I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

You make your point very well. And what you say is true - I felt the emotion in your post.

Losing your spouse is on a different level to losing a parent, so I'm not comparing, only saying I can empathise with that post grief avoidance. Fortunately I've not experienced the former, only the latter. My Dad is a widower and when the smoke cleared after my my Mum died, I was the only one left standing. The rest of our family quietly exited stage left. They stick their head round the door, meanwhile I give my Dad the much needed practical (and sometimes emotional) support. My Mum was an awesome presence, and her absence is palpable - it's still a daily battle though to remind myself that it's just because they feel her absence acutely when they visit his house, and I try not to let the anger swell in my gut that they've effectively abandoned him. Very difficult.

"Grief is like a box of chocolates - you never know what you're gonna get".

@Unjustifiable if you meet up with a couple you formerly socialised with ......it inevitably turns to - wasn’t it great when they were here, we miss them and so on… again, ........ My parent purposefully avoids many friends from before as finds it too upsetting they are all still in couples and constantly want to talk about dead spouse I'm sorry to read this is your parent's experience

My aunt felt the opposite. No one mentioned my uncle and she felt he'd been erased from their memories. She would have preferred him to be mentioned

Grief is a very personal thing, I guess

In my experience friends who tolerate you speaking about how you truly feel as a widow are rare as rocking horse shit. The first rule of widow club is you don't talk about widow club. The second rule of widows club.. ..you get the picture.

The cardinal sin is to appear needy in any way. Feeling lonely and isolated? Well why aren't you making more effort to connect? The answer to which is that after several attempts at doing so have resulted in awkwardness, you end up withdrawing because it generates extra negative feelings on top of original negative feelings, and it's overwhelming.

The majority of posts here clearly explain that whatever the motivation for people behaving weirdly around the bereaved it happens astonishingly regularly. Of course it would be nice if you could have the actual explanation and one does fill in that void with possibilities based on how people are behaving around you.

Being widowed leaves one raw, vulnerable and exposed - almost skinless. Everything "normal" is physically and mentally and emotionally felt. At least that is how it's been for me, and I'm aware that everyone's experience is unique. The final insult is adding in the feeling that there's something wrong with you because of the way other people are behaving.

We're particularly shit at dealing with death I think. After a very short while for a bereaved person, there's an almost tangible sense of embarrassment that one comes up against. You just have to suck it up, throwing in the occasional acknowledgement of other people's awkwardness around you, to try and make them feel at ease. It's exhausting trying to be "mindful" of other people's feelings when your own are in perpetual turmoil.

It's even been medicalised now, grief I mean. "Problematic grief" I think they call it. Too right grief is problematic for everyone involved, but the directly bereaved have to deal with their own problem and everyone else's apparently. And if you struggle you are expected to seek professional help to overcome it, because getting back to normal is paramount in modern society.

But it's a lie. There is no normal any more. There's a new reality to adjust to that you don't want to be your normal.

In time yes you become more tolerant, less prone to feeling the rise of emotional incontinence when you pass the salmon in the fish aisle because DP had a knack of cooking it to perfection with a blue cheese sauce that was to die for (Ahem).

But you're changed and the world is changed and nothing makes sense - you just hope that you get your Oscar in the next life....

There is no fix or cure, there is adapting to survive.

I didn't say that. You've jumped to a negative conclusion; ironically my comments have been almost entirely about that type of thinking - assumption, and maybe nudging the OP towards a different (perhaps more beneficial?) outlook. And the reason we're using dinner parties as an example is because the OP cited those specifically.

The OP hasn't come back to the thread, so maybe she was just looking to vent, which is entirely understandable - she's suffered a horrific loss. It's still worth pointing out the emotional toll assumption takes though; people only assume when they don't have the information they need. I think the OP should speak to her friends, and be very frank with them (obviously leaving out that she suspects they are merely insecure/in unhappy marriages!) about how she feels.

It is hard. I'm still trying to find a group. I have friendships with different women, som in a relationship, some not, but they don't know each other. Sometimes it's nice to belong to a group. What can we do. It doesn't change. That much is clear.

That's true, but as I've said previously, my experience is that when you get dropped from the couples group you get dropped by the wives group too.

Perhaps it makes them uncomfortable to have you around but not include you in everything, perhaps they don't like to be reminded of their own vulnerabilities, or perhaps (as I'm beginning to suspect) some people, in not particularly happy long term relationships, feel some jealously about your newfound freedom and that must create some uncomfortable feelings, given how it came about.

Anyway, it's about much more than the dinner parties or being invited along to the couple stuff.

I do get that but as PP have said, usually, it's two women who become friends and then their partners are invited along to occasional large group events to mingle and chat with each other and the women still meet up one on one because its them who are primarily friends. I am not friends with my friend's husbands. For example, if my best female friend split up with her husband, I would not keep in contact with him or meet up with him on his own because my friendship is with her, not him- he has his own friends. He's a decent guy, but we are not "friends". We just both have my friend in common.

