

What do I do. Has anyone experienced anything similar and have these feelings stopped?

I love DH and am happy with him. These feelings have blind sided me.

OP posts:
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bomi · 27/05/2024 23:15

I can't believe people are telling you to leave your husband and your job 🤣🤣🤣.

You've just got a bit of a crush. It happens. Not the end of the world.

SurelySmartie · 27/05/2024 23:13

SurelySmartie · 27/05/2024 23:08

You might have just grown very fond of him because you spend time with him every day.
Do you actually fantasise about him?

No need to answer that it was rhetorical 😁I should have phrased it without a question.

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 27/05/2024 23:12

@Ilovelurchers you should probably divorce him just to be sure.

I love this thread, definitely a "mumsnet madness" moment.

Hankunamatata · 27/05/2024 23:09

Time to out up some barriers. Stop being overly familiar and keep reminding yourself about dh

SurelySmartie · 27/05/2024 23:08

You might have just grown very fond of him because you spend time with him every day.
Do you actually fantasise about him?

ticketproblems · 27/05/2024 23:03

Of course you don’t leave your job ffs 😂😂

FruitFlyPie · 27/05/2024 23:01

Don't worry about it. Just enjoy the crush. I have a lot of these, it's fun to pass some time daydreaming.

Ilovelurchers · 27/05/2024 22:58

Affectionately, I think everybody needs to calm the fuck down?

Crushes are pretty normal in a long marriage, in my experience. Just enjoy the harmless fantasy, knowing you will never speak of it or act on it because you love your husband.

Leaving your job would be pretty mental unless you work in some unusual sphere wherein jobs are amazingly easy to come by and trouble-free to switch.

Just stop posting about it on here and thereby making it into something bigger than it is. Is it really the first time in your life you have had a passing fancy for a fella other than your own one? If so , honestly you are unusual.

I quite fancy my husband's best friend if I am honest. He's a lovely bloke, and they both have similar qualities (what makes them such good mates I guess), and if I was single and he was interested, I probably would.

There you go. Do I have to poke my eyes out now in case I ever see him again?

pinksquash13 · 27/05/2024 22:46

It will definitely pass. I would say never drink alcohol around them e.g. at a work do as that's when you'd end up saying /doing something you could regret.

MariaLuna · 27/05/2024 22:43

I can’t imagine feeling this way about anybody outside of my relationship

You must be very young.

No tips OP. All the best.

Sometimeswinning · 27/05/2024 22:38

Londonscallingme · 27/05/2024 19:51

Ok, very happy to stand corrected! As I say, I can’t imagine that happening in my life and me thinking it’s normal but I’m well aware I could be the unusual one!

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I think you protest a little too much. This is about the third post where you can’t imagine it happening in your life. If you have ever had a crush, which I assume you have please don’t overreact to it. The op has a crush which is a little too close to home I agree. But they usually calm down.

TheAlchemistElixa · 27/05/2024 22:35

Londonscallingme · 27/05/2024 19:24

You need to leave your job. You probably also need to consider leaving your husband too, I’m afraid. There is no ‘good’ end to this situation I’m afraid; it’s about damage limitation.

Huh? Why on earth should she leave her husband?!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/05/2024 22:34

FrogandTrumpet · 27/05/2024 22:25

Ending the marriage over this is like ordering a nuclear strike on a jam jar because you can’t get the lid off.

Ridiculous advice.

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Bearing in mind that I have been known to impale a particularly obstinate lid of sliced gherkins with a massive pointy kitchen knife to get to the bastarding things after all other techniques have failed, I certainly wouldn't recommend adopting this technique for a dose of hormones going astray.

Seriously, OP, get over yourself. You're his best mate's wife. Stop it. If he were interested, he'd be an utter prick and if he isn't, well, you're making a complete fucking idiot of yourself for the sake of a few hormones bouncing around.

JustMarriedBecca · 27/05/2024 22:27

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 27/05/2024 19:49

Having crushes on someone who isn't your partner is incredibly normal. I doubt there are many marriages where neither party has ever had a small crush on someone else.

The reason it's her DH's mate is just because of the proximity. She sees him at work - dressed nicely, on his best behaviour. It'll pass, as crushes do. The main thing is not to act on it, not even flirting.

If it doesn't pass, she might want to consider leaving her job, but taking drastic action over something that is almost certain to be temporary would be madness.

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The other thing is aside from the smartly dressed, best behaviour part is that you know he's a nice guy, he's just like your DH.

It's new. It's unknown. It's forbidden. It will totally pass.

