Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bf doesn't understand grief

108 replies

Starlive23 · 27/05/2024 08:25

I haven't posted in such a long time but i need some perspective.
My bf and i have been together just under 18m. Do not live together but see each other 3/4 times p/w.
Recently my stepfather of 24y passed away from quite a short but intense illness. Obviously everyone is devestated.
My bf unfortunately hasn't been as understanding as i had hoped, more or less treating it as though life would be normal.
He's a weed smoker so very often falls asleep at random times and won't text me til the next day. The week my sf died, he had basically fallen asleep almost every night, tried to call him, just for a chat i suppose to help process it all. But he wasn't answering.
Fast forward to the day of the funeral/wake and i started to feel angry about him always being asleep. Said I didn't want to but i think possibly this is a deal breaker and maybe we would be better off split. Argument ensues and he starts to say he isn't coming to the wake and not to contact him for 3 days as he needs space. Well that really hurt. I respected his wishes but felt thoroughly dreadful. Now he expects us to go back to normal. Am i overreacting?...sorry its so long, there is so much more but feel I've already written a novel here!

OP posts:
BeaRF75 · 27/05/2024 11:25

Many of us don't understand grief, but I think your big problem with this guy is that he's permanently stoned! How can you have a relationship with someone who is such a waste of space?

Lifelong · 27/05/2024 11:23

What age are you OP?
Why would you want a druggie for a partner?
How do you imagine the future plays out in a relationship with someone who's priority in life is drugs?
Who chooses his circle of friends to be similarly consumed with drug taking?
Long term use of week is a bloody disaster for so many.
Men like this are not father material thats for sure.
You deserve better.

IfMichaelMosleysVoiceWasWrittenasMusicalScore · 27/05/2024 11:14

he knows how to get me back on side

You know too, so if you're going to have any further interaction with him you can forestall his efforts but I agree with PP, you really don't need to have any further communication with him if you'd rather not.

PotatoPudding · 27/05/2024 11:03

I am so sorry for your loss.

I went out with a weed smoker years ago and found that the weed always came first. If he can’t step up to the plate when you are grieving for a close family member, he won’t step up for anything else.

I think you owe it to yourself to find someone better.

daisychain01 · 27/05/2024 10:59

Not strictly his fault as i suppose i wouldn't expect someone to miss something like that

please stop making excuses for him and get him out of your life. He's a drag on your happiness, he's selfish and lacks empathy, which is completely in character for the drug addict that he is.

you shouldn't even have to be thinking like this during the time of your bereavement Flowers

Tagyoureit · 27/05/2024 10:58

Please dump this man-child!

He's not the one!

Sorry for your loss!

Didimum · 27/05/2024 10:57

He’s a grown man. Of course he understands grief. He just doesn’t care about you because he’s an arsehole.

CadyEastman · 27/05/2024 10:56

*take

CadyEastman · 27/05/2024 10:55

I'm so sorry about your DSF, losing a DP can be so hard can't it.

You've asked of you are overreacting, I'd say you are massively under reacting and you need to kick him out of your life completely. He's not bringing any benefit to having him in your life whatsoever. You deserve so much more.

I wouldn't even bother to tell him, just block him, tack some time to grieve and plan a few nice things to do, even if it's just a walk or a chat with family Flowers

HcbSS · 27/05/2024 10:53

Get rid of this disgusting waste of space.
so sorry for your loss.

lilybloom2 · 27/05/2024 10:51

So sorry for your loss

I was married to a man like this
It doesn't get better it gets worse

Weed isn't the harmless smoke it's often portrayed as

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 27/05/2024 10:50

He’s probably very messed up and depressed and is using the weed and sleep to escape daily life which he cannot bear. He needs help to get off the weed and fix whatever the underlying issue is he’s trying to shut out.

However it’s not your job to give that help. If you think I might be right, dump him firmly and clearly and tell him honestly and candidly why, and that he absolutely needs to get help. But walk away and never go back.

PBandJ111 · 27/05/2024 10:45

It’s not that he doesn’t understand grief, he’s just a selfish dick who doesn’t care about you to respond in a normal way by supporting you. Dump him for good.

PonyPatter44 · 27/05/2024 10:42

I am sorry for your loss. You've had brilliant advice here, so I will just add, your boyfriend is a waste of oxygen. A 31 year old stoner is a pitiful thing. Get rid.

Apileofballyhoo · 27/05/2024 10:38

OP dont get to your late 30s or 40s with kids and a useless waste of space non supportive partner. Regardless of the choice of drug this man is an addict. I assume if he was constantly drunk you might be more aware of what a massive problem it is. I dont know what age you are but at his age with a long term girlfriend the conversation should be starting to be about the future. Any decent non addict man would have been by your side helping to get you through a difficult time. Even plenty of decent people with addictions would have been more supportive. This guy adds nothing to your life. He doesnt help you.

