Not wanting to talk to my Aunt and Uncle anymore

They did their best and looked after you. I think you’re being harsh.

OP you sound like you have had a tougher road to hoe than most. I can’t imagine how disorientating it must have been as a young child to be abandoned by your parents like that. Especially your mother.

I do think that being abandoned like you were can truly mess with your sense of attachment and mean you don’t feel deeply embedded with anyone - even your aunt and uncle that effectively raised you.

if your aunt and uncle were otherwise mostly good enough parents - I would council that you express your anger to them and try to move past it with them. It’s good to know that people love us enough to hold space for our anger and that sometimes people can make poor decisions with good intentions - and that those can be overcome.

if your aunt and uncle weren’t ideal caretakers. If you have other unaddressed issues with them and you have other secure relationships (even just with a therapist) and feel like you can let them go - then by all means do so.

but I suspect that once the current emotional storm thrown up by this facebook message settles - then your gut won’t do you dirty here. Take a beat then listen to your self!

Wise words from @Dontbeme

Sending you a handhold OP, I have a complicated family background and recently some long held secrets came tumbling out and I was left feeling betrayed and confused as to what I was supposed to do with it all. It's tough.

I suspect your instinct to cut off your aunt and uncle is because you are hurting in the moment and these are the people you felt safest with and trusted the most, that is why their withholding information is hurting most. I say give yourself time and maybe consider speaking to a therapist as that abandonment wound can be a life long struggle (speaking from experience there too).

I sympathise with you, OP. Secrecy and duplicity in families only serves to cause more distress when the truth gets out.

If your Aunt & Uncle had reacted to your knowing the truth with apologies and reasoning that amounted to them wanting to shield you from harm/hurt then I'd say you should try to forgive them and move on but this whole 'act out' thing is so weird.

If they didn't tell you the truth because they wanted an easy life then that's pretty low of them. They could have at least told you when you were an adult.

It seems like your Mum has had a relationship with step children and that must be really painful for you. I agree with PPs that you need to find out more information to really know what happened and then you can decide if you want these people in your life.

Sometimes it can be hard to find the right time to tell someone you love something that could really hurt them and possibly derail their lives. They were in a difficult position. What if you had turned on them and asked them why the hell they were telling you something like that?

I would try and find some compassion for them, especially if you have felt loved by them.

This is your birth mother's mess.
She's a piece of work, not to mind your father.

Ah op I'm sorry, you're getting a lot of responses on here that are quite unfair.

You were a child and you deserved people to raise you kindly and honestly just as any child does. You don't owe your aunt and uncle anything more than any child owes anyone who raises them.

It's perfectly understandable that you're angry that they decided not to share information about your immediate family even though I can see they probably did think it was a kindness at the time.

I think this has probably been a shock, especially the way you've got this information. But I think you need to sit with it for a bit and take your time to think about it. Over time you might find you've more questions you would like answers to and you may only have a limited time to have those conversations. So I wouldn't be too hasty to make any firm decisions incase later you do want to get more information.

If you need to take some space from your aunt and uncle that's OK but I would make sure you're getting some counselling or other support for yourself to help you resolve this because it sounds like overall they've been a positive feature in your life and it might be a shame to lose that forever if they have generally made you feel loved and secure in life.

Basically op you don't owe anyone anything, you don't NEED to do anything other than what sits right for you but I would say you do need to be prepared to feel different things as time goes on and the understandable feelings of anger and betrayal maybe ease a bit.

Could it be that your anger at your mum being projected onto the only people who have been there for you?

Have they been loving parental figures, your aunt and uncle? They didn’t tell you which is wrong, but maybe they didn’t want to cause you pain they saw as unnecessary? Perhaps they saw your mum as part of your past and why torment you with new information?

why would they have told you she remarried though? isn't that like rubbing the salt into the wound?

"oh hey by the way you know that woman who abandoned you and doesnt love you and has nothing to do with you and who you will probably never see again in your life? Well shes now playing happy families and is married with step sons"

Like what's the point. Your hurt fair enough but going NC just on that basis is wild.
Also you say you never acted out but i find it hard to believe, most kids i know says they were well behaved or normal as teens / kids and i have to laugh knowing what i know about them 😂Even my cousin believes she was an easy child.. SHE WAS NOT!

Parenting is not easy but im sure your aunt and uncle tried.

I can understand your hurt. Neither of my parents raised me, I was left to relatives as well. But I did see my mam a few time a year so not the exact same.

I would think they were probably doing it to protect you. I think over all I was a pretty happy child. I found out in my 20s my dad had gone on to have a whole other family and I just didn't feature. It did hurt and I don't know how that would have felt as a teenager

But I do think it would be hugely unfair to go NC with your aunt/ uncle over this. You might think they should have gone about it in and a different way but they didn't. I probably wouldn't have told you either because I'm not really sure what it would have achieved bar hurting you

You do realise if your Aunt and Uncle had not taken you in you'd have been put into care. Think about that and how different your life might have turned out. Your Aunt and Uncle probably didn't know what to do for the best. If they brought you up loved you and cared for you why would you turn against them?

