I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

Firstly my sincere condolences. Losing a partner at any age is heartbreaking, but at a younger age even more so. Xx

Is it because of the third wheel effect, like there is a spare bloke with no-one to talk to?

I'm not saying it's okay or kind, but I'm sure it's nothing to do with possessiveness about the husband.

My husband used to shy away from meeting up with my single female friends because he had no meaningful contribution to the convo, and that meant I would clam up. We'd all end up in awkward silence.

That might be us though. Admittedly we are massive introverts.

What?

LOL! 😆 Best post on here!

@SloaneStreetVandal you're right on both counts, wouldn't be interested in that sleazy type at all but it's worrying how common it is. It's REALLY common! It's so weird too, plenty of anonymous single women out there they could flirt with but they choose to come on to their wives friends who could tell them. Think someone becoming newly divorced sets of a radar in these grim men.

And yes the wives are to be pitied but still a loss, some good friends have gone by the wayside and it's all due to men. I have never given any indication I'm a man stealer, I don't flirt, infact I go out of my way to not engage much

I've been single for over a decade. I only ever socialise with my friends without their husbands. It's good. We have fun, drinks, weekends away. But sometimes it would be nice to be included in the couples dinner parties. I'm not after your husband but it'd be nice to have male conversation.

For lots of reasons I haven't dated, so I have no social interaction with men at all, apart from at work. I'm not looking for a date, snog or shag I'd just like some mixed socialising. That's all. You can keep your husband.

This happened to me. Slightly different circumstances but in younger days had a friend who found herself a fella. I was then the odd one out and ruined the numbers at dinner parties so they stopped inviting me. Funny enough, a year or so later I’d moved in with my partner (now DH), ex-friends found out, rang me at work, couldn’t understand why I didn’t want him to meet my friends. Cheeky fuckers. Still bugs me 20 years later

I'm a .middle aged lesbian and I definitely don't want your husband. Except for spider season, then I long for a bit of heteronormativity.

I utterly agree! When my husband died the invitations dried up and a neighbour told me it was because I was the competition!
Friends I had known for more than 35 years told me they would be coming to see me. I’m still waiting 12 years later!
I want to shout from the rooftop that I don’t want anyone’s second hand husband, nor do I want their slimy partners trying to stick their hand up my skirt. I’M NOT INTERESTED!!!

I'm single, & certainly not interested in used goods. Besides, if they're happy to cheat on their wives, they're quite likely to be repeat offenders. I'm lucky enough to have friends (single/divorced/widowed & married!) who aren't competitive or emotionally insecure. In any case, although I'd like a partner, I'm choosy, so not accepting just anyone. I'm fed up, not hard up!

Same.

Any one who thinks single women are making this up - are sticking their heads in the sand.
Kids school stuff and parent groups are the worst - so many events, coffee mornings etc i was excluded from and one young widow - we both talked about it.
Move on 10 yrs - she and I are good friends, our eldest DCS are now 17/18 and the recently divorcing, soon to be divorced, marriages in trouble wives who now contact us is ridiculous. They comment on how hard it is, how lonely as they are no longer invited to stuff etc etc - they forget they were part of that group who did exactly that to widow and I.

When I finally ventured on to a few dating sites - I saw at least 4 husbands that I knew - sad and pathetic really.

I'm widowed and I don't want your husband or partner.
However it would be nice to meet an unattached guy in a similar position to me, preferably under 65 😎

Widowed in my 40’s with 2 kids.
I don’t want ur husband.
I don’t want u to set me up with ur single friends.
I don’t want u to ‘fix’ me

But please don’t compare what I’ve gone through to:
Divorce
Being a golf/football etc widow
Ur husband working away

And if u can’t understand why I’m not ‘over it yet’ be grateful.

I have this too, which is why I live in a big city where going to the cinema alone, eating out alone doesn’t get curious ‘sideways’ stares. I once had a friend who said to me ‘single friends are always looking at my husband’ she obviously forgot I was single! Finally there are Facebook groups for single women so please find and sign up!

Fwiw, DH and I and our friends never did dinner parties, we did bike rides and pub lunches, BBQs, nights out to see a band, but the same applies, both halves of the couples have disappeared, both jointly and separately.

People have got far too hung up on the dinner party.

It's not the loss of the dinner parties though, it's the fact that when you don't fit that group, you don't see the or hear from the people you'd thought were friends, often for decades, at all, just at a time when you really need your friends.

In time, most of us have built new lives and friendships, but at that point, realising I'd lost my friends as well as my DH was hard to bear.

I had the same thought! I was aghast at that thread- loads of people saying its perfectly fine to give a married man your number, its up to him and if he wants to meet up why not and they dont blame the woman for trying it on with him. I was like WTAF?!

Oh gosh, consider it a blessing not to go to tedious dinner parties and have to make conversations with everyone's nice but boring husbands.

I adore my friends completely but their husbands?- not so much. They arent awful or horrible people or anything like that, but I just dont know them that well and we are very different. FAR prefer meeting up with my friends on our own- after all they are my friends, their husbands are not. What can you really discuss at a dinner party anyway?- it's just superficial niceties- really surface level shit. Equally, I love my husband but I dont want him tagging along with me every damn time I meet up with my friends.

So their wives DID know, if they've sacrificed your friendship over it - which surely means these women are more to be pitied as viewed as any sort of loss???

The men (and women) who are chancers tend to be, almost in their entirety, the type you wouldn't take in a lucky dip 😂 There's certainly a beggars can't be choosers dynamic in many relationships... and yes I'd also find it incredibly insulting if such a man (never mind several) thought I'd be flattered to play second fiddle to their nasty wives!

You were 'Bob and Anne' before but now you're just 'Anne', you get dropped not only from the couples friendship group but from the women's friendship group.

A few years ago, the husband of one of my (middle-aged) friends left her for another woman. She was devastated by the breakdown of her marriage and hated being single.

Once things had calmed down and she was looking for another husband, she admitted that she would pursue a married man if she wanted him. She argued that there are not enough single men of her age and if being married meant taking someone else's husband, that's what she would do.

I think such honesty about her intentions is unusual, but I believe the belief behind them is fairly common.

She is now married to the ex-husband of one of our mutual friends.

I'm not saying OP can't be trusted around her friends' husbands, but I am saying that it's sometimes not unreasonable to be wary. There men who are not looking for another woman, but might take what's offered on a plate.

I think it's naive to think otherwise.

I agree with others that it's more about the husbands making a move. So many are SO brazen, when you could easily tell the wife what he's doing. They don't seem to care!
So the wife sacrifices the friendship. For a sleazy pig
Had it happen a lot as did my mum

I don't think people are complaining about not being invited to dinner parties so much as the way you lose your husband and you lose your entire social network. If you don't fit the box anymore, there's no attempt to find a way you can still be included or even keep in touch or check in once in a while.

yes, a lot of truth in that.

As I've said, they're not my bag either. Then again, I'm not the one complaining about not being invited to such occasions - I'd gladly never be invited to another dinner party in my life 😂