I actually think it would be a bit weird if they split and I tried to arrange a meet up with him. I wonder if people are assuming "friendships" when actually, it's more like acquaintances. Also, if someone literally ignores you for decades when your partner dies then I wouldnt consider that person a friend at all- because thats awful behaviour. The issue I am talking about here is a female friend wanting to meet up just the two of us (rather than in a group context)- I have no issue with that at all because I'd prefer it. I am so sorry for your loss x

The issue is the lens. It doesn't matter how vulnerable the widow or divorcee etc is, it is a human behaviour. Mate guarding

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mate_guarding_in_humans

I just grabbed the first hit. But it is a thing. Opportunitues are shut down.

And another thing I have observed is a bit of a sneer at 'women's chat' , see it as beneath them. The irony with that is in reality my bloke mates love the more candid chats they have with good female.friends but, it seems some topics are siloed by gender. So two women one man, chat likely to be about relationships and troubles, I'll leave you to it and go out on my bike kinda vibe rather that a supper for 3.

I divorced. Other than my oldest school friends, I can count only 2 couples that stayed in touch as normal. bearing in mind we were part of a huge, happy social group, prior. But I am genuinely friends with both those men, and their marriages are particularly solid.

Being widowed is even harder, especially if you have children And there is no one to share the responsibility.

Maybe they’re worried you’ll feel like they’re rubbing your nose in the fact they’re all couples

Deceased! You’ve won the internet today

You sure OP? What about if I sweeten the deal for you and offer my MIL too?

joking of course

On a serious note, I’m sorry for your loss! DM (not middle aged, 70 but a ‘young’ 70 ) found exactly the same, invites dried up and she felt very much shunned. I wonder if it’s more a reflection on how awkward and as a result cruel people can be following a bereavement. Death makes people feel uncomfortable so as a result a lot of bereaved people find themselves getting the cold shoulder

Opposite experience for me which is unusual. I belong to some fellowships and know many people. When my late husband passed unexpectedly a few people around me started making noises about me still being young enough and I will probably meet someone else.

Trying to get through to their skulls that I was not interested, now, in future or at anytime, with a few seemed to go over their heads. My 2nd husband was and is my soul mate , best friend, the dad he didn't have to be to our 4 and grandpa to 5,

No one can or will replace him. For me it would be cheating which makes me feel sick. I finally found a few answers to shut people up. My stock one is ''So you have lost your mom haven't you?'' (or whichever person it is - ''so tell me when are you going out to get a new mom?'' 😏

Works every time: they look on shocked and mortified and I walk off with a smirk saying ''I rest my case'' Along time since anyone has said it as it was 6 years ago I lost my husband, however the shut them up line is their ready and waiting.

Sharing cos you can get it in other ways, too. I totally agree with you mind. I would have a sharp retort ready for that too

its the same if your late 20/30's as people become couples/marry as the single one you become disregarded, why?

Seriously, do people still have dinner parties? I've actually never hosted a dinner party in my life, yet my husband and I had couple friends all our married life. How come other people only see their couple friends at dinner parties?

It's not burdensome so much as it's just not conducive to an occasion such as a dinner party.

And there we have it, folks. We widows spoil our friends' dinner parties.

Assuming the difference is that OP previously socialised as couples. If there's always been a dynamic that the wives hung out a bit separately from the husbands (eg if the wives were the original friend group, assuming a group of only straight couples), then not so strange to only meet the wives when DH isn't around, but it would be upsetting to not get an invite to meetups with the whole mixed group that you previously went to! In general I find socialising weirdly gendered in the UK

Two by two into the ark!

I was Widowed at 29 and the changes happened almost instantly! I wasn't invited to a good friend of ours wedding. Guess I'd have messed up the couples table plan 😬

This happened to my Mum when my Dad died. She was 53, he was 58. Suddenly she was only allowed to be seen in public with females.

Fast forward 15 years and the new widowers seem to think she's desperate!

My Mum said, 'I don't want to be with anyone- they'd expect me to wash their pants and to tell me how to spend my money!'

She's in her 80s now, has always been brilliant at living her life and is the youngest pensioner I know!

Same, it's exhausting!

I did not misunderstood.

Couples friendships start with two people being friends or clicking. And they bring partners.
Even if all four of you met at the same time, let's say school run, it would still be two people who initiated the dynamic.
So unless OP was friends with that wifes husband as initial friendhip, there is no reason for two of them to hang out later, they were always add ons.

Tbh I cannot imagine anything more bizarre than complaining to my friend why I am not invited to their dates. Because husband and wife going out is exactly that.

On another note, why blame wife?
It is most likely huband who cannot be bothered to listen to his wifes firend as she is boring, annoying or simply too fucking needy as seen from OPs post.

🤣😅😂

Why? If people can't cope with a groups of 7 instead of eight or can't cope with four men and three woman then they are being very silly.

That used to be a wedding ring.

Harder when widowed and people know you are.