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Original poster

Wedding without marriage

289 replies

DelythBeautyQueen · 27/05/2024 13:37

My cousin who lives in North East England was supposed to be getting married next month.

Attending won't be cheap, but we were looking forward to celebrating Anna's and James' special day.

They will have all the trappings of an extravagant wedding. They are not wealthy and have taken out a large loan to pay for for it.

The bride and groom asked guests to give them money for their honeymoon in the Caribbean instead of gifts. We were happy to do that and sent them £300 a few weeks ago.

They originally intended to have the legal marriage ceremony in their local registry office a day or two before the wedding celebration and a non-legal humanist ceremony on the day. I know this is a fairly common thing nowadays and had no problem with it.

I found out last night Anna and James have decided to have the legal ceremony while on honeymoon, not before the "wedding". I wouldn't see this as too much of a problem if they were going straight on honeymoon from the wedding, but they are not.

It turns out that they haven't even booked the honeymoon yet and intend to go "sometime next year".

The "wedding" next month will go ahead exactly as planned. The bride and groom do not intend to tell guests that they won't actually be married. The only reason I know is because my aunt is very upset and told her sister (my mum).

I know that a few members of the family are stretching financially to attend this "wedding" for a couple that will not be married at the end of it and probably won't be married for as much as 18 months after it.

Am I being unreasonable for being angry about this. That we have been deceived into attending a sham wedding?

OP posts:
Utterlyb · 28/05/2024 20:45

Sennelier1 · 28/05/2024 20:09

Oh come on, what makes them married is that they commit themselves to each other. That piece of paper is not about commitment, on the contrary, it's about what to do when you divorce.

Show quote history

Not really - those couples that don’t marry are more likely to separate and kids born to non married parents are more likely to end up with separated parents, hence by definition cohabiting couples are (on average)ultimately could be considered less committed than those who choose to marry .However those differences can be down to differences in characteristics of couples such as socio-economic status and education meaning certain types of people are more likely to marry and certain types to co-habit - so it’s not quite so clear cut.

Bansheed · 28/05/2024 20:36

I got married recently. Due to the nature of DH's work and the finalising of my divorce we got married the moment we could, for the legal and financial protection. This ended up being 5 weeks before our wedding as we had built in a buffer to make sure I was single!

As so many people had travelled from all around the world, we told no-one and celebrated on the day as it meant so much to our guests to be at our wedding. We didn't even tell our children. People get rightly pissed off. We didn't want to tempt fate so rushed it.

This non wedding has a long yerm relatuonahip, one reticent groom, both people late 30s, a huge loan, no legal standing and late attempts to conceive.

My money is on the fact that it will never happen.

LakeTiticaca · 28/05/2024 20:31

It is a bit cheeky but as long as its banging party, I would be OK with it 😄

TowerRavenSeven · 28/05/2024 20:17

What a total sham. Yanbu for being angry at all! I’d wash my hands of it.

Abouttimeforanamechange · 28/05/2024 20:14

That piece of paper is not about commitment, on the contrary, it's about what to do when you divorce.

Or die.

If they are not married, the survivor is often screwed if their partner dies.

Sennelier1 · 28/05/2024 20:09

2chocolateoranges · 28/05/2024 19:21

The legal part is the thing that makes them married, not a party or saying vows in front of people, The legal part is the most important part of a wedding!

Show quote history

Oh come on, what makes them married is that they commit themselves to each other. That piece of paper is not about commitment, on the contrary, it's about what to do when you divorce.

OhcantthInkofaname · 28/05/2024 20:08

My son and his wife got married in April 2021, we had the wedding in July 2021. I was pissed.

ellyeth · 28/05/2024 20:04

Deceitful

Sillyname63 · 28/05/2024 19:38

The mistake you made is sending the "Wedding Gift" in advance I would either have given it to them when you seen them or posted/transferred it no more than 1 week before. They are definitely taking you all for a ride, but I would still attend the " false " wedding celebration to may as well get something for your gift. just make sure if they then have a post ceremony celebration you don't get caught to attend and dish out again.

Angrywife · 28/05/2024 19:33

I'd go so far as to say with no plans for the wedding in place, you're all paying off their loan and I'll be the first to place the bet that the "honeymoon" or holiday never happens!

LilySLE · 28/05/2024 19:31

WindyAnna · 28/05/2024 18:02

We didn't get legally married at our wedding. We decided the night before just to bethroth ourselves to each other, the registrar was being unnecessarily difficult and we decided to cancel her. We explained to people as they arrived that we'd be legally marrying later, with the exception of 1 family member everyone was fine about it. Everyone had a great day. We had a ceremony, just not a legal one, my Dad did a reading, my daughter did a reading, two friends ran the ceremony and me and (my now) DH made vows we had written. We got married legally the following year at a local RO with a much nicer registrar and 2 witnesses.

I don't consider it to have been a "sham" wedding, it's the one we celebrate the anniversary of (when we remember, we are a bit rubbish at that). Everyone has said what a fabulous day it was - 20+ years later people mention our brilliant "non-wedding", even the person who initially had a problem with it.

