Wedding without marriage

I would ask for my money back as it was a wedding gift and no wedding will be taking place dow the foreseeable future and you're not giving them money just to host a party.

I used to work with someone who invited people to her baby's Christening. Once in the church the vicar announced that before the Christening he was just going to conduct a wedding and the proud parents walked down the aisle together. No one seemed bothered that they'd been "conned."

How judgemental. How does it affect her?

A friend told me about a wedding she went to, they split up two weeks later on the day they got back from the honeymoon. I think that was a bigger farce.

Some weddings are done before the legal ceremony and so in that sense they’re a sham too and the couple could end up never getting married for all anyone knows. When my brother got married at the town hall we weren’t allowed to mention they’d already had the wedding as it’s against some rule or something. I think it’s weird that they haven’t booked to actually get married, after all it’s only about a 15 minute affair and they don’t even have to dress up. It sounds like they’re doing so they can have a wedding but not a marriage. But I couldn’t get worked up, it’s their life and no one is forced to attend their wedding

My friend, who is a humanist celebrant, would make it absolutely clear that she is not legally marrying someone in this kind of ceremony. I don't think she would be happy to discover that most guests imagined the 'legal' bit had already been done. Why not spend the small sums required for the registry wedding first? The fact they don't plan to tell their guests means they know it's dishonest.

Like many people do these days, we had the small registry office( only us and witnesses) legal bit followed by a bigger humanist ceremony the day after, my sibling did the whole married legally abroad (only them & witnesses)followed by a wedding party back home…..many of our older relatives were a bit bemused by both of our weddings and certainly there were some grumbles ,so I think your cousin risks really annoying a lot of relatives….totally understand why people would feel a bit cheated by splashing out on wedding expenses to attend a non wedding with no plan in place for a legal ceremony.

I wouldn't feel strongly about this. The vows are the important part.

Hmm, my first husband and I did the opposite.

We had the registry office wedding with a handful of people and had planned to the church and reception bit after we graduated Uni.

Well, we never got around to it. We were married and there always seemed to be something more important to spend the money on. Flat, car, holidays. Next thing you know, it’s five years in and we’re getting divorced 🤷‍♀️

They’ll probably end up never getting around to the honeymoon nor the wedding because they’ve already ‘done it’.

Yeah it’s definitely not a normal thing to do. They’re misleading their guests. People go all out for weddings whereas if they had labelled it as “engagement party” or something similar, they probably wouldn’t have gotten the response they wanted? (E.G a huge £300 gift from just one of the guests alone) I’d be pissed tbf. Very pissed. If they commit legally a few months ahead, no ones going to want to acknowledge that as you have all celebrated rather prematurely. Unusual…

I wouldn't have sent off my wedding gift a few weeks before the wedding.

Unless i had been notified of a deadline that the honeymoon had to be paid for by.

Can you cancel the cheque??

The wedding and party afterwards is to celebrate the commitment that the couple have shown, if they aren’t having the official legal part for months then there really is no reason to pretend. Just have the wedding and party after it’s all taken place.

it all seems a bit of a farce pretending to get married before it’s actually happened.

When we got married at the registry office and had a celebrant wedding a few days later, the registry office and celebrant were very clear we did it that way round as they do ask if you've had any ceremonies that could be considered a wedding and there would be extra steps or checks or something. I'm not sure why but maybe they need to look into it properly just incase.

My DH and I once went to a wedding that turned out NOT to be a wedding, but just a ceremony. We did not know until the ceremony, when it was stated clearly during the ceremony.
In their case, the B&G had legally married 2 days earlier, but I still felt Cheated??
It felt that the B&G (and their family) were being deceptive.
I was annoyed/angry, etc, but frankly, I also sort of assumed I was being a bit unreasonable, and have got over it now.
Yes, I know lots of couples have the legal bit separately. So, I think I was annoyed about the deception.
Having the legal ceremony several months or years later is really something, as anything can happen during that time.

I seem to be in the minority as this wouldn’t bother me at all.

it’s still a ceremony where two people say they love each other followed by a party?

I don’t really care about the legality.

as for the gift - as long as they don’t expect a second gift when they do the legal but I don’t really care when they get it.

if they don’t get married? How is it different to people who divorce within a year of the wedding (this has happened after I shelled out for a very expensive gift 😂).

That's like going to a baby shower and spending money on a gift only to find the mum to be sat there with a pillow shoved up her top saying we will ttc 'some time soon'. Ridiculous.

I suppose if they are covering the costs of the party itself, food, venue etc, then it doesn’t really matter what it’s dressed up as. I wouldn’t be paying twice though, it would just be a card from me when the actual marriage was announced.

I couldn’t get worked up about this. Whilst I appreciate marriage is a legal commitment, it doesn’t mean what it used to mean in terms of sanctifying the union. When I got married it was more to express my love for my husband (and vice versa) and making a public declaration of this love, the legalities of it don’t bother me and the religious aspect certainly didn’t - and the same goes for those weddings of friends that I have attended. I couldn’t care less if they’re actually married (and I think one set of my friends isn’t legally married yet, a year after their wedding), I was just glad to be a part of their day where they celebrated their love.

The last 2 wedding I went to (in Scotland) were conducted by a humanist celebrant and they were a legal ceremony.

A party, then, not a wedding.

It all sounds a bit bonkers. It not even an elaborate engagement party as presumably they've already been engaged for some time.
I think I'd be tempted to save giving them a "wedding" present until they were actually married.

Wowww. Pleased for you, though.