Wedding without marriage

yes, there are good reasons (but outing as i said upthread). Everyone i've told so far has just been really happy for us and happy to celebrate with us. I can see people on this thread think it's wrong though, and that's helpful to know and to think through who doesn't know.

Yeah they are CFs but quite inventive ones - like PP said you've all been conned into paying for their destination wedding. I kinda admire the cheek if I'm honest!

I feel for your aunt though, she must be really embarrassed.

Like you say these legal ceremony plus separate humanist wedding celebrations are very common now, less so when me and DH did it. But custom hasn't changed - the legal marriage must be planned & booked within a day or two of the big do, otherwise guests would rightly feel miffed. I don't think it matters whether it's before or after the do but one should follow the other pretty closely.

So they are still doing the humanist ceremony / exchange of vows at the wedding event?

I assume this is the bit that means most to them, the public declaration, as they made this the grand event rather than the registry office.

Humanist ceremonies can be very powerful and moving.

It really wouldn’t bother me that they tacked the legal bit on to their honeymoon.

People do things in different ways these days.

I wouldn’t fan the flames to create a family feud here, I would just be happy for them, enjoy the humanist ceremony and wedding event.

The whole point of a wedding is the legal bit. That’s the bit that creates a legal partnership between two people with rights and responsibilities in terms of property and joint children. The rest is just fluff. Once you strip away the flowers and cars and party and dresses and all the rest of the gumph, the only thing that’s important is the legally binding marriage certificate. If that’s not happening then there’s no point in going, unless you’re desperate to go to a big, expensive, party.

Sounds like a storyline from The Archers.

well, we can't postpone it at this stage, but this thread has given me good food for thought on if anyone who is coming doesn't know, and that we can make it clear to them, in case they're not happy.

I think its cf’ery to take out a loan for the fake wedding in order to raise cash for the exotic honeymoon. Essentially this is a massive grift masquerading as a wedding.

Then postpone it until you can be married, clearly from this thread doing one without the other will be seen as highly inappropriate by many

annoyingly it's too outing to give the reason. I've told my close friends and family that we can't do the legal bit and they understand that. Maybe we should tell everyone. i'll have a think!

We are committing to each other by making promises publicly, and we want our family and friends round us. The reasons we can't do the legal bit are outing, so i won't share, but i can understand why you can't think of a reason! it's very annoying!

Unbelievable CFs

Why wouldn't you have the public celebration the same week as your legal wedding?
Do your friends and family know you won't be getting married for the best part of a year after your 'wedding'?

But what are you and they celebrating? You're not making a commitment until the legal ceremony. Divorces aside, I can't think of many reasons why you'd have to wait 9 months to book a registry office

Would you feel comfortable with writing off the £300 and not wasting your time or money going to the non wedding? You're fortunate to know, I assume not all the invitees will.

Exactly.

What's the point in all this if it isn't legal and they haven't even booked a wedding yet.

It's not a wedding if there is no marriage. I'd not bother to go. I'd be furious I'd sent them £300 for what is essentially a party, nothing more.

hmmm... this is interesting. My fiance and I are having a wedding this year, and saying vows and having a celebration, even though we aren't going to be able to be legally married until a good 9 months after that (for very boring, practical reasons -- nothing to do with divorces or anything!). For us, we want to say the vows in front of our families and make a commitment, even though we won't be able to do the 'legal' bit for a while. I hope none of our friends or family feel upset or angry or deceived about this... we want them to celebrate with us, even though the legal bit will happen a while after. Could this be the case here?

This

Well, as you say, OP, the whole things a sham. They're just having a big fancy party that all the guests are expected to pay for; so far you've paid £300 towards it. I'd be bloody furious.

I'd be very tempted to ask for my money back and not go to their rip-off party.

I'm not surprised your aunt is upset. She must feel so embarrassed, and extremely ashamed of these two horribly grabby people.

It’s weird. The point of a wedding is to celebrate the marriage. If the marriage isn’t happening for maybe another 2 years, it’s bonkers to have a wedding.

Fwiw, we had a humanist wedding that wasn’t legally binding, but we had our actual legal registry wedding the same day in the morning. We wanted the humanist ceremony, but needed to sort the legals out too. Our wedding party came to the registry one, then we had our humanist ceremony with everyone and the party celebrated both.

That said, I know someone who has had not one, not two, but THREE weddings without a marriage. Her partner won’t marry her for financial reasons (concerned about protecting his assets), so they have somehow over the years thrown three ‘weddings’ white dress, bridesmaids, reception, dancing, the lot! She’s anxious I think about her image as an unmarried woman and keeps doing these big showy weddings to make a point about how committed they really are to each other. I think everyone is pretty fed up after the third one though.

Well, who am I to judge them... But somehow I am judging. YANBU. By the sound of it, they are doing it for the cash, holiday and social media photos alone. Quite shallow.

A wedding without getting married is a party. I'd not spend a fortune on attending a party.

Are you just paying for a fancy holiday?