Wedding without marriage

I would say that the religious ceremony without the legal part is not a marriage.

The danger with religious only ceremonies is that they keep the un-economically active partner (normally the woman) in a subservient, vulnerable role. She can't rock the boat because legally he has all the advantages. If she walks away it is likely to be with very little.

All the handfasting, plighting of troths, declarations of undying love etc get made in a loved up bubble but mean nothing. Without the legal part they trap the gullible, the uneducated, the self-deluding.

At any given moment you can go on the Relationship board and find sad threads where yet another woman is trapped in an awful situation with children but no legal rights to the home she lives in because the legal part didn't seem important at the start.

Your aunt (mother of the bride?) must be devastated, knowing she won’t actually be able to watch her child get married.

This sounds more like an elaborate engagement party. Bit of a cheek tbh, but if it were me I’d go and enjoy the food and try and make the best of it.

I went to Spain for a ‘wedding’ but they actually got married in a registry office here first. Tbh I just feel it’s silly to have an extravagant party when you aren’t actually getting married.

Genuine question - why? Why not just make whatever ceremony you're having legal and get it over with?

I know several people who have had religious ceremonies that aren’t legal in the UK and then signed the paperwork when they got round to it, some have not done the legal bit at all.

would you also be saying that these are sham marriages?

you are being quite disrespectful to your cousin who you say you are close to at the moment all on hearsay. Talk to her get the full picture before you decide that their marriage is a worthless sham that is just there to dupe guests.

@Albatrossing I went to a wedding years ago that was as you describe. The bride's sister was terminally ill and not expected to live much longer (and she did die shortly after). But the groom was awaiting a change to his visa that would have allowed him to legally marry over here. So they had the wedding / wedding party in, say, May, so that the bride's sister could attend, and then did the legal bit in something like December once the groom's immigration status allowed it.
It was a beautiful ceremony. They didn't make a big announcement that that's what they were doing but they were upfront about it and it came up in enough conversations prior to the wedding that I think all the guests knew. As far as I'm aware everyone was sympathetic to their situation and very happy for them.
Obviously that's world's apart from what the OP's relatives are doing - they've unlocked a whole new level of CFery!

No, it’s easy for people to stand up and say pretty words to each other, but unless you actually sign the legal papers you are not, in the eyes of the law, married. All you have done is have a ceremony and a big party, but ultimately you haven’t made the commitment - not in the eyes of the law. I suspect there are men who encourage women to have ‘weddings’ like these so that if they want to split up they can just walk away, or kick the woman out of the house he owns when she has 2 kids and nowhere to go.

Thats fine if that’s all you want, but if you actually want the legal rights and protections of being married a big dress and your granny cooing over the cake isn’t going to cut the mustard.

Another vote for James having cold feet about a legal commitment. This event is just to give Anna the day she wants. The wedding will keep being kicked down the road and probably never happen. It needs to be a secret so that the money comes in to help pay off the loan.

Anna of course may be convincing herself that the wedding will eventually take place rather than accepting that it's not going to happen. He would seem to be the CF. If Anna is fully on board with a sham wedding and not getting married she equally is a CF. If she doesn't realise what is going on she is to be pitied.

If they were just upfront and said that they have no intention of marrying but wanted to celebrate having been together for so long, I don't think people would have a problem with that but they might find the gifts were much smaller in value.

It is in Scotland.

I'd be asking for my money back and NOT attending their party.

However those differences can be down to differences in characteristics of couples such as socio-economic status and education meaning certain types of people are more likely to marry and certain types to co-habit - so it’s not quite so clear cut.

so what you're saying is that "certain types" ie posh well-educated people are more likely to get married that the other "certain types" who live together. Hmmm that's a bit of a give away!

Look, I think it's crazy but it's up to OP at the end of the day. There's a lot to be said for small weddings

The point is they've given their guests the clear impression that they're actually getting married, when they aren't. The OP says as much - they are not telling anyone this fact, and the OP found out by chance.

Weddings = celebration with family and friends = normally attracts some sort of gift/money changing hands.

Thats deceitful. Simple as.

You should absolutely let everyone know. People get very pissed off about things like that. My DH’s cousin got married a month before the ‘wedding’ and didn’t tell many people. Some flew from quite a distance. Once people found out that it wasn’t a real wedding they were very very angry. And it’s not even as ‘provisional’ as a wedding a few months in the future.

They also haven’t thought it through with legalities etc and marriage having to be registered in UK after

Fuck them off and demand your £300 back.

Cheeky fuckers !

I find the idea of celebrating a couple's amazing/true love/soul mate/blah status slightly nauseating when it lacks the key ingredient of legal commitment. It sounds like a couple trying to claim that their non-legal status is somehow better than the common herd.

Me thinks they do protest too much.

It feels such a con. When are they going to admit the truth? I know plenty of people who will wish a couple 'happy anniversary' in 1/5/10 years time. But it will be the anniversary of the day they lied publicly to a lot of people.

I would bet they never actually get round to the real wedding. All the gifted money will get spent on day to day living.

Highlighted to me that weddings are just basically shams anyway. Who cares if it's legally binding

So as far as a guest attending the wedding the only thing that is different is the legality of the wedding? I can’t say it would bother me.

As an aside, in Scotland a humanist can conduct a legally-binding ceremony.

But, it is odd to have a wedding where you've vague plans to marry "lateŕ" and to ask for money towatds a honeymoon that hasnt been booked or planned before the wedding party.

If theyd put plans in place & booked for the legal part to happen then it wouldnt seem as bad. Weddings are a big life event and a major rite of passage so their choice seems peculiar to me.

They are both keen to have children though, which I would have thought is a bigger commitment than marriage.
Having children is a commitment to the children, not to each other.

sounds like james has no intention of marrying anna but realised time is running out for children.

By the way I wouldn't have sent £300 nor would I have expected any money if it were my wedding or party.

Why is it any more risky than their current status of boyfriend and girlfriend? It would be easier to split after a year if they're not married.

I wouldn’t say it’s even a wedding then! A wedding is to celebrate a marriage.

I think this too. One or other of them, or both, have got cold feet and they don't want to cancel the 'party' so they have come up with this. It's a sham and they will probably never get legally married