Each to their own, it's a shame that you have had to stretch yourself for it but try to enjoy the day for what it is.

Curious as to what the registrar did that meant you had to cancel her?! 😳

bakebeans · 28/05/2024 19:22

this is very odd if you ask me! Why have they changed having the legal ceremony here? It’s doesn’t cost very much.

2chocolateoranges · 28/05/2024 19:21

Sennelier1 · 28/05/2024 17:59

If two people love each other and declare their love for eachother in whatever ceremony they choose then in my eyes they are married. Be it a civil partnership, an exchange of vows or whatever, to me they're married. The legal part is only a formality. Nothing to do with how people feel.

The legal part is the thing that makes them married, not a party or saying vows in front of people, The legal part is the most important part of a wedding!

DungballInADress · 28/05/2024 19:17

Normally on MN with weddings YA almost always BU but in this case YANBU at all.

My sister did something similar - married on the Wednesday, "wedding" on the Saturday. But they were clear from the start. No guest turned up expecting an actual wedding.

We are going to a wedding evening do in June. The date and venue has been changed 3 times and was only finalised last week, it isnt licenced for weddings and all suitable celebrants are unavailable for Saturdays in June (shocker) so they are getting married the day before, but haven't told anyone (my friend is bridesmaid and let it slip). It's the not telling anyone that is the issue here.

They are CFs and they don't deserve your kind generosity.

Delphiniumandlupins · 28/05/2024 19:09

Iwasafool · 27/05/2024 20:06

How judgemental. How does it affect her?

Show quote history

It affects her because she is carrying out a legal function, she is not playing at marrying people.

LaurieFairyCake · 28/05/2024 19:07

lol

NOT a wedding, just a party where you get to pay for their holiday !!

Cheeky fuckers of the HIGHEST order !

Bet you A TENNER they don't get married and you'll all have just paid for them to go on holiday 😂

DiduAye · 28/05/2024 19:05

How exactly is this impacting you and why are you so invested and upset about it Your aunt shouldn't have told your mother and your mother shouldn't have told you and let's hope Anna and James aren't their real names because you shouldn't have told their business on t'internet ! YABVU

HouseofPies · 28/05/2024 18:50

They’re CF’s of the highest order or is it just the groom to be?

If it was my cousin, I’d be asking her if this is really what SHE wants or has she been manipulated into agreeing to it by her fiancé after the invitations were already sent out?

From what you’ve said, they told everyone they planned to get married a few days before the ‘wedding’ so why the sudden change of heart and effectively a sham ceremony if they’re not planning to tell all the guests?

They've been living together for years already so I don’t believe the story about a wedding abroad maybe next year. I’d be suspicious that he’s been caught cheating and she’s now got cold feet…

TBH, I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole thing blows up in their faces and they break up.

ProverbialBoot · 28/05/2024 18:39

Duplicitous.

crockofshite · 28/05/2024 18:29

ManilowBarry · 27/05/2024 20:11

I would ask for my money back as it was a wedding gift and no wedding will be taking place dow the foreseeable future and you're not giving them money just to host a party.

Awks

I'd consider the wedding gift given, so whenever they decide to sign the legal paperwork, and if they decide to have another do to celebrate the actual wedding, you don't need to give anything else.

DMC6274 · 28/05/2024 18:26

MountCaramel · 27/05/2024 20:31

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Send this to the couple, they'll be up the creek without a paddle if they separate or die before having a legal ceremony l.

I really don't understand posts like this. For what it's worth I'm married, but I think there's a real snobbery to unmarried couples on Mumsnet sometimes.

How do you know they'd be up shit creek without a paddle? Maybe they don't own any property so there would be nothing for the other partner to inherit if one of them died? Maybe one of them has tons of debt so the other one could end up worse off if they were married than if they weren't?

They are adults, they don't need to be patronised by the OP sending them this link.

LivelyBlake · 28/05/2024 18:21

Albatrossing · 27/05/2024 14:34

hmmm... this is interesting. My fiance and I are having a wedding this year, and saying vows and having a celebration, even though we aren't going to be able to be legally married until a good 9 months after that (for very boring, practical reasons -- nothing to do with divorces or anything!). For us, we want to say the vows in front of our families and make a commitment, even though we won't be able to do the 'legal' bit for a while. I hope none of our friends or family feel upset or angry or deceived about this... we want them to celebrate with us, even though the legal bit will happen a while after. Could this be the case here?

Just postpone the party 9 months and have on the same week, or better still same day, as the wedding.

Sxdrivemismatch · 28/05/2024 18:16

This is definitely YANBU! We done the opposite…we got married in private last year and have our wedding in a few weeks. Feels very cheeky of them to be honest.

vincettenoir · 28/05/2024 18:13

I went to a wedding where there was no legal
marriage and this wasn’t widely understood by all the guests. There was some legal complication and they married legally a few weeks later.

It didn’t bother me and on the day it felt very much like a wedding. The celebrations were beautiful.

But, I think this situation is different as the wedding and honeymoon are happening 18 months later. A lot could happen in that time. What if they split up? It feels a bit off to me. It just doesn’t make a lot of sense.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 28/05/2024 18:13

I'd ask for my money back