I wouldn't do anything at the moment except have a very good think about it. The contact has come out of the blue and that's a shock. It calls into question perhaps certainties that you had about your relationship with your aunt and uncle and that has destabilised your world perhaps. I would probably think ok so I'm going to have a think about it fir a couple of weeks, allow yourself the time to process this avalanche of information before doing anything.

I expect your aunt and uncle thought it would upset you to learn that your mum hadn’t bothered to look after you, but had created a family unit with a new man and new kids. It sounds like they were trying to protect you from more pain. If they were kind to you and brought you up lovingly, then I think it would be cruel of you to punish them for trying to save you from hurt. If they were nasty and uncaring, then that’s different.

I have a close girlfriend who was brought up by her father, 50years ago that was very unusual.

Her parents were both very young, and her mother ran off, years later, her mother confessed she couldn’t cope with the enormity of it all.

When my friend was a teenager, living a very frugal life, no money etc, she used to dream about her mother apparently.

Years later, by chance met her half sister and the meeting of her mother etc went well for a few months, but things were said, the mother tried to rewrite history, sadly for her mother her daughter knew things she was saying was not true.

Dont write anyone off, people do things, not always rightly, but in difficult circumstances such as these, decisions are made, and I know from being one, to having one, teenage girls aren’t as angelic as they like to think :-)

I think it depends on how your aunt and uncle were with you on the whole. From what you've said they sound amazing - what would have happened if they didn't take you in and raise you? Would you have gone into the care system?

You owe a lot to these people - it takes a huge amount to a raise a child that isn't your own. Also I don't see them not telling you that your mum remarried into a family with other kids as a huge deal - presumably your mum didn't invite you to the wedding or want you to be part of her new life? In that case your aunt and uncle were likely protecting you. Don't cut off the people who have selflessly shown you love.

' they knew I'd "act out" which is weird because I wasn't a kid who often acted out. '

they clearly thought / felt differently

' I was only ever really moody and naughty as a child on the rare occasions that I was sick '

that's your view, but do you think you are agreeing now that you did indeed act out...

and by going nc now, as an adult, that they would think you are acting out ?

You are angry at the people that helped raise you rather than let you go into care? This seems misjudged to me.
They did nothing wrong and I’d seek counselling as you’re obviously harbouring a lot of hurt around your mother.

I imagine your aunt and uncle tried to protect you. You were only twelve, and no doubt had already been through so much. You were so fortunate to have them op.

It’s your decision as to whether to welcome back your mother and family. Have you had counselling and therapy?

OP have you had any kind of help to process your difficult childhood? I don't know what the "right" thing is regarding going NC with your aunt and uncle but I'd be careful of making a hasty decision that you might regret later.

It sounds like your Aunt and Uncle made a judgement call on what to tell you. You clearly are angry but, unless they mistreated you, they may have thought they did what was best for you.

By "act out" do they not mean that you might have been upset & not handled it well?

Surely that was a possibility?

Why do you think it was up to them to tell you?

Assuming your aunt and uncle looked after you well and you felt safe and loved, I wouldn't cut them off for this. I'm not sure if you have kids, but sometimes parents or carers that raise them, get it wrong in an attempt to get it right.

I can see how they might have been trying to protect you by not telling you. I mean, it's hurtful to think your mum abandoned you, but then took on 4 step children when she married. Mothering them but not you. Perhaps they just didn't want to make you feel further rejection?

I'm not really big on it parents thinking their kids owe them anything, because parents choose to bring kids into the world. Kids don't ask to be born. But in the case of your aunt and uncle, I think you do need to show some gratitude. They were not responsible for bringing you into this world, but they still took on all the responsibilities that come with it. They didn't have to do that. Again, assuming they were good care givers, it would be a slap on the face for you to cut them off. And like another poster said, if you do cut them off, be prepared to lose them from your life. They may not just want to hang around waiting for you to change your mind.

From an outside perspective it sounds like your aunt and uncle made a judgement call and from your adult perspective you think they made the wrong decision. The thing is though, you can't know how it would have turned out if they had told you at the time. As others have said, I think you are directing your anger at the wrong person. It was your mum who abandoned you and your aunt and uncle took you in. What would the alternative have been - a chaotic life with your mother where you were neglected and didn't feel loved or going in to care? It sounds like you were much better off with your aunt and uncle, even if they didn't always get it quite right (most parents don't). I wouldn't throw away your relationship with them over this (and I say this as someone whose life has been negatively affected by decisions their parents made which they thought were for the best at the time).
I'm so sorry this has caused you so much hurt. Sounds like counselling could be helpful.

i think they were doing it from a good place,
were you in any contact with your mum at all?
they probably felt it was up to your mum to tell you and of course it would have shattered you as a 12 year old