Don't leave your job. That's ridiculous

MasterBeth · 27/05/2024 22:27

Sillystrumpet · 27/05/2024 22:23

Honestly folks calling it a crush, it’s so teenage.

I'm in my 50s, in a 30 year marriage and have had several strong crushes over the years.

Recognise them for what they are. Don't act on them. If you're not attracted to attractive people, you're probably dead inside. But you made a vow to your husband to be with him and him only. It's pretty simple, really.

pizzaHeart · 27/05/2024 22:27

Beautifulbythebay · 27/05/2024 19:32

Maybe because you see him in work circumstances-smartly dressed and behaving appropriately .. Imagine him scratching his balls/leaving the loo seat up / in tartan pj's and slippers /skiddy pants /the grass isn't greener. It's still grass..
When I got married dh's best mate pulled me aside and declared he had feelings... Omg too late you daft man.... If I had known. ...
But a crush you need to ignore op.

This^
you are a bit bored, probably tired at home. It is about the grass being greener…

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 27/05/2024 22:25

Crushes are a bit of fun and pass eventually, no need to quit your job and get a divorce although that comment really made me laugh. Imo being in close proximity makes them go away sooner, there's less mystique!

Maybe you're just feeling things are a little stale with your day to day, I agree more date nights with dh is a good idea.

FrogandTrumpet · 27/05/2024 22:25

Londonscallingme · 27/05/2024 19:24

You need to leave your job. You probably also need to consider leaving your husband too, I’m afraid. There is no ‘good’ end to this situation I’m afraid; it’s about damage limitation.

Ending the marriage over this is like ordering a nuclear strike on a jam jar because you can’t get the lid off.

Ridiculous advice.

SensationalSusie · 27/05/2024 22:24

BrightLightTonight · 27/05/2024 19:45

Start making time for you and DH to have date nights, time for the two of you. You just need to fall back in love with your DH, and be his partner rather than just being a mum and dad. Remember why you got together in the first place

This. You need to have more dates, intimacy and sex with your husband to bond you to him and eliminate these feelings.

Sillystrumpet · 27/05/2024 22:23

Honestly folks calling it a crush, it’s so teenage.

Canadan · 27/05/2024 22:23

I don’t understand most of the posts on this thread.

it’s a crush. It will pass. You’re not going to act on it so what’s the issue? You sound very sensible so just relax and wait.

I think leaving your job would be a huge overreaction and might make you feel resentful.

Sillystrumpet · 27/05/2024 22:20

You say you’ve not done anything, but you’ve declared yourself in love with him and say you dress up for him going to work.

that’s not nothing op. How do you think your husband would feel knowing you’re in love with his best friend and to such an extent you dress up and are on line telling millions of people you’re in love with him.

Newnamesameoldlurker · 27/05/2024 22:20

whatageareyou · 27/05/2024 19:59

I think it's pretty normal you've got a crush, if he's best mates with your DH then they're likely pretty similar. It doesn't mean the mate is better, he's just still shiny in a way a long term partner never will be. It doesnt have to mean anything.

100% this. I am kind of prone to crushes, I get one every few years. They always pass and once they end I am amazed I ever fancied the person. As pp have said its a proximity crush. Life gets a bit boring when you've been with the same person for ages and have young kids. I really disagree that you need to leave your job or do anything drastic. It will fade if you just don't indulge it, just let it be there and pass away on its own

ExtraOnions · 27/05/2024 22:18

You’ve got a crush .. it will wear off. I had a massive crush on a guy I worked with, I thought about him all the time - then I saw him with a massive cold sore .. crush gone !

AgathaAllAlong · 27/05/2024 22:14

Londonscallingme · 27/05/2024 19:37

really? This guy is her husbands best mate… does that happen often? I just can’t imagine having a crush on someone so close to my OH.

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It actually makes more sense to me that she would crush on someone close to her DH. OP loves her husband, and this man must be quite like him to have been friends so long. Because he's close, she also knows him personally - knows that he's safe, nice, and whatever other attributes he has. When I first met DH's cousin, I was I was surprised (and worried) by how attracted to him I felt.. until later looking at a photo I realised he looks really similar to DH, and shares many of his mannerisms (except younger and more in shape). So actually someone closer might well be a sign that she's really into her husband.

OP, I don't have much advice. I did leave a job where I had a crush on a colleague, and it stopped pretty soon after. I felt confident I wouldn't cross any lines but honestly I got sick of feeling like that, I just wanted to get to work and crack on without worrying that he would do something unbearably erotic (like er... chew on a pen?) in a meeting I was supposed to be paying attention to.