AIBU to expect my 3yo DS to do what he's told occasionally?

DD used to have epic meltdowns at that age, I wouldn’t say she was totally defiant though. You wouldn’t believe it was the same child seeing her at 16. She’s so compliant it’s untrue! It’s a tough age, hang on in there. Have you tried the basics like a sticker child for doing everyday things like getting dressed without problem etc? Worth a try

Sounds like childcare would do him the world of good.

It’s more the point about not saying No and facilitating what he wants by stripping for him. I would be interested in empathy too. Does he have any feelings for others yet? It’s a bit early but a new baby is coming. I cannot imagine how the OP will manage unless DS goes to nursery PDQ.

Well as I said he's not doing it anymore except literally 2 seconds every few nights so no, he obviously won't be doing at 15 will he? And the op's kid isn't even 3 so I don't think she needs to stress about him doing at 15 either 🙄

@Fivebyfive2 4.5 isn’t little. It’s school age. Dc really cannot have what they want all the time. When will touching a boob stop? At 15? Just say no more and mean it.

I've just seen the posts about him cuddling and holding a boob. I had this with ds too, I breastfed him until 2 and when I weaned he'd hold a boob to go to sleep instead of feeding.

He'd also want to do this when he was upset but I felt this was too much so we managed to stop that with a mix of constantly saying No and also big praise when he left it and didn't kick off.

He's 4.5 now and doesn't bother at all except very occasionally going to sleep if he's struggling (sleep is a big thing in our house) he'll literally put a hand on me for 2 seconds then take it off again. It just calms him, like he's "checking in" in his way.

Try not to feel judged, he's only little.

I mean the kid isn't even 3 years old, it's pretty common at that age, at least it was with alot of mums I know.

I'm absolutely not saying it's not a possibility, but it's just not the first thing I'd jump to with a young toddler.

I'd try and avoid long explanations, they're too much for them to process. Also, don't frame stuff as requests, so like rather than "can you please sit on the potty?" try "you need a wee, sit on the potty" My ds got bored sitting on it so we'd read, sing, even put a hey Duggee on in the early days.

How's his speech? My son LOVED correcting us. So when he was fighting getting dressed, we'd get sat his red trousers and say "right, let's put these green trousers on" and he'd be so busy correcting us about the colour he'd be less resistant to actually getting the trousers on.

How is he with other settings, like nursery or grandparents for example?

It sounds like you're doing your best in a hard situation op so go easy on yourself. X

My eldest (who does have ASD) went through a phase of this at around the same age (not saying he has ASD, just as others have mentioned it). I found making things into a game was the best way to get things done so saying ‘I bet you can’t get your pyjamas on before I count to 10 etc’ (then very slowly counting so that she won), making things into a race against you if trying to walk somewhere. This works well with DD2 who can be very obstinate as well.

DD1 also had massive issues settling at one nursery setting, we went to view a few until we found one where she seemed to take more of a liking to it during the visit and she settled much faster.

ive got 2 children, never had a behavioural issue with them, and one is Neurodivergent.

Good for you. My son is autistic, has violent meltdowns that nobody has given us any real help with except to tell us we're doing everything right. Which is not helpful when you're being punched and bitten. Fortunately a more appropriate school setting has helped DS regulate better, but he was lucky to get that place and I don't know what would have happened otherwise.

He sounds a PITA. Sorry, but he sounds an absolute nightmare!

im very surprised your parents are willing to look after him as often as they do.

why are you cuddling with your top off, it’s inappropriate, he’s not a newborn.

you seem to be confused with the meaning of meltdown. What you’re describing is tantrum.

stop bribing, you’re compromising with him. Tell him what he’s doing, and he’s doing it.

ive got 2 children, never had a behavioural issue with them, and one is Neurodivergent.

you need to sort him out and sharpish, otherwise as he gets older he will make your life hell.

You see this is where MN is interesting as that doesn’t look like PDA at all to me: it looks like a three year old with a heavily pregnant mother. I’m not diagnosing and by all means bear it in mind but just sometimes we can want to jump to conclusions that aren’t necessarily correct.

There are several indicators of autism in what you have written so I would bear that in mind for the future.

Read up on PDA and I’d suggest using the approaches recommended there. It doesn’t mean that he has PDA but it’s often a good way to get a child to feel they have control and are choosing to do what you want them to do.

