I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

Yes! So this. I'm a fortysomething widow, and in amongst the maelstrom of grief and readjustment I've also had to contend with something I've never had to deal with before, a slight suspicion or change of behaviour amongst (thankfully only a few) friends wives.

I got to know someone about six months ago through my work, a friendly chap, and then met his wife who definitely gave off vibes of "hands off", it was so unsettling!

I'm still deep in my own grief and the idea of anyone else coming into my life romantically is unthinkable at the moment, but I do cherish my friendships.

It's just another shitty aspect of widowhood but one I'd never even considered before it happened to me. Hugs to all going through it, it's rubbish.

The dynamic is completely different. I wouldn't want to go to a couples 'do' on my own (I genuinely struggle to see why anyone would?) nor would I want to be the couple responsible for the only single person there feeling included.

If I became single and still wanted to be included in my friend's couples events I'd tell them to keep inviting me, but I'd take company (a friend, my sister, my daughter).

My mum’s best friend locally and her husband included my mum regularly - on holidays with other couples, dinners or even if they went to the cinema. The depth of friendship was lovely. They met through work when they were mid fifties and mum was already divorced for years so may be easier than a changed dynamic but I think the friendship was just strong and they were kind thoughtful people (and enjoyed my mum’s company! They could natter for hours and hours). I was always so glad mum had that. They were all there for each other through terrible times.

I did used to have events where couples came, like BBQs though, but then anyone could come to those, and in our circles whoever can come comes, so that might often be one half of a couple as the other ones is busy, travelling, working away or whatever as much as widowed. I hate the idea of having a social circle full of couples and excluding to single parents or single women or people who are divorced or haven't settled down yet, it sounds so suffocating.

That said, there are events which are quite couple-oriented. I once went to a wedding, when my husband was very ill, with a couple who took me in their car and they were so kind and generous about it all, and we had a fun time (so I thought!), lovely people will not exclude you.

I don't think people include spare men in everything, but I don't know many single dads though.

Sorry this is happening to you. It's ridiculous. Next time you go for coffee with the wives why not say something like I really would love a weekend break. Anyone up for a weekend away? See what they say.

Sorry for your loss.

Some people can be really horrible about this stuff.

It's not just that you no longer get invited to couple things though. I had "couple" friends where we often did things as couples and also did things without our husbands. I don't get invited to the wives only things either.

This. But if you were a man, you'd still be invited to the couple things and the husband things.

After my husband died, I had a friend who implied I might be after her husband. I told her I didn't want her husband. In fact I didn't know why she wanted her husband.

It's not just that you no longer get invited to couple things though. I had "couple" friends where we often did things as couples and also did things without our husbands. I don't get invited to the wives only things either.

I also had seperate friends where I only really know the women and those friendships have largely continued, whether they were married or not.

Think you misunderstood, if they're friends who invited you when you were part of a couple why wouldn't you still want to see them as a couple. Why the need to not invite the single person along to things anymore unless it's just with the wife?

But perhaps some women are disparate for their husband to be offloaded onto somebody else..........

I remember when DH had to work away for a while as no choice. I stayed behind as DC were doing GCSEs. Immediately all the dinner invites dried up. DH meanwhile got tons of them in his new location, because everyone felt sorry for him.

I don't fool myself that people think I am after their husbands. I just think that people like to entertain in couples, and they don't want an odd woman.

@LondonFox , I think you misinterpreted @HoHoHoliday 's post.
She's not desperate to spend time with her friend's husband.

That is so sad OP 😔 I'd never consider treating my friend directly after her divorce. My other friend has Ben single and in a couple lots of times over our friendship.

They must be very insecure women!

If I'm going out with my husband it's very much us time, a rare opportunity where work/family/elderly parents/children aren't distracting us. People are allowed to make that choice, we're all allowed to prioritise our relationships as we see fit, and not feel obligated.

The OP's friends ARE maintaining their friendships with her, they've not abandoned her. Though if I thought a single friend wasn't considering my position, and wrongly assuming my choice was just about keeping her away from my husband, I'd be offended and I doubt I'd want to remain friends.

Why are you so desperate to spend time with someones husband?

I have plenty of married friends and I still love to hang out with them without any of our men involved, same way my husband spends time with his male friends without me tagging along.

And the best message of the day is ⬆️

This is just what I was thinking.

I could rent you my husband - very good at DIY, Then I could peacefully read a book

I thought that was quite funny. I have occasionally borrowed other people's husbands for the odd dump run, and I used to lend mine out frequently when I had one. Trying to find good builders or tradespeople is a nightmare sometimes, although I have found some now, but being part of a co-operative community is a nicer way to do things. I wouldn't ask the same person lots of times though, as that would then overstep into 'spending time together alone' which I'm not keen to do- but the odd favour or lift, why not?

I always think it’s nicer to invite someone and let them refuse if they don’t want to come rather than not invite and decide ‘they wouldn’t want to come anyway’ for them.

It's more like a self-imposed verbal chastity belt, designed to stop the woman having designs on him!

Which part was funny?

the renting out man?

the fact the woman can't do DIY, so needs a man to do that for her?

or the wife wants to read a book?

I have been divorced for many years and I was utterly patronised by many of my married female (ex) friends. They talked about my age and presumed that I was on the hunt for any available man. A couple of husbands contacted me on the quiet - which I ignored, whilst their wives were 'single shaming' me. I never have and would never do this to anyone.

Sense of humour failure?