Are you paying for him on nights out or stuff you want to do together?

Spend some time on yourself and figuring out why this kind of treatment is acceptable to you. I used to go from one relationship to another without seeing the wood for the trees even though I did counselling and so on I still deep down didnt believe I deserved better. Read the relationships board on here, you'll see all the women who deserved far far better but didnt realise it until they had kids with some useless selfish arsehole.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Original poster
Starlive23 · 27/05/2024 10:38

I never expected so much support from people i don't know, especially hearing all the experiences of grieving. I know what i have to do. Won't be easy as he knows how to get me back on side but I'd be lying if i was to say our relationship could ever recover from this

OP posts:
INeedAPensieve · 27/05/2024 10:10

Juliet194 · 27/05/2024 09:39

One of the few positives about grief is that it tends to be an excellent filter for any shitty people in your life.

Get rid. ASAP. Then block and delete his number.

This is so so true. Grief gives you perspective on the things that matter. When my sister died I was devastated and I remember one of my friends saying my grief (including the two years of hell we went through as she went through cancer and various surgeries) was not as bad as her "grief" about her BF splitting up with her because my sister didn't "choose" to leave me.

I was struck dumb at the time by the insensitivity of the comment I actually don't think I said anything back. However that was the beginning of the end of the friendship for me. There were other bad behaviours but that stuck with me the most. We no longer speak and she's out of my life. A mutual friend has also done the same with her, for her own reasons but we were shown her true colours.

I'm so sorry about your step dad and sending love. Grief is hard and make sure you surround yourself with the right people now and dump this man. 💐

IfMichaelMosleysVoiceWasWrittenasMusicalScore · 27/05/2024 10:05

There are some people in life who can't stand when something takes your full attention away from them so they will do anything they can to make the situation all the worse. I suspect even without the weed this dick would be one of those.

I'm sorry for your loss @Starlive23 Flowers

Birch101 · 27/05/2024 10:02

Defintely put him in the past and move on.

I'm sorry for your loss, my step-dad passed away just over a year ago and the other night we were watching TV in bed and I was shattered and under the weather and looked quite teary and my partner asked if I was OK, having sad/bad thoughts basically checking in, he looks after our little one when I go the GP for support. Whilst he has no experience with mental health/grief of a parental loss I know he has tried to be supportive, and that includes when it comes to my mum too.

Take care of yourself and your family and when your ready find a grown up who is both physically and emotionally present for you x

NotTheMrMenAgain · 27/05/2024 09:56

For the love of all of the gods, OP, everything
more you say about this tosser makes him sound even worse! He had a ‘great time’ at his heavy drug taking weekend festival and hoped you were having a great time as well? W T actual F. He has the empathy and emotional
intelligence of a house brick.

Please move on and don’t waste much more head space on this selfish loser.

Original poster
Starlive23 · 27/05/2024 09:51

I think deep down i always knew i was putting more into the relationship, but i really did love him. The weekend after (so, this weekend) he went to a festival with his friends. I was initially invited but then told i wouldn't like it because there would be a lot of heavy drug use (I'm not into drugs but each to their own) so essentially uninvited . I obviously wouldn't have gone this weekend anyway as it turned out but he admits he had a great time and hoped i was having a great time too (bit soon, still visiting my mum daily to check in as shes still understandably distraught). It made me feel worse. Not strictly his fault as i suppose i wouldn't expect someone to miss something like that, but the fact that he was there with his whole friendship group dancing and having fun just shows me how far apart we are atm and really, his lack of care and or understanding

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 27/05/2024 09:50

Even small children understand when someone is upset and will often try to comfort them.

If he never shows empathy and compassion to anyone in any situation he is probably a psychopath. If he is only like that with you then he doesn’t like you let alone love you. Stop wasting your time on him

Juliet194 · 27/05/2024 09:39

One of the few positives about grief is that it tends to be an excellent filter for any shitty people in your life.

Get rid. ASAP. Then block and delete his number.

Startingagainandagain · 27/05/2024 09:32

He is a selfish, weed-smocking waste of space.

Dump him. He brings nothing to your life.

StormingNorman · 27/05/2024 09:27

Starlive23 · 27/05/2024 09:03

Yes i agree. I wasn't clear with what i was saying and he's pulled me up on this. I text him back (although i think he blocked me) asking if i could come after to explain or if he could meet me (an hour or so after the argument) and said i wanted to work on things and that obviously i was a little all over the place, but he was very black and white about it and said i shouldn't have mentioned a split if it wasn't what i wanted, which i agree with. I was just at a very low point and pissed off with all his excuses.

Show quote history

He should have tried to be more understanding. I hope you managed to not spend the day distracted x