A child can't be excluded from a nursery or pre school for not being clean & dry. It doesn't matter whether it's private or part of a school. The Early Years department at your local authority will be able to advise you.

I have a climber too, he has never liked high chairs. Also not hugely motivated by food. I do think you’re putting too much pressure on both of you with the potty training though. It can be a long road <eyes DS>

Ugh three. I couldn’t wait to get out of terrible twos but THREE.

Actually there is hope. Ds is three and a half and is human again. I told him to get off a bouncy castle yesterday (his time was up) and he gave me the Look and went to go back so I repeated myself more firmly and he did as he was told. Even I was shocked 🤣

Its normal. I had this. ‘Ooh look, Bluey is on!’ IT’S NOT BLUEY. Repeating himself endlessly - ‘mummy I want a banana’ - sorry there aren’t any but would you like an apple or cheese? ‘Mummy I want a BANANA!’ X 50!

Its normal. The running thing I tend to find is when they just want to wind you up and I used to tense up and it made life worse.

He needs to go to a private nursery where they change nappies. Your new baby will cause him more issues. I feel for the baby and you. So do get him in a nursery.

You let him play with your boobs? Just no. You are going to have to say no and weather these storms. Who on earth does this? With his repeating what he wants, just leave him in a safe space and put on the radio. Or take him to your GP.

Have you considered nursery, part time with the free hours, starting in September? Even if you have grandparents doing free childcare, 3 is the age to get them ready for school.
A half day slot at a nursery attached to a primary school might be best and they will have the staff to help identity any issues, suggest mitigation strategies for you to try and start you on referral pathways if that is deemed necessary.

(But it might not be necessary! He is still young)

@ohidoliketobe23

My DD didn't eat. She went to nursery and thrived. I know it costs money but he needs to go to nursery. You need to see what professionals think because school is looming and he will be very difficult there. So you need professionals in a nursery to see if there's a concern or not. If he gets upset, too bad now. He's upset with you. Bite the bullet.

Long meltdowns don't sound particularly 'normal'.

But it maybe a response to feeling out of control because by your own admission there is no clear 1 set of boundaries for him.

Start by setting expectations before you go.

"We will be going into Tesco. We can look at the toys but we aren't buying any. If you can do this without a tantrum we can look next time we go".

Then the next time you either deal with the tantrum because he didn't leave well or go to look at the toys again because he did having explained again about not buying.

It won't happen overnight but he'll soon learn.

Also if he dies have a long tantrum it may be that he misses out on other stuff. Explain to him. We didn't have time to do X because .....

Perhaps use visuals. Set a visual schedule of all the things he needs to do in the morning.

There may or may not be underlying send. But until you have very clear strict boundaries without bribes that everyone is sticking to you'll not be clear what the underlying cause of the behaviour is.m

This sounds very normal to me for that age. One thing that sometimes helps, is giving them a choice where you can... blue bowl/pink bowl, this toothbrush or that one... gives them a bit more control.

Only potty train when you think he's ready, don't push it.

Yes, I agree with previous poster, if he's like that in cafes and restaurants, it's not worth the stress. Meet outside. Your friends child may be angelic now... but may not be a few years down the line.

My oldest was like your son. My youngest like your friend's, and boy, did he make up for it later. They are both big now, and lovely people. It's exhausting when you're going through it though.

It sounds normal – apart from the 4hr meltdowns. Are they really continuous for 4hrs?

My twins were both like this (though twins often are because they rile each other up), and at 6yrs old they still aren’t great when they’re together.

One thing I learnt from a parenting guru type which really stuck was to never ask them to do something twice. Ask them once, if they don’t do it, remove the distraction (if there are any), take them by the hand and take them to do it. It makes it less likely that you will snap and less likely for them to dig their heels in because they are being asked and exerting their boundaries.

Yes, I’d stop trying to do things that are clearly a nightmare and wholly unnecessary like a trip to the zoo.

In the park, use the reins or a pushchair when it’s time to leave. Mine was in reins well past three because he was a bolter.

And yes, I would have locked mine with me in the bathroom at that stage when I knew they needed to pee. And I did hold mine firmly and brush their teeth, and shove medicine in as well. Some things are